This article is part of the That Insidious Beast series.
02 FEB 2009
The Detainee arrives 0220 at the interrogation booth. He is secured to the floor with bolts and his hood is removed. Vitals are taken by STAFF DOCTOR. Appears healthy and normal. SERGEANT K. and SERGEANT N. are the interrogators. STAFF DOCTOR remains present to oversee detainee well-being.
Vitals look good. Everything is in the green.
Prisoner, state your name for the record.
I am known as Tate.
Is this your given name or an alias?
It is the name given to me by my comrades.
What is your real name?
It is not available to you.
It is not information that can be conveyed to you. It could be poorly approximated by the feel of a soapstone polyhedron with 608 faces cupped in your hands.
Just move on the (inaudible). Or if you'd prefer-
No. (sound of throat clearing) How long have you been here?
I have been in this cell, secured to the floor by iron bolts, for seven minutes, twenty-three seconds. Prior to that-
(loud slapping sound) HERE. Here.
I am cooperating. There is no need for violence.
Cooperate then. When did you arrive?
I am not very good with measures of time at all, but it must be more than 30 years.
How many people have you killed?
I am directly responsible for the deaths of 7,208 human beings.
Now with the sun and the warmth and the generally pleasant atmosphere, you can no longer blame the weather for why you've spent the last sixteen hours sitting inside. You'll need to stay on your toes if you want to stay in your chair.
This tuna ain't working, bro, and this gross hot dog needs a one way trip to go live on your uncle's Flavor Farm.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.