Salutation to you, gentle reader types! Yours Truly has been going on the outs and abouts in the recent day and has been busy in uncontrollable ways. That is not to make of the excuses, just to give explain of why it has been so long since you are being able to read the letters in the computer book. I have an excitement adventure of the days by gone to give the relation of to you, but first I am having the necessary to write in this computer book an e-mail received from readers. This is very common electric letter and so I am thinking that it is time to place it in a package and send it to the column with labels of addressed. I am having to paraphrase of the letter because of computer catastrophes unforetold so keep the bears with me. Here it goes:

Dear El Pinto Grande,

I am reading in your computer book and it is an atrocious disaster all over the places! Your spelling is a terror and your words are in the orders mixed. It is just like the Yodas from high above or also it is like a crazy man who does not know about a sentence! I think that you are either very stupid or you are given to being a racist because you are actually just the white and not of Mexico. I think it is you are white and so that is making a proud Mexicans like me very angry. I am speak English and write England also so why is it hard for you? Answers are it is not hard you are hardly…hardly MEXICAN. You are racists!

Sincerity,

Juan "Mexico" Sanchez
Citizens of Mexico, Angry

Juan, I am given to being sorriest about this state! This is terrible mixed ups! I have to be telling you though friends, that this sort of letter is making me think sender of letters is the racist. Racist against race of handicaps! This writing of styles is dire cause indeed, known as Bended DNA it is told about in Computer Books encyclopedia. Read it if you are having trouble believing me!

It is making me so crazy when people are saying "El Pinto Grande, you are obviously the most amazing of wrestling types in all the world, but when I am trying to read your stories it is giving me maximum conniption!" It is true, Yours Truly knows, that these curves of his body are easy on the eyes but this is not being the case with his words at the times. I am making to offer the apology and hope that this is okay, just say "hey it is okay, wisdom is wisdom at all times not just when those times are the ones in the right order." I think you will like my stories because it is an excitement adventure about my childhood adventure to a land of adventure called Japans.

This is taken in the place of 1971 when Yours Truly was only six of the years old. I was still having the tot cape which is training cape for Squares Circle when the bones are still too soft and gooey from babies to be good in the rings. Cape is blue, since I am boy, and mask is made out of very soft fabric to prevent the chafing. Father type who is also wrestling type named Los Loco Pinto is having the Bended DNA from matches with humanidroid Wrestlering X, also that is terrible creation of Doctors Mexican Japanese Paul Truck who is the diabolical of foes.

Because of extreme rudos situation that is given to father type's birth defects passed to Yours Truly the Doctors and humanidroids are given to being kicked out of wrestling in Mexico. They are gone to Japan on the flyaway bird, but then we are receiving letter in special foreign mail envelope that is saying "Dear Pinto Family, please to be coming on down to Japanese for an adventure and apologies" and it was signed by Doctors Mexican Japanese Paul Truck! Father type is saying "pack your bags little luchador and tomorrow we begin a new adventure" and it is sure to be the greatest of sorts.

Los Loco Pinto is finished rowing.Winnings are big in squares circled for Los Loco Pinto but father type is very frugal so he is given to savings and pinching the pesos on voyage to Japan. He tells family and mother type that we are going to be rowing to Japan land far away on a boat. Mother type is saying this idea is a fright and there is the biggest of blowouts to be had and she is deciding not to go along with Yours Truly and Los Loco Pinto. That is okay because with the bended DNA father type and El Pinto Grande are possessed of the strengths to be rowing all the way without mother type. It is labor that breaks the toughest of backs, but were are heaving and hoeing all the way there.

We see many amazing things on journey. There are sharks swimming around and ducks with woman's faces and also a volcano that comes up out of the water and a biggest galleon with ghost pirates. This is a misery adventure with the ghost pirates, but we foil their schemes and then we are on our way again with their ghost ship sunk down to the David Jones Locker Room. Have a hot towel, ghost pirates, because you are on top of the skids at this point!

Boat full of father type and son type - Yours Truly - arrives in Japan in port of Okinawa and we are made to be very surprised by the USA Navy. They bring a big ship up to us and say "hands up, banditos!" and then they send mariners over to search our boat for guns or drugs. They are not finding either of these parcels, of course, because winners do not take guns or drugs. Our passports are all in the orders and they say "well we think it is silly to row a boat from Mexico to Japan, but it is being your prerogative, fellows." We give them our thanks and hope their ship blows up the enemy and they think that is funny.

J.R. Hokohama is gives the visit and welcomes.First journey in Japan is to go to the meeting with the mayor of Japan. His name is being J.R. Hokohama and he is the top of the pops. He is a very fine individual and we are given the keys to the cities of Japan. These keys are very special for famed luchador with great warrior spirit and it is not going to just any Joe Everyday who is walk in off streets. J.R. Hokohama is telling us that there are many things to be doing in Japan. It is Cherry Blossomed Festival in town and there are trees but no cherries so it is a big fat bust. Japanese people are very interest in the goings on of the wrestler lives and we are all the time covered with the fans taking pictures.

J.R. Hokohama is saying "oh, so sorry friend that you are not enjoying the cherries, but if you are wanting to see the new industries of Japan then you can come to the Mitoshi Mini Electrical Computronics Plant and see the Japan workers. It is really give lift to morale to see great wrestler and you can have a talk." Father type is very eager to make the mending with Doctor Mexican Japanese Paul Truck, but then J.R. Hokohama is saying "we will offer top dollars and you can also have your chance to prove yourself versus grizzly bear." This is a great honor in Japan because grizzly bear is the most prized of all animals in the orient. That is like offer to fight a dragon in Germany or a Santa Claus in the North Pole. Also father type is famed motivating speakers in Mexico and that is the sort of business cheer that he can also bring to Mitoshi factory.

Los Loco Pinto and Hazohami Truck Punch are giving the flowers.When we are showing up at the factory there is big ceremony that is very fun where we are given honors by little girls with flowers. There is also Japanese luchador who is being known as Hazohami Truck Punch and he is a very nice fellow. He is brother of Doctors Mexican Japanese Paul Truck but he is technicos and is not involved with the robots. He is also having a son who is become good friend of Yours Truly in later years and is going by the name of Big Truck Punch. Mitoshi factory is then having father type wrestle a bear for the workers to improve the efficiencies.

Workers give cheer and out is coming a bear and it is grizzly! It makes to grapple with father type but it is not a fair match. Bear is strong like bear but is also smart like bear so it is not having many holds in hold book. Father type is taking the blows that would damage a brick but is shrugging them off. Then he is put bear in vertical suplex and does the trademark move Loco Leap which is flying somersault and frog splash combined with famous Pinto family neck hold. It is one of the hardest of holds in all of books. Then it is all over and the bear is tapping out.

The bear is wrestle and does it win?Then Hazohami Truck Punch is made to wrestle with the giraffe. It is a tough match because giraffe has qualities like: tall, long legs, tongue holds and Truck Punch is not as big as father type. Neck holds are out of the picture question! This is going many minutes but Hazohami Truck Punch is making a prevail because he is having warrior spirit also a true luchador! The crowd is wild. Then owner of Mitoshi factory is coming out and he is saying "very good, I am guessing we have to change vacuum tube on the robots." We are made to confusion and then he is taking hat off bear and showing it is a robot! Father type is very angry because of old incident with humanidroid but the CEO type is saying that all wrestling in Japan is human versus robot. They are using animadroid because humanidroid is banned for everything other than marriages. Father is okay because they are paying good.

Father is then giving a very key speech to the board of directors about motivation. His main point are that people need to always be closing and also they are needing to put their heart and then also 18 percent more of heart into efforts. He is telling them that it is good to see company as a big family and when the company is made to succeed the employee is also succeed. Health and the fitness is also important so he is saying have exercise every time in the morning and the workers will be the strongest in Japan. Executive types are very impressed and also it is because they are like toy men and father is like giant man. Oh, maybe I am not good to say that because the Japan types are reading. It is okay, you are good peoples, you are just on a smaller scales like hobby trains. This is having advantages like you are good at sneaking and going into the tunnels if you have to.

Oh that Japan cake is toasts!Before we go Hazohami Truck Punch is invite us to Japan wrestler party. There are all kinds of snakes with beards everywhere and lamps made out of paper and he is give father type a surprise Japan cake. Just then American rudos wrestler Animal Grahams the Steel Animal decides to shoot champagnes all over everything. It is a major tragedy and we are sad to lose the cake, but then it is laughs all around. He was rudos but there is also good natured rudos like cheats but also laughs about it and not like Bug Ox who just cheats and then is laughing at by crowd. Still, I am wonder what Japan cake taste like because I am never given to sample its exotic cuisines. Then we are go to noodle shop and there is hilarity man there who is very funny. He is taken picture with father type and also Hawaiian luchador Hawaiian Kicks and it is very funny to me.

Then we are whisked away to the meetings with Doctors Mexican Japanese Paul Truck. It is turning to the out that he is owning a TV channel in Japan and it is very popular. We are meeting a monster man that he has working for him and that is sort of scary. The monster man is having the name Monster Mans and he does not speak good English or Spanish so it is hard to talk to him. He is saying through translators that he is born the strange way he is because of atomic bombs dropped on Japan by America. Father type is sympathy to him but he is also saying "you Japan types are start this war and it is okay for America to drop one bomb, but maybe two is too much." Monster Mans gets a little feisty over this so we are going inside the TV station to meets with Doctors Mexican Japanese Paul Truck.

Father type is a TV star in Japan!He is very fine gentlemans these days and he is saying he is using all of his rudos genius powers for good and entertainment. He is having a show called Laugh: Okay Dokey that is a comedian show. He makes to ask father type if he will be on show with famous Japanese actress Pepper-chan. Father type is entrancing the beauty of Pepper-chan so he is going on the shows. It is a great comedy with the ad libs and father is pretending at one time to be a crazy soldier guy who cannot talk quiet. It is from skits called Hello Loud Talker Rodeo and it is making me laugh beyond the maximum.

Then after this skit there are other skits but father type is not in them so we have the seats on the sets and we are watching. Doctors Mexican Japanese Paul Truck is coming down to sit with us and he is giving us tasty treats of Japans and also cool drinks. I am wanting food of home at this time because the noodles are making me the craziest yet, but I am also liking the Japan sweets. Then there is a horrible notice! Father type is spotting the Wrestlering X at the TV camera. This is the very humanidroid who is made to bend father types DNA and then is also making me inherit the bended DNA.

Father type is very angry so he is threatening to deploy all of the book of hard holds onto Doctors Mexican Japanese Paul Truck. Then the Doctors is explaining that Wrestlering X is retires and since he is a computer he has been given a new programs that make him work a TV camera instead of hurt DNA. Father type is saying "well, that is good news, but I have to call the police because humanidroids are illegal!" Then Doctors Mexican Japanese Paul Truck is telling that Wrestlering X is allowed to be working because he is the wife. This is even more perplex to father type who is saying how can the man be the wife?!?!!?!?

Wrestlering X is working the cameras! How is this being?!"Oh, that is because he is robot, there is no man robot or woman robot just the robot. He is wife and he has many babies that are only 50 percent humanidroid."

That is what the Doctors say but I say it is still weird because it is looking like a man. I am knowing about gays now but back then it was a mystery, so I guess maybe he was a gay. That is it for the TV show but there is a twist of the endings to this story.

The next day we are going down to the boat to row it back to Mexico and we see a newspaper. Father type is wanting to get it as memory of the events and maybe look for article about his visits. There is article in there about his visits, but the top headlines are that Mitoshi factory is to build wife humanidroid called Wifelering X and it is Wrestlering X!!!!!! This is terrible news but we are late to get back to Mexico already. There is more to this disaster but it is coming much later in life when Yours Truly is doing battle along with the Big Truck Punch versus five Wifelering X humanidroids at one time!

I am hope you enjoy this adventure as much as I am enjoying the telling you about it!

– El Pinto Grande

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.