My former friend and fellow SA writer David Thorpe spent several months convincing me to join him in attending the Gathering of the Juggalos, a prestigious event wherein fans of the Insane Clown Posse gather to celebrate the arts. Unfortunately for me, David Thorpe had been working the long con, and had no intention of ever going. I spent the entire event looking for him, and ended up missing most of the festivities.
I'm too distraught to try to make lemonade out of this pumpkin-sized lemon I've been dealt, so I'm just going to share my unrequited text messages to him in lieu of a formal write up.
Thursday, 8 pm
Hey just arrived. Wish we could have carpooled from airport, since it's a long drive. If you need to pick me out of the crowd, I'm wearing a blueish-green fedora.
Thursday, 8:15 pm
Yo where you at? I'm getting a lot of dirty looks from the other festival goers. Not feeling those positive vibes i got from the song "Miracles."
Wow, barely here a half hour and I think I just saw ICP!!!
Nope, false alarm. Everybody here looks like ICP.
Thursday, 8:30 pm
Forget about the hat, a gentleman who identified himself as "juggalo security" took my hat and vomited in it. Not wearing it again. I'm near the drug bridge by the three fat older juggalos who look like one really giant juggalo.
Thursday, 9:30 pm
Hey Dave, had to move away from those 3 fat juggalos because of a weird odor. I'm near a group of juggalings burning a raccoon. Look for a very short pillar of smoke. I can see a faygo stand.
Thursday, 11 pm
Guess who have 2 giant faygo slushes and ishaving a hard time texting with them hands.. This guy
Friday, 12 am
Hey Dave had to drink both faygo slueshies but can get you one when i see you. You booked us a hotel right??? Super tired would love to get some rest. don't worry about the 20 voicemails i left just call
Friday, 9:30 am
Wanted to get in the spirit of things, so started throwing rocks at Dustin Diamond last night. 2 surprise DD facts: does not like rocks, very good at strangling. slept very well out in the open as a result. Please call back.
Friday, 10 am
Yo dave tune in to WFuckOffRadio in 15 minutes for a special broadcast. Better yet, come join me so we can finally meet up and get started.
Friday, 10:15 am
Nevermind, got knocked out of line by pushy juggalette that may or may not have been a fetus blasted with a growth ray then garnished with colorful candy. Seems like she had something important to say.
Friday, 11 am
Heard a rumor Charlie Sheen broke away from the gathering with an army of loyal juggalos... out here with these natives it must be a temptation to be god.
Friday, 1 pm
Looks like there are a lot of very old gentlemen wrestling. It is a welcome relief after so much loud music.
Friday, 5 pm
Ouch! Some rabid teenage Juggalette hit me on the back of the head with a bag of ice. She apologized and said I looked like her step brother from behind. Got some free ice for the fresh bruise on the back of my head, so not a bad deal.
Anyway was unconscious for a good part of the afternoon, which is probably why you haven't found me.
Friday, 9 pm
Being around these juggalos in their natural state awakens something primal in a man, something savage. I wonder if, lost amongst beasts, a man would start to think and reason as one, eat raw meat as one, kill as one
Friday, 9:05 pm
Hey Dave sorry about that last message I'm fine we're all fine, I've had too much sun today. Not ignoring my raw meat allergy or anything. Could you just come to the front of the very big stage the angry african american man is yelling from?
Friday, 10 pm
Not really into rap music, wonder if any other types of music will be played. Would love to hear some ska.
Saturday, 9 am
Fell asleep in a Festi-Cab. I guess they forgot I was in the back and were kind enough to leave me chained up with the rest of the Festi-Cabs once working hours ended. Had to hop a fence to get out.
Saturday, 11 am
Well, this is awkward. Stuck in Jimmy JJ Walker's trailer and he is asleep and I don't want to wake him so I can't risk leaving. Please just wait outside until I sneak away.
Saturday, 12 pm
Think I'm gonna be sick. Accidentally walked into some sort of impromptu Jugalette flashing contest. Like deep sea invertebrates spilling out of cutoff jeans and sports jerseys...
Saturday, 12:05 pm
Uh oh, apparently my involuntary look of repulsion toward the juggalettes offended one of the juggalos. A mob of them are surrounding me and telling me I'm in trouble.
Saturday, 12:30 pm
I've just been informed an ad hoc juggalo tribunal is being formed and that i'll be going on trial... If you're around, could really use you as a lawyer or character witness.
Saturday, 1:30 pm
Things are moving fast... Just heard I'm being assigned representation... Getting chills... Thinking of Tony Shalhoub's great speeches from "man who wasn't there."
Saturday, 2 pm
Looks like I've been assigned a lawyer by the name of Pukeface. He thinks we've got a strong case and feels very confident. Won't need you to represent me, but could use a character witness for sure.
Saturday, 2:30 pm
I just saw Flavor Flav setting his clock. Guess he's not using to working in the central time zone. Hope you get your phone fixed in time to make it to my trial.
Saturday, 3 pm
Well great, Pukeface just threw the entire trial, and the joker cards didn't turn in my favor. Don't think Judge Fangboner is going to allow for a mistrial. Sentencing commences shortly. The Dark Carnival of Judgement looms...
Saturday, 3:30 pm
Phew STAY OF EXECUTIONThey found me guilty, but then forgave me. Turns out these Juggalos are all good Christians and practice forgiveness of one's enemies. Huge relief. Think I better take an early leave and skip Sunday. Hope you get this and don't keep looking for me.
I'm hoping Dave makes it up to me by being an awesome friend at this year's Burning Man, since I paid a small fortune for tickets after he talked me into going with him.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.