Tax time is right around the corner my little ducklings, and you know what that means? That’s right, it’s time to spend your precious time and money trying to figure out all the confusing government forms or hiring a "professional" to do your taxes, who probably licks your silverware when you're not looking. Well you’re in luck because I'm a G4 certified tax accountant, and just because I'm such a great guy, I'm going to dedicate my update today on helping you file your taxes on time this year, with no expense to you, the Internet consumer. I'll even walk you through what forms you need, what you have to claim, and the various loopholes you can exploit to cheat the system. I'm even wearing a motley colored suit covered in large exclamation marks and large black glasses to prove I’m serious about cheating the government, but you can't see it since this is the Internet. You’ll have to take my word for it.
There is a broad misconception that doing your taxes has to be a difficult, painstaking process but that’s all bullhonky. The government wants you to get confused and bugaboo so they can weasel every last penny out of your hard earned paycheck. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Doing your income tax is a lot like the Canadian rodeo, but with less manure. You need to ride the system like a good old boy and not let it buck you off into a steaming pile of bankruptcy. At the same time you can’t kill the horse and sell it to a glue factory without a license, or you might be asking for trouble. This is what we call an IRS audit, and that is the last thing you want. Confused already? Well take a look at this!
The first thing we need to get you started is the 1042 form. You could get the 1042EZ form, but EZ forms are for fags and Communists. If you are unmarried, have no children or pets, and have been injured in a major cooking accident, you can claim a single dependence on a 1043, or if you are legally retarded and make over $100,000 a year you need a 1020. You ONLY need a 1132 form if you yielded a corn crop of over 2000lbs, or you have been a contestant on The Price is Right and won over $5,000 in cash and prizes. Once you have your correct form, we can start filling out the basic information.
The basic info is self-explanatory. You need your name, Social Security Number, address, sexual history, favorite color, and other miscellaneous information. After that you need to figure out how much you made by adding up your earnings that should’ve been sent to you by your employers, unless you worked under the table, of course. If this is the case then just add a simple note that says, “I was paid under the table for my services so my taxable income is negligible, thanks.” After adding together your income, you can figure out what you can claim as a deductible. The laws on this are very fuzzy and easy to manipulate with enough mischievous accounting, but we’ll go over that later. Then you need to claim your dependents. If you have children then you can claim them, and you can also claim yourself. I’m very dependant on the crack cocaine rocks, so I normally file a 1 for myself. This way you will also get more money back at the end of the year and go on a monster crack binge that will make tax time a happy time.
Think you’re finished? Nah dawg, the party’s just getting started up in this piece. There are various clauses, rules, and exceptions that you need to be aware of while doing your taxes. I’ve outlined some of the most important and generally unknown facts that usually come back to haunt you if you ignore them.
#456: If you own over 3 dogs or 10 cats you need to fill out a #1080-2, otherwise known as the “Lazy Susan”.
#208: Be aware that if you are black or Hispanic you will get 15% less money back on your return.
#904: English, History, and Philosophy majors don’t need to fill out a #1067 exclusion form because their degree is worthless and they are a drain on society.
#342: The IRM10 needs to be transferred to the VCM20 because the DSR406 is no longer valid, but only if your income mostly consists of twigs and leaves, you consume earthworms, and you are a mole.
#555: Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk.
#299: Illegitimate children don’t count as dependents, so drowning them in a shallow creek would be the most fiscally responsible thing for you to do.
#845: If you are legally disabled from a war wound, and own a small business making coconut monkeys, you need to fill out a P550 return form and them promptly devour it whole with chocolate sauce.
#50: If you happen to be Billy Ocean then you are exempt from all taxes because you are such a cool guy. Can you send me an autograph?
#432: If you are a single mother with over 10 children then report to the nearest government workshop to get your vagina sewn shut.
#753: This year the government reversed their decision to feel sorry about the genocide of the Native Americans and they now must pay taxes, as well as wear top hats and derbies.
I helped old Mortie with his taxes and now I own his soul in a clay jar that's sitting in my basement.If you still have any questions, or need clarification on these rules then call my 24-hour help hotline: 1-800-WET-BOYZ. Its $2.00 for the first 5 minutes, and $3.75 for each additional minute. You must be over 18 to call and have a major credit card number. I’ll be wet and waiting.
Now that the boring stuff is out of the way, let’s get on to the fun part: cheating the system so you can enjoy the wealth of unearned riches while impoverished families struggle and NASA is sold to Burger King. These loopholes are no big secret, but few take the time out of their busy schedule to look them up and reap the profits of the IRS’ snafues. Here are just a few that will help you cut a few corners this tax season:
Claim yourself dead and then reap the benefits of your own inheritance, tax free. Zombies don’t have to pay taxes.
Glue your forms together so the IRS will get frustrated and just cut you a check.
Expense all your groceries and say you are a professional competitive eater and it was for training.
Suckle your own cows so you don’t have to pay for that pricey supermarket milk.
Chia Pets can be claimed as dependants, as long as you make sure they are alive for the whole fiscal year.
Become an Internet webmaster
If you do all your forms in a purple crayon and draw the freemason icon in the lower left corner, you will get a 50% bonus on your return.
Adopt 43 Cuban children so you can write them off as dependants and then sell their organs on black market.
Just in case all of this flew over your heads because you’re such hopeless and inferior imbeciles, I’ve created a very special Hitler Dog comic to explain the inner workings of the tax system. I call it Hitler Dog: The Jewish World Bank Conspiracy. Enjoy.
That Hitler Dog is always getting himself into zany mixups! We’ve sure learned a lot about taxes today, and hopefully by now you have all your forms filled out and are ready to send to the government for a pending audit and incarceration in a minimum security prison. Remember to call my help line if you are having any tax problems, or you just want to chat or whatever. I’m not wearing any underpants.
This Halloween, the most terrifying house for policemen is opening its doors. If you're a cop, get ready to have nightmares!
Ariana Grande? No way! Here's a podcast that looks squarely at Ariana Grande and says, ‘No way!’
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.