Fifty years from now...
An artist's rendering of the future. A very bad, completely inaccurate artist.
"Come child, sit on grandpa's knee," beckoned the elderly man as he attempted to bend over, causing nineteen of his major bones to fracture under the grinding stress. "Let grandpa tell you a story about the good old times, a tale about this magical tool once known as 'The Internet'." Although the small child knew the old, decaying fatherly figure certainly wasn't his grandfather, he propped himself upon his withering knee because refusing to sit on an old man's knee is a Federal crime in the future. The aged, gaunt man pried his dry, sticky mouth open and began talking once more, exhaling the sweet fumes of what smelled like dead trees and bacon that had been cooking on an asphalt road for six days.
"See back in the early 1990's, people began widely using this tool called 'the Internet.' It was developed by a group of bright young college folk and programming lads who wanted a more effective way to share ideas, group together on projects, and communicate with people in a way that had never been done before." Before he could begin his next sentence, he was promptly interrupted by the saucy lad sitting upon his knee.
"But grandpa, what about Bulletin Board Systems? People used those before the Internet!" he exclaimed while staring into the dried out, bloodshot eyes of a man who was visibly scarred from years of prolonged exposure to gay furry pornography.
"Shush, you!" Grandpa snapped back. "You're interrupting grandpa's great story about..." The elderly man trailed off into silence, furrowing his brow in a way to say, "look, I am furrowing my brow in a way to say I lost my train of thought."
"The Internet, grandpa! You were talking about the Internet!" piped up the saucy lad in a cheerful tone.
"I SAID SHUT UP!" shrieked the elderly man, brandishing his Nuclear MegaWave Negative Ion Cannon and immediately incinerated the child on his knee, transforming him into a pile of negative ions which instantly did whatever negative ions tend to do. Float away, I guess. The wizened old guy continued speaking as if nothing happened.
"The Internet was a nice and peaceful place at first. There was plenty of free hosting, new technology, and an untapped world of interesting places at your fingertips. Then it suddenly got popular and Internet veterans began to fear this surge in users would lead to the destruction of the Internet. Oh how wrong they were," quipped the wizened, elderly, old, aged, old, old man to the pile of particles resting on his knee. "Company after company soon jumped into this digital world and began throwing money around as if it was a bunch of ticks and they had the job of throwing large amounts of ticks at people for some reason. Internet users were given cash to to merely spend time online, webmasters were being paid barrels of money to display tiny ads, and everybody was happy... until The Day The Internet Fought Back.The malls of the future are all giant plastic Frisbees, leaving us wide open from attacks by gigantic mutant dogs! Oh no!
"The Internet decided it was tired of supporting all these ridiculous companies and funding ludicrous IPOs, so it began to casually inform every major investment company CEO as to exactly where their cash was going into: a large flaming barrel that fueled ideas such as 'eOnlineCyberPantaloons.com' and 'HI WELCOEM TO MY BATMAN FANCLCUB PAGE WEBPAEG!!!!!' The investors didn't like what they saw and promptly withdrew their remaining twelve cents from Internet companies. With their only flow of lifeblood and sole source of revenue sliced off, these companies began to close doors faster than a Ponderosa Sunday Bar after seeing Rosie O' Donnell approaching. The remaining bloodied, battered, beaten up companies began ravaging the wasteland for every last nickel and dime they could find. This quest for nonexistent money caused the Internet to immediate transform into a perverse, sickly, disgusting image that went against everything its founding fathers intended. Advertising bullies muscled their way through privacy policies, becoming more intrusive and aggravating than ever. The growing number of Internet users and veterans alike now found themselves bombarded with get-rich-quick schemes, popup ads, popunder ads, spyware, scumware, spam email, and all kinds of horrors straight out of a Moofin Kabloomer novel." In the future, a person named "Moofin Kabloomer" is a best-selling horror novel author, which explains that last sentence. It's the future.
"But grandpa, how did that terrible Internet turn into the world of wonders it is today?" is what the small child would've asked if he was still alive at that point.
"I'll tell you how, my atomized little friend. Some brave individuals set out to revolutionize the online world by creating 'Internet v1287.66213,' a project that restored order and cleaned up the cesspool of the Internet within months. Oh my, I remember that as if it was yesterday even though it was 50 years ago..."
Picture begins to distort and flicker about as if it were on drugs or just got into a car accident with another image on its way to work.
Greetings folks, and welcome to another star-studded Something Awful update! Today we'll be talking with American Idol star Justin Guarini and asking him such questions as "why the fuck are you so popular right now?" and "when the fuck will you stop being popular?" Special corespondent Kevin "Cakewalk" Bowen will tour a meat packing plant in Fattingham, New Jersey and interview the "Meat King of New Jersey," Al Saccardo. Our alert weatherman Zack "Ghost Evictor" Parsons will give us a five-day weather forecast for all of America while repeatedly incorrectly identifying New Mexico as "New Texaco." My perky co-host Emily "Inter-girl" Reigel will sit around and smile vapidly at the camera while wearing an outfit that kind of shows her nipples if you look really hard and squint a lot. But first, let's take a look at the revolutionary new "Internet v1287.66213" bill being sponsored through Congress.
A current image of the Internet's interior.
As everybody out there knows, the Internet is becoming exponentially more annoying by the minute. Advertisers are flooding our inboxes, spying on our computers, and installing software without our knowledge. Popups and popunders follow you from site to site, flashing, beeping, and moving around your screen like drunk cockroaches. We here at Something Awful have responded to this increasingly annoying threat by creating an outline for the proposed "Internet v1287.66213" system. First off, let's cover the basics:
"Internet v1287.66213" has been given the version number of "1287.66213" so our number will be higher than everybody else's if they try to create a new Internet. Note that our bill also has an amendment limiting the number of software versions to 1287.66213. This will ensure that "Internet v1287.66213" will always be the latest and greatest version out there. If somebody tries to create a version of the Internet higher than ours, we will have the legal ability to travel back in time disguised as cyborgs disguised as human beings disguised as Arnold Schwarzenegger and then proceed to murder their parents.
Unlike the current Internet, a largely unregulated and chaotic mess of advertising and spyware, "Internet v1287.66213" will require each user to install our patented "Internet v1287.66213" software on every computer that might use it. This software is free of ads, spyware, and any other privacy-breeching programs. It will, however, include a small, unobtrusive program that allows us to murder you through your Internet v1287.66213 connection if you really start pissing us off. We promise to not use that function too much though, so you don't have to worry unless you've got a username which has numbers instead of vowels, you enjoy typing "^_^" faces, or post on Fark.com's forums. Now let's outline the 10 key features that our Internet v1287.66213 provides:
1) Any company attempting to place spyware on users' computers will have our very own Internet v1287.66213 spyware secretly installed on their company's servers. This will allow the general public to always know and see what websites these companies are browsing, what kind of lingerie they purchase from Sears online, and their upcoming plans to install more spyware. You will now be able to spy on the spyware companies and protect your computer before it's too late! Additionally, each time these companies attempt to release a new spyware program, our Internet v1287.66213 software will cause a USB plug to disconnect itself and deliver 1,000 volts of electricity to their throat.
2) Our software contains "Retarded Forum User" plugin version 1287.66212 (it's a beta). Webmasters will be able to activate this plugin on their forums, allowing it's SmartIdiotSearch feature to scan users' posts and shut down their system if any signs of idiocy are found. Here is an example of the SmartIdiotSearch in action:
ORIGINAL POST: "Hey guys, I'm looking to purchase a new computer, what brand should I buy?" (USER IS SAFE)
REPLY #1: "The new Dell Dimensions are very good, try checking one of those out if you have the money." (USER IS SAFE)
REPLY #2: "LOL U GOTA GET A CELERON 350A N OVERCLAOCK IT 2 1.3 GHZ LIEK ME, I USED A LINUX BOX AND A MUSHKIN RAM!!!" (USER HAS COMPUTER SHUT DOWN FOR THREE CONSECUTIVE DAYS)
REPLY #3: "why do u need a computar, u fagget/" (USER HAS COMPUTER SHUT DOWN FOR A WEEK)
REPLY #4: "LOL ^_^" (USER IS INCINERATED WITH USB FLAMETHROWER)
3) Any advertiser who produces a banner ad that moves will have their computer monitor physically moved around their desk by burly, antisocial union workers whenever the obnoxious ad appears on any user's computer. If they are using a laptop, then the union workers will begin opening and closing the LCD screen repeatedly until the user decides to destroy it with shotgun fire.
4) Any advertiser who embeds music or sounds with their ad will be forced to listen to that music or sound on a never-ending loop on every sound-producing appliance they own until they stop running the ad or die from excessive ear canal blood loss.We've hired this guy to enforce all our new Internet v1287.66213 rules and laws. We think he's British.
5) Any advertiser who produces popup ads will be physically slapped in the face each time the ad appears on a user's computer. Any advertiser who produces a popunder ad will be physically kicked in the groin. If they make a popup ad which spawns another popup ad once you close it, then they will be slapped by a woman who will then give birth to a baby which will slap them.
6) Macromedia will be fined $100,000 every time an advertiser uses Flash in one of their ad campaigns. If a website uses Flash to create a splash screen which offers no "click here to skip introduction" option, then one Macromedia employee will be murdered for each time that site is loaded.
7) If you receive a mass-mailing spam email from somebody, our software will include their home address with the message and give you the legal right to personally visit them so you may "learn more about exciting opportunities" or ask them any questions you may have regarding "hot mother / son incest action!!!"
8) All instances of phrases such as "click here if you want to receive special promotional offers and deals exclusive only to our members" will be replaced with "FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DON'T CLICK THIS GODDAMN BOX!"
9) Whenever a user's computer detects them trying to read either the websites "User Friendly" or "Slashdot," it will send out an alert to a special government task force named "The Department Of Being the Vague, Evil, Spying Officials Who You Linux-Obsessed Users Think We Are." These people will be dressed in black cloaks and ride undead horses that have police sirens surgically attached to their skulls. They will break through the user's front door and try to determine if the user's children are being held hostage or they are being blackmailed, as those are the only two reasons we imagine anybody anywhere would ever visit those sites. If it turns out the user was visiting those sites on their own free will, they will be rounded up and placed into concentration camps run by Microsoft employees.
10) Anybody caught seriously arguing about the superiority of the Xbox / Gamecube / PS2 will be automatically wrapped up in USB cord, attached to their rolling chair, and deposited in the middle of the Egyptian desert while wearing a giant gulag mask.
We think that our lofty goals of Internet v1287.66213 will make your online experience a much more pleasant one, freeing you from the flaws and annoyances the current Internet features. We'll be back right after this commercial break for "Bonzi Buddy: The Movie" by MGM Studios.
Picture begins to distort and fade as we once again see the familiar image of the old man appear...
"...and that's when everything began to get better again. The online world was finally free of the tyranny and injustice that had polluted it for so long. We began to enter a new age of enlightenment at that time, one that had a lot less vocal Counter-Strike fans. Ah yes, I remember that time well..."
At that point a Mall Security Policeman approached the elderly gentleman and looked suspiciously at the lump of atoms scattered across his knee.
"Hey oldtimer, you know anything about that kid who was wandering around here before? His parents are looking for him." The Mall Cop began to furrow his brow in the same manner as the old guy furrowed his brow before, only this time he was furrowing it out of suspicion (as noted above).
"Why yes. Yes I do. I raped and killed him," replied the old man, as killing and raping kids is perfectly legal in the crazy and unpredictable future society which is so unlike ours that it makes us nervously laugh when we think about how different and bizarre our culture has become, thereby creating a stunningly observant social message full of insight. "I raped and killed him."
"Very well, carry on," replied the disinterested law enforcement officer as he slowly plodded away to type the child's name into the "KIDS RAPED AND KILLED IN THE MALL TODAY" scoreboard which was either a hologram or possibly floated above ground. The old man slowly looked up as a tear attempted to futilely form in the dry abscesses of his eye, his boney legs caving inward and shoulders slumping down. Then a rocketship fell through the ceiling and crushed him because in the future anybody can pilot a rocketship. It's the future, after all.
Now We're Cookin' With "Marble"!
What do you get when you cross a Nintendo grade puzzle game similar to Bomberman with bestiality and shoving things up your ass? The answer lies locked within the many horrifying secrets of "Marble Cooking", this week's Hentai Game Review.
Folks, you're going to have to bear with me on this one, because I have to hypothesize at the plot of Marble Cooking based on the cutscenes, the gameplay, and text that consisted of either a single repeating letter or a single repeating directional arrow. From what I can gather you take on the role of a character named Marble, your average blue haired lesbian princess/sorceress combo with the ability to summon a rabbit using occult trappings and carrots. Marble has to travel to six different areas on her quest to rid the world of misbehaving flying books, brooms, chickens, and ostriches. Once she has sufficiently eliminated the flying book and/or chicken problem she is then free to engage in bizarre sadomasochistic sex with three different women.
That sounds hot enough to fry an egg! Don't think that's it either, "Marble Cooking" also features a sex scene involving parakeets and a sex scene that I'd like to refer to as "The M.C. Escher Sex Scene". Head on over and take a look, it helps if you're drunk or nearly blind!
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.