Want to see and experience just how terrible the maps featured on Cranky Steve's Haunted Whorehouse are? Well thanks to the ever generous "Master of Pain", you now can! To play against your friends and / or enemies on the absolute most horrible Quake 3: Arena maps ever produced, follow these simple instructions:

1) Download the Cranky Steve's Haunted Whorehouse Quake 3: Arena maps,
2) Connect to 206.109.32.1 (default port)
3) Sue id Software for making a product that caused you to go blind and murder your significant other.

Yes, it's that simple! So what are you waiting for? Grab those maps and get ready to experience a little interactive awfulness! Thanks, Master of Pain, for bringing on the pain!

I've noticed an unsettling change coming over me the past few weeks. Something frightening. Something disturbing. Something... well, awful. As a practicing amateur professional doctor-based substitute equivalent, I was smart enough to take note of the symptoms I had been experiencing and write them down to highlight my decent into sickness. As you will soon see, ladies and gentlemen, I am suffering from a severe and unrecoverable case of premature aging. The proof is all there:

Right leg acting up before thunderstorms. And after thunderstorms. And during thunderstorms.
Excessive amounts of sitting around, waiting for the mail to be delivered so I can browse through the 50 coupons for "Lenny's Ice Cream Shack."
Constantly flipping through the television channels, only to end up watching "The 700 Club."
Not being able to hear what amount the cashier claims is my total bill for the bathmat and three foam hats I purchased at Target.
Hair falling off various areas of my body, forcing extra hair to compensate and grow from my ears and nose canal.
Developing a bodily odor which smells like a combination of wet railroad tracks, plaster, and mothballs that have been sitting in a flooded basement since the Battle of Gettysburg.
Referring to any group of people under 30 years old as "those kids."

I thought at first that perhaps this was all due to the fact that I started buying that new crazy fiber cereal with the flakes that look like Rhea Perlman's kidney stones, but then the final piece of the puzzle arrived in the mail the other day. Folks, you can't imagine how surprised I was to get this (which has not been faked or doctored in any way, except to mosaic out my address and darken the rest of the letter):

Yup, I have been formally invited to join the AARP -- the American Association of Retired Persons. I can't answer how or why this happened, but I swear to God that I got an actual, legit letter from the AARP, welcoming me aboard their ranks. I would claim this was the happiest day of my life, but I found a gas station in Santa Ana last week that sells unleaded for about four cents cheaper than the average here, and that narrowly edges out this fantastic event. Regardless, being told that I am now a member of the AARP is just terribly exciting, and I can't wait to begin reaping my benefits. Hell, I'm 24 for God's sake -- I deserve the rest, relaxation, and respect that comes with my old age! I spent my entire life working my ass off and now it's time for me to kick back and live it up! After doing a brief, cursory search on what you kids call "The Inter-net", I was able to dig up these fantastic deals aimed at "my people", rewarding me for all I've given to the community and you ungrateful brats during my lifetime:

Bay City Windows - In appreciation for the many contributions that AARP members have made to the community Bay City Windows™ is offering a 10% discount off the regular installed price of complete home packages to any AARP member.

Get an AARP Discount on AOL With My Pal "Papa Whiskey 250" - Born 1941 Des Moines Iowa, Attended Wallace, Amos Hiatt and East High Schools, Charter member orginal "Crusaders" Rod Club, Enjoyed Hunting, Fishing, Camping, Boating, Fast Cars/ Motorcycles, Greater Des Moines Drag Strip, and especially "B.A.R."

Atlanta & National Custom Foot Supports - CUSTOM FOOT ORTHOTICS NORMALLY COST AS MUCH AS $650.00!! Save 50% HERE! AARP 10% discount.

I Can Stay at the Luxurious Greater Beloit Comfort Inn - 53511 Indoor Pool & Jacuzzi (6 am - 12 midnight). 10% discount, AARP discount, Corporate rates.

Free Introduction to Family Tree Maker Software Video - In this free 60-minute "Intro" video, a Family Tree Maker expert user walks you through the many features of this best selling genealogy software including tools and tips for entering data, creating documents (including reports, web pages, and family books), and searching for additional resources.

Now maybe some of you insolent ruffians out there are getting a good chortle from my fantastic discounts and savings, but it will be short-lived. Tell me this, you cretinous dregs: when I'm sitting in my plush single room in Greater Beloit, wearing a comfortable pair of shoes and looking out my brand new windows while "Papa Whiskey 250" turns on the "Introduction to Family Tree Maker Software" VHS tape, who do you think will be getting the last laugh? No seriously, who do you think will be getting the last laugh? I forgot what I was talking about and really hope you can clue me in. I'm cold, lonely, and nobody calls me anymore. My ungrateful kids dumped me off in my wheelchair at the dog-racing track last week, and I don't know how to get home. I hope the Family Tree Maker Software video has a section on "how to dial for the Police," because those two kids with blue shirts that read "Pokemon" look like they're up to no good at all.

The launch of Real Awful News is getting close, and will probably be around the end of this week. The relaunch of Something Awful will probably be next week. Whee!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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