And Speaking of Beef...
Hey, pal, heard about the 21 million pounds of tainted beef that the fatcat FDA doesn't want YOU to eat? You're a savvy bargainhound, so we're sure you're wondering where beef goes when the government recalls it. No company in its right mind would come right out and admit to selling recalled beef, but our BARGAIN-HUNGRY customers are encouraged to note the subtle winking tone of this paragraph and, if they desire, to put two and two together! We're waiting by the phones, in case you want to talk about whatever!
More Worthless Web Stocks!
Quick! Grab these hot Web 2.0 stocks before the bubble bursts! These high-tech net companies are fatted on venture bucks and ready to explode into sweet oblivion. Minimize your financial injury by jumping into these empty Web 2.0 elevator shafts on the ground floor!
Memetag.com - Just a never-ending registration process that imports your address books and buddy lists and invites everyone you know into the registration process. Venture capitalists just can't stop throwing money at this thing! They love it! Nab shares quick, before one of the board members buys a computer and goes "...hey!" Just $2 a share!
EuTopia.com - Social networking paradise with over 20 million registered accounts and almost six hundred active members. Grab shares quick, before anyone realizes it's a front for a radical eugenicist white power group! Whoops, too late! Shares are two bits a dozen!
YouCast.com - Company literature touts "viral crowdsourcing for the Gen-Y blogger." We got a little lost in their tag cloud, but as far as we can tell it's yet another internet dog grooming service. Going fast at aught point naught naught nine cents a share!
You'll never hear of any of these sites again, so don't delay!
Irregular Train Lunch Boxes! So, so many!
God damn! We can't walk ten steps in this place without tripping over a palette of irregular Train lunch boxes! We know we're supposed to be selling you this shit, but will you just commiserate for a second? Forget you're supposed to be buying these idiot things and just think about how some company out there produced forty thousand lunch box/thermos sets based on the Grammy-winning soft rock act Train, but with the fucking name spelt wrong. Now think about how we have to look at these goddamn things all day. I hate them more than anything else in the world.
But wait! The Internet Discount Barn is now offering these gorgeous commemorative irregular Train lunch boxes for just twenty cents each! Durable boxes hold all your love, pride, and deep-fried chicken- even when you know you're wrong! Included thermos keeps your Drops of Jupiter warm for hours (or the best soy latte you ever had!). Buy them, oh god, please buy them!
Gotta Punch a Cat Fast? You Now May!
Wonder how movies get those shots of horses falling off cliffs and turkeys being ripped apart by small arms fire? Easy: just the same way companies get away with polluting your water! You see, the ASPCA grants each Hollywood production a small number of 'cruelty credits,' which producers can elect to use for minor acts of cruelty (like Powers Boothe crushing a scorpion in his bare hand in Extreme Prejudice) or pool for the filming of much crueler projects (like the ox at the end of Apocalypse Now). Now, for the first time ever, you can buy Hollywood cruelty credits for your own personal home use! We're selling these hot chiquitas for just two dollars apiece, and each credit lets you be cruel to up to one pound of animal! Just twenty bucks worth lets you punt your wife's worthless little dog& with a couple thousand, you could comfortably mutilate a horse!
Please note: an ASPCA auditor must be present to verify all acts of cruelty, so those of you into the kinky stuff will have to do without privacy.
Stay tuned for future newsletters for more DEAD-SERIOUS DEALS! Remember: don't tell ol' Uncle Sam you've heard of us. He just wouldn't understand!
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.