To celebrate the booziest of occasions, St. Patrick's Day, SA's Worm Miller sat down with a man who takes the holiday very seriously. Roger Schramm holds the public office of Town Drunk in the city of Costa Vista, California.
Something Awful: So how long have you been the official Town Drunk of Costa Vista?
Roger Schramm: This is my third term. So nearly twelve years now.
SA: This is an elected position?
RS: Yes, indeedy. Our good citizens have seen fit to put me here thrice! The last race was a rough one too.
SA: I want to return to that in a moment. First though, and this may seem like a weird question to you, but why does Costa Vista need a Town Drunk?
RS: Not sure what you mean.
SA: Well, what are your job duties?
RS: Oh, all kinds of stuff. From all over the public-official spectrum, you know? On one end, you got your kinda honorary-type duties - cutting ribbons at new liquor stores and bars and clubs. Then at the other, there is just the simple day-to-day stuff of stumbling around shitfaced in the park, falling asleep on the sidewalk, picking fights, showing my penis to under-aged girls at the mall, puking in strollers. Though I personally try to minimize the stroller pukes! Never really been a fan of it.
SA: And this is something Costa Vista feels they need an official representative for? Are you salaried?
RS: I would love to be able to say that I'd do this for free - and don't get me wrong, I love being blotto - but Town Drunk is a full-time position with a lot of responsibilities. And I have a family I need to support.
SA: You have kids?
RS: One son. He's four.
SA: Interesting. I guess let's step back a moment. Tell me about how you first became Town Drunk. Was this always a dream of yours?
RS: No, certainly wasn't my plan. When I was a kid I always thought I'd grow up to be a doctor like my old man and my older brother Dave. I was born in Los Angeles, but my family moved to Costa Vista when I was five so my father could start up a practice here. Then, in college, I was doing pre-med at UCLA and interning at the family practice during my breaks. This was all during the Carl Lemek era. He'd been Town Drunk since I was little and had become a real embarrassment. Half the time you'd see him he was clearly sober. One night I was ranting about Lemek at the bar, saying how I was probably drunker than him, and my buddy Turds flat out said, "Hey, maybe you should run for office!" I was just joking around, but then things sorta snowballed from there. Before I knew it, I had a campaign going and backers!
RS: Mostly the Costa Vista Young Drunks organization. Miller Lite sponsored me too.
SA: You mentioned the most recent election was rough. How so?
RS: Oh, I was up against Bradley Hawkes, this asshole hot shot who had just moved to town - many of us suspected specifically so he could run for Town Drunk. Unfortunately the laws are pretty loose on the subject. You only need to have been a Costa Vista citizen for one year. I thought it was clear he only wanted the position as a stepping-stone to becoming State Drunk, but he had a lot of money behind him so he had the resources to develop a bit of a following.
SA: Wait, there's a State Drunk of California? I've never heard that.
RS: Yeah. Me? I have no higher aspirations. Costa Vista is my home. I hope the voters would have realized that in the end, though it didn't matter - Hawkes had to pull out of the race when he got busted with fake bags of puke hidden in his clothes during the keg-stand portion of our debate. Plus most of his campaign promises were pretty absurd. Munich would never move Oktoberfest here! That doesn't even make sense!
SA: Speaking of binge-drinking events, St. Patrick's Day is approaching. Planning anything special?
RS: You kidding? Of course! That's the toughest day of the year for me. Way more pressure than New Year's Eve. I gotta get blackout drunk the moment the sun comes up and stay that way all day, yet still remain with-it enough to ruin our annual St. Patty's parade by drunk-driving my car into one of the floats, then I gotta hop out and flash my dick until the cops drag me away.
SA: You're supposed to do this?
RS: Sixty-year tradition. I remember watching Carl Lemek ruin the parade every year, back when he was great at his job. He'd sometimes start peeing while the cops pulled him away.
They told us to stop playing videogames on a school night. If only we'd ignored them.
As a vicious predator, I find that I have a constant, overwhelming urge to lick apples out of a huge block of ice. It's only, natural, right?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.