This article is part of the That Insidious Beast series.
Do you feel remorse?
That word is appropriate. Some of those deaths were-
Jesus. Take a break REDACTED. Wait outside for a few minutes and get your damn head together.
I'm not done with you. (sound of door opening and then closing)
His vitals are still green.
Continue with what you were saying.
Some of the deaths were unavoidable. The majority were a consequence of the protracted conflict between your nation and those nations you believe to be harboring (unintelligible very loud sound accompanied by distortion on the recording).
Don't repeat that word.
I am sorry. I had forgotten it causes discomfort.
Without repeating that word, tell me what you are.
That is a very broad question.
You're not human.
You look human.
So do you.
I am human.
In that sense I am as well. Your doctor has no doubt confirmed as much.
But this isn't the real you.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
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