Build Yourself Up!
Thank you for choosing to purchase your very own CompliCADASystem Studio System (c) Irrationally Difficult Speaker Stand Studio Audio Furnishing (tm)! Our factories produce only a few of these models each day, personally handpicked by the Dalai Lama himself, then blessed by cooling off the unit in the Pope's used holy bathwater. We are sure that our Irrationally Difficult Speaker Stand Studio Audio Furnishing (TM) will meet your needs and present to you the unsurpassed sheer joy and bliss one can receive from a couple metal bars (without inserting them into your anus). We take pride in our Irrationally Difficult Speaker Stand Studio Audio Furnishings (TM), and we stand by our products 100%. Of course, we are standing by them in some bizarre Middle Eastern country that you've never heard of, much less could be able to find on any map, so we'll stand by pretty much any product 100%. Look, we're standing by a lump of rocks and hay 100% and there's nothing you can do about it. Ha ha! Stupid American.
SECTION I: THE PARTS
The following parts have shipped with your Irrationally Difficult Speaker Stand Studio Audio Furnishing (TM). Please inspect every piece against the checklist, so we may take 14-200 months to ship any missing parts back to you, only for you to discover that we sent the wrong part. Studies have shown that, on average, three of these parts are lost at every UPS stop, so we recommend determining the route taken to delivery and backtracking the entire way, looking for "bonus" parts that may have fallen out.
IF YOU ARE USING THE HTT10 or HTT30 MODELS:
- Spiked roll base (2)
- Round-headed thread based prong (9)
- Cable Flange (1)
- Round Square Inner Prism Lock of Innermost Desire (4)
- Screws of varying sizes (roughly 500,000,000)
- Piece of metal that changes shape and function each time you look away from it (1)
- Flatheaded bolt (1)
- 2 Speaker stand column (L and R) (2 per L and R so 1 for 4) so it total (8) by (2 and 1)
- Rolled spike base (5)
- Plastic tubing with plastic slip grip to prevent plastic non-slip tubing from slipping in the plastic slip grip tubing (10)
IF YOU ARE USING THE HTT15 OR HTT20 MODELS, YOU WILL ALSO HAVE THESE ITEMS:
- Gold-plated swivel beacon (3)
- Black broiler plate (1)
- Screws of varying sizes (10,000,000,000)
- Random chunks of cardboard and foam (500)
- Pieces that look important but are never used (31)
- "Fake" screws to trick you (93054)
- CD offering free AOL service (1 too many)
- One piece of paper that says "INSPECTED BY NUMBER 19"
Once you have verified that you have each part, you may begin assembling your Irrationally Difficult Speaker Stand Studio Audio Furnishing (TM)! Follow each instruction in the order it appears unless you bought the HTT10 model, in which you need to skip step 3 and replace the last 6 lines of step 7 with the last 3 lines from step 1 (repeat). If you have a HTT30 model, you should do the instructions in reverse order. If you own either the HTT15 or HTT20 models, follow the directions in the order determined by the phase of the moon.
SECTION II: THE INSTRUCTIONS
1) If you intend on using your Irrationally Difficult Speaker Stand Studio Audio Furnishing (TM) as a speaker stand, please skip the steps explaining how to convert the speaker stand into a dual-ion powered ferrite magnetizing generator. The chances of you building either of these items is equally probable. Take all pieces for the Irrationally Difficult Speaker Stand Studio Audio Furnishing (TM) and lay them in a circle, clockwise by alphabetical order. For the remainder of this manual, parts will be referred to as their clock position (ie, 9:14:23 refers to the flatheaded bolt, 4:42:38 is the cable flange, and so on). For the sake of simplicity, all times will be referred to by their corresponding Irrationally Difficult Speaker Stand Studio Audio Furnishing (TM) part. You must take five drinks every time the speaker stand column is mentioned, and 10 drinks every time we reference the swivel beacons.
2) Construct a base stand by placing the gold-plated swivel beacon on top of the thread based prong, which should either be facing up / down, or left / right depending on the adjusted of the angle of decline on your gold-plated swivel beacon and your preferred acoustical tastes. Under NO circumstances should the thread based prong be put under a considerable amount of stress or strain, as the tensile strength of the material has been engineered to only withstand light winds and harsh facial expressions. Once you have correctly placed the gold-plated swivel beacon, you will need to use the 11:19:02 to insert into the 5:33:39 along the 9:46:29. If you are low on 9:46:29s, you may use a 10:11:03, but do NOT use the 10:11:05, as that will cause your unit to spontaneously combust when you least expect it. Keep all small children and dumb adults away from 5:18:02, as it gets aggravated easily and will attack without provocation.
3) Your steel base shaft outer pillar should now be completely constructed. You will need a tool to secure the bolt flip locks from disengaging during the assessment process. We will not tell you which tool you will need, since you won't own it anyway. We'll give you a hint though: HEADWEAR and FIRE. That is all. Use this tool to rotate the counterclockwise rotation in a clockwise fashion, which should push the flipped toggle into place. You may now take your speaker cord out and wrap it around your legs, causing you to trip and fall when you bend over to grab a screw that was trying to escape under the couch.
4) The head top plate bolt should now be firmly fastened to the diametric ramshackle. Use one hand to grip the rolled spike base, use another hand to apply pressure to the inner prism, and use your last hand to rotate the cable flange (JUMBO SIZED) into the Tube of Wasted Regrets. A 3.4444292182832 inch screw should be inserted every 3.444429218233 spaces until it looks like a series of dots that Pac Man is about to eat. To prevent Pac Man from eating your Irrationally Difficult Speaker Stand Studio Audio Furnishing (TM), attach the Sat L. Bracket Stand to the iron whimsy lock until you hear a "snap" sound which isn't from your back breaking.
5) You are now almost done! Take the remaining round flat square bulging screws and place them into the L Vat Hinge (not the LL Vat Hinge), which should swing at a 58 degree angle with the Earth's horizon. Use a hammer to gently apply pressure to the glass case above the support nail. Do NOT apply so much pressure that the glass case breaks, but DO apply enough pressure to make the glass case pound the nail into the 5 inch thick steel. Once you have done that, release the toggles and flip the rolled spike base to support the incoming speaker. Rotate the 60 inch bolt into the back and use your welding skills to soldier the remaining parts to your fouton, thereby creating a lovely display of modern art.
6) Oops, we forgot. This should go between steps 1 and 2: strap the "circular disk that keeps the entire Irrationally Difficult Speaker Stand Studio Audio Furnishing (TM) from collapsing" beneath the base bolt and plastic end cap. You may have to take apart the entire thing to do this, but it is VERY important that you do so.
7) Oops, we also forgot to include the "circular disk that keeps the entire Irrationally Difficult Speaker Stand Studio Audio Furnishing (TM) from collapsing." Sorry. Please call our support number, which has 400 digits and is listed underneath a supervisor's name that consists of all consonants.
SECTION III: AFTERWORD
Every effort has been made to ensure that our technical writers were not inconvenienced writing this manual on the way back from their 6th grade class. If you have any questions of feel that there is a problem of any kind, you shouldn't feel special at all. Join the crowd. We honestly hope you enjoy the collection of metal and screws that is currently laying in a heap on your livingroom floor, and hope that you will continue to buy further metal heaps from us in the future. Thank you.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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