Podcasting is for grandmas! Blogging is dead! We here at Something Awful headquarters are proud as punch to unveil the hottest new Internet buzzwords for 2005! Make sure to start using all these highly intellectual phrases around your hipster college buddies and major media outlets, cause this crap is catching on LIKE FIRE! After all, you want people to think you're smart, right? And what's a better way to tell the world that you're intelligent than by communicating in an incomprehensible language understood by 37 people?

BMO - (Acronym) "Big Man Online." A person who routinely boasts about their page traffic, brags about their number of online friends, attempts to win online popularity contests, and is overly concerned with any other worthless, false indication of their acceptance on the Internet. The ultimate goal of every BMO is to win a Webby Award, the definitive trophy proudly declaring to the world that your 15 minutes of fame ended half an hour ago. The average BMO attempts to add every living creature on the planet to their IM buddy list, because everybody knows the quantity of people you message with "LOL" defines your value as a human being.

Content Masturbator - Any person who creates some form of content for the Internet, from movies to music to writing, and then refuses to stop gloating about and obsessing over their own creation. This usually occurs on their personal blogs, but has been known to spread throughout emails, instant messages, and newsgroups. For more information, also see "BMO" (above).

EXAMPLE:

Person #1: (IM sent to 500 people) "Hey everybody! Come check out the most awesome, hilarious, original Flash game pitting George Bush against Osama Bin Laden! I made it, and it's been played 583,392,881 times in the last 10 minutes! Includes special guest appearances by Britney Spears and Michael Jackson, who show up to make topical jokes which rival abandoned Jay Leno monologues! Be sure to click on the links which appear in my awesome popup windows offering you chances to win free iPods and Eddie Bauer colostomy bags! This Flash game I made has been ranked #1 on Newgrounds, narrowly edging out 'Butt Quest 8' and 'The Mystery of Fart Mountain.' It's the funniest thing you'll ever see! Tell your friends about it! Tell your family! Oh god I'm lonely!"

Crappernetting - Using the Internet from a wireless device, such as a PDA or cellphone, while going to the bathroom. "Advanced Crappernetting," which is using the Internet while standing up and peeing, is only recommended for experts or people who have highly dextrous tongues.

Eam - Any dream involving the Internet. An eam may feature people you communicate with online, websites you visit, or games you play. There are currently no specific words to describe a nightmare involving the Internet, as any eam, by definition, is inherently a nightmare.

Fauxmale - A male who impersonates a female online. The includes (but is not limited to) placing a female's photo on your biography page, playing as a female character in an online game, or using a feminine username such as "_-={bUtTeRfLi}=-_" for any instant messaging program. The major difference between males and females online is that the males usually possess significantly larger boobs.

IOD - (Acronym) "Internet Overdose." The medical condition which arises from using the Internet for a lengthy period of time. Symptoms include throbbing headaches, sore back muscles, bloodshot eyes, and an ass the size of a waterbed. This temporary feeling can be worsened by the use of caffeine and other artificial stimulants, such as allowing your cat to lay down your lap and then jumping into the air after he arbitrarily decides to dig his claws into your thighs for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Not that I'm bitter. Or have a sore back.

Internet Meat - Any food product ordered through the Internet, from pizza to steak.

EXAMPLE:

Person #1: "Hey man, do you want to go out to Arby's tonight?"
Person #2: "No thanks, I just ordered some Internet Meat from pizzahut.com."
Person #1: (Confused) "God, you're a fag."

Interthreat - To scare somebody with physical violence or confrontation online. These claims are usually accompanied by descriptive imagery detailing how muscular the assailant is, along with insults that questions the other person's sexuality. Apparently there's some type of top secret plugin that lets people punch you in the throat over the Internet, because neither time, money, or distance comes in to factor when an Internet tough guy is threatening to beat you up online. Of course, in reality the only thing these people will beat is "off," so many interthreats can be brushed aside.

Lagoff - The temporary feeling of confusion and disorientation when logging off from a MMORPG and having absolutely no idea what time it is in real life. Further queasiness can be compounded by logging off the MMORPG during nighttime in the game, and realizing it's daytime in real life. This is also known as the Lagoff Disorientation Syndrome (LDS), and was claimed to be a factor in the Pope's recent death.

Legal Friendly - A description of any person who threatens to sue at the slightest provocation. Recent studies prove that 87% of the Internet is legal friendly, believing that lawsuits can (and should) be filed if somebody makes fun of you, if somebody quotes something you wrote somewhere at some time, or if somebody writes something you disagree with in any aspect.

EXAMPLE:

Person #1: "Haha, I just read your AIM away message, that's pretty stupid. Is it a quote from Slipknot lyrics? I hate that band."
Person #2: "I HOP U GOT A GUD LAWYAR CUZ IM GUNNA SUE U 4 THAT SLANDAR AND LIBLE U ASHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Person #1: "Calm down, I was just kidding."
Person #2: "OMG THATS LIEING UNDER OATH!!! IM ARESTING U 4 PURGURY!!!"

Feel free to counter any interthreats with legal friendly-speak if you really want to engage in an authentic online conversation.

EXAMPLE:

Person #1: "IM GONNA BEAT UR FAG FACE WITH MY STEAL TOEDED BOOTS!!!"
Person #2: "THATS A THREAT IM CALLIN THE COPS AND GONNA SUE U FOR THREATENING ME WITH HARM"
Person #1: "HAHAHAHA I AM A LEVEL 63 POLICE OFFICER AND THEY DONT CARE WERE GONA STILL BEAT TEH CRAP OUTA U GAY ASS!!!!!!!!!"
Person #2: "OH YEAH WELL IM A LEVEL 86 LAWYER AND UR GOIN TO JAIL ASS FAG"

Nexpert - Any self-proclaimed "tech savvy" media journalist who claims to be on the hip, cutting edge of this whole "information superhighway" thing. Did you know that they put computers inside cars now?!? Computers inside cars! What will they think of next? Hey guys did you hear about this "all of your bases" catchphrase? It's the bee's knees!

Podblogcasting - Talking about your blog during your podcast. Also known as "being a trendy, annoying idiot who everybody hates."

Runk - The trash, food particles, animal hair, and other tiny assorted pieces of god-knows-what that slips in between your keyboard keys and has to be vigorously shaken out every three months. This word can be used as a verb; "runking" somebody means to use a can of compressed air to blow out the runk in your keyboard, causing it to fly all over and cover them in a disgusting layer of stale cookie pieces and pubic hair.

Shout N' Run - Sending an "important" message to somebody over AIM, then immediately disappearing (often to another dimension) before the person can reply.

EXAMPLE:

Person #1: "Oh my god, are you there? I just got back from the hospital. You won't fucking believe what the doctor said. Jesus Christ, I can't believe it myself, this is horrible."
Person #2: (Replying three seconds later) "I'm here, what happened? Are you okay?"
Person #1: "AUTO AWAY MESSAGE: A girl is much more than she seems, not a toy by any means. Underneath the makeup and hair, there's a sign saying handle with care."
Person #2: "Huh?"

Spam Rage - An uncontrollable burst of anger culminating from receiving a significant amount of spam mail. Spam rage is usually the factor which pushes a person "over the edge," the defining excuse to lose control of one's emotions. For example, a person may wake up late for work, spill coffee on their shirt, get stuck in traffic, walk into the office to be chewed out by their boss, and lose an importation business contract, but they will manage to stay relatively calm... until they check their email and discover 400 messages from "CoolSt0cks 4000" offering the best APR rates on the hottest stock picks out of any Christian loan company selling Paris Hilton sex videos. At that point the victim will slam their fist onto their keyboard while shouting a choice explicative. As quickly as it began, the spam rage ends, with no long-term effects except latent suspicion from co-workers who happened to pass by at that moment.

TBTP - (Acronym) "Too Busy To Pee." An expression describing how the user absolutely cannot be interrupted for anything, including crucial IRC parties and emergency guild meetings.

Web Trash - Users who create embarrassingly horrible homepages. These include the use of animated gifs, embedded mp3s, aLtErNaTiNg lOwErCaSe AnD uPpErCaSe, unnecessary photos of themselves, awful poetry, blinking backgrounds, Javascript page transitions, mouse trails, and 500-paragraph long dissertations detailing every painfully banal aspect of their life. Also known as "Livejournal users."

Zoning - Losing all interest in the Internet, casually reading webpages not out of interest, but to waste time. This also involves clicking random displayed links, not really paying attention to what you're reading or where you're visiting. Although many consider zoning to be a stream-of-consciousness type of Internet browsing, experts have proven it's responsible for 84% of existing installed spyware. If you've gotten this far in today's update, chances are pretty good you're zoning right now.

With all these super-new and super-hip Internet slang, we're sure to hit the big leagues now! Hooray Internet!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'

  • Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.