Law and Order!
Hey kids! It's your old pal Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka again, updating from sunny wherever-the-hell-I-am! I thought today we would take a little detour in the normal awful road traveled and instead I'd write about... nah, actually I can't do that, the church would hunt me down and crucify me. Well okay, we're going to change plans and instead... oops, okay, that's illegal in 48 states, forget that idea. all right, I'm going to replace today's regular content with a fresh and exciting... no, that idea is neither fresh nor exciting. Ah fuck it, there's nothing new and original today. Today's just another...
TWO LAWSUIT TUESDAY!!!
Leonard Crabs, seen here in his old office.
That's right folks, Something Awful recently racked up TWO LAWSUITS IN TWO DAYS! Actually, we technically got three lawsuit threats in two days, but the third one was written by a person with the IQ of a sliding door, who emailed the threat to a hosting company which has nothing to do with Something Awful. So, while that is a lawsuit threat, I'm not going to count it here. Regardless, two lawsuits in two days is very impressive considering the people who threaten to sue us often require federal workers to type their email for them. Basically, the lawsuit procedure goes like this:
1) Shitty site is featured as an Awful Link of the Day
2) Shitty webmaster of shitty site writes a shitty email, threatening to sue me for vague / nonexistent charges if I don't agree to take his site off my page, apologize to him, do 70 situps in one minute, and clean his oven.
3) Leonard "J." Crabs replies with an email that contains highly legal words such as "bench" and "magenta."
4) Shitty webmaster is caught using the public YMCA computer terminal to send legal threats and is promptly kicked off. Lawsuit threat is over and I win by default.
Every single lawsuit threat follows those easy-to-remember steps. Oh sure, occasionally you have a shitty webmaster who is a master of disguise and staples a fake wax mustache to his face in order to trick the YMCA workers, but all lawsuit threats seem to abide by these rules. It's easy to understand why this is; Americans are raised in a country that preaches legal threats as the solution to every problem. You don't like what somebody thinks about you? Sue them! You don't agree with what somebody said? Sue them! Your life didn't turn out the way you expected? Sue... somebody! Sue them all and let God sort them out! If life were a sandbox, these lawsuit-happy dopes would be the kids who instantly run away to their parents, bawling that another child called them a name or looked at them funny. They would also be the same kids who soak their bologna sandwiches in their own urine and eat it for lunch. However, life is not a sandbox. Well, the sandboxes are, but other than the sandboxes it's not. Supposedly "grown" individuals mature past the "mommy, he called me a name!" stage of life and progressively move along to the "lawyer, he called me a name!" phase of adulthood. The "I'm telling" mentality of such crybabies never goes away, it just manifests itself in different forms. That's fine with me though; these doofball lawsuits give Leonard "J." Crabs something to do instead of spending all day in my attic, making weird owl sounds and occasionally singing popular big band songs. Anyway, onto the lawsuits.
LAWSUIT #1: Something Awful vs. FLUFFY BUNNY SPARKLE CLOUD RAVES
The first legal threat comes from Internet powerhouse "Fluffy Bunny Sparkle Cloud Raves," a site dedicated to "candy ravers" who were somehow able to replace their collective brains with leaking glowsticks. Apparently they didn't enjoy being featured as an Awful Link of the Day, as it undoubtedly caused a "bad trip" or "nasty karma" or whatever the hell stupid ass shit they say. Something Awful doesn't abide by the rule of PLUR! More hugs, more drugs! The ravers initiated the attack with a blistering email message, sending my legal team (Leonard and his hat) into a tailspin.
From: Laurence Maar
Subject: Copyright Violation Notice
Copyright Violation Notice
18 November 2001
We are requesting that you remove all images taken from the Fluffy Bunny Sparkle Cloud Raves website. All images on the Fluffy Bunny Sparkle Cloud Raves website are copyright material and you have not been authorized to use them.
Yes, that's correct, we're being threatened by somebody with an email address of "bunnylust6" representing a site called "Fluffy Bunny Sparkle Cloud Raves." Can you sense the raw terror emanating from the lower region of my body? Can you eFeel my eFingers eShaking? PLUR! I can just picture the court case now...
IDIOT RAVER: "Your honor, I claim that the defendant-"
IDIOT RAVER: "What...? Woah, I like didn't even say anything and I like already like won the like case, dude! Like, woah!"
JUDGE: "No, I find you guilty of LSD, ecstasy, and marijuana possession."
IDIOT RAVER: "What a trip, man!"
Not being one to take any risks, I handed the legal car keys over to Leonard "J." Crabs, ace Something Awful lawyer and consumer of fine shellfish. Leonard immediately responded, assuring us a quick and painless victory.
Leonard "hittin' it" with "da ladies".
From: Leonard "J." Crabs
Subject: I'm "raving" about your lawsuit!
Dear Sir or Feminine Sir,
Your letter has been passed onto myself and the law office of myself, The Law Offices of Leonard "J." Crabs, "attorney at law" who represents "clients" on the "Internet" in a "holographic 3D room." As I munch on a delicious snack of prawns and snack pretzels, I hereby legally serve you with the following notice: I have studied law near Harvard, inside a library, under a park bench, and in the court room. I have studied law while asleep. I have studied law from the deepest caves of the woods. I have used the law as my willing tool of legal building foundation, constructing a business with drywall of justice and ceiling tiles of truth. I, however, don't know what this "FBSCR" thing is you refer to; I think you probably work at a bank and that sir is bad business because you can "bank" on the fact that my upcoming legal "bank shot" will knock you through the courtroom doors and into whatever is beyond. It could be a broom closet or maybe somebody's office. I doubt you'd like to find out, Mr. "Candy Dancer," if that is your real name.
I am looking forward to fighting your "fluffy bunny" in the legal arena armed to my bare teeth with lawyer-type tools that would boggle your puny mind. Please forward me any appropriate legal photocopies, printed backwards and from right to left instead of left to right as my eyesight was recently damaged by an illegal alien I was defending in a court case that may have taken place in an alley. In addition, I will need to be sent the following judicial forms:
Thank you for your email, please drive through to the next window, the window of raw justice.
- Leonard "J." Crabs
The "J" stands for "Job well done!"
We haven't gotten any response so far, and in fact the ravers' site seems to be down. That's like two victories for the price of one! Actually, Leonard just stabbed me in the ribs with a meat skewer, so that brings it back down to only one victory.
LAWSUIT #2: Something Awful vs. EMERALD CITY RECORDING
El Pinto Grande took over the site last Wednesday, detailing his epic adventure of danger, wonder, and mystery (he got drunk and passed out in the back of a wagon). His Awful Link of the Day featured an absolutely insane, horrible, eye-blisteringly terrible website that was evidently designed by detonating plastic explosives inside a paint factory. Of course EPG didn't really say all that, as he quickly went off on a tangent about wrestling or cooking or mansex or something. Nevertheless, this didn't stop the webmaster from threatening us with legal action! God bless America!
From: John Doet
Subject: PLEASE READ ASAP. VERY IMPORTENT - J. Doet
Dear Mr Kyanka,
I am mailing you to express my displeasure at your featuring my website Emerald City Recordings, on your entertainment site, Something Awful on the date of November 14 2001. I was informed of the matter via a friend, who was very distressed to see my website portraid in such a way.
I suggest you remove anything relating to my website, IMMEDIATLEY. You have caused me and my family much grief during this matter. You don't like my site? Well guess what, I don't like yours much either. But these are just opinions, it matters not what one person thinks, but what people as a whole think that matters.
Here is the deal: You remove any content related to my website or I'll see you in court. Unlike the others who's sites you mercilessley mock, I am not afraid to make a stand. You have 24 hours to remove anything related to my website from your site. Otherwise you shall be hearing from my lawyer. And before you think of informing any of your fans, so they can further harrass me, I mean to tell you this: If ANYONE other than you and I see the contents of this message, I will take court action, REGARDLESS of whether you remove all contents related to my site or not.
I expect you to reply IMMEDIATELY.
James Doet (co-Webmaster of ECR)
Oooh! Spooky! I hope you readers appreciate me putting my life in jeopardy by reproducing this email, knowing full well that James Doet could sue me into the Stone Age just for mentioning he sent me an email! Head for the hills, we're being bombed into legal oblivion! Leonard "J." Crabs instantly sprung up to my side, as he had been sleeping under my desk for the past four hours.
Leonard Crabs' promotional legal memo.
From: Leonard "J." Crabs
Subject: 500 free minutes of cellphone time!!! PLEASE READ!!!
Dear Mr. James "CO-Webmaster of ECR" Doet,
Greetings, my name is Leonard "J." Crabs, the official legal representative for the website Something Awful (hereby referred to as "defendant's website") and Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka (hereby referred to as "defendant"). I was recently forwarded your email expressing your deep distress, grief, emotional damage, and flaccidicular vermissitude in respond to the defendant's website (hereby referred to as "prime liability"). It is my job to look into these matters sent to me by the defendant (hereby referred to as "owner of prime liability") and make sure all parties interested are satisfied to a degree that they could potentially walk up to a person on the street and say, "you know that lawsuit I was in? Well I'm satisfied to a degree about that whole thing!" I have been doing this for over 28 years now, even longer if you count in dog years.
The prime liability (hereby referred to as "tantamount alliteration")expressed no prior notice towards your electronic rights (stated in amendments 582a through, well, something. I seem to have misplaced my Jumbo Legal Advice Book somewhere under the 500 empty cans of Yoo Hoo in my office which some members of the community may call "the bed of a pickup truck" but I respectfully disagree. For example, there is usually hay and dirt and pigs in the back of a pickup truck and if you'll ever visit my office you'll notice there is absolutely no hay anywhere). The tantamount alliteration (hereby referred to as "climatorious post facto") and myself have been in a variety of court capers such as the one you are threatening us with. These past cases include the famous " State of Sudan vs. Richard Kyanka," "Richard Kyanka vs. The Island of Sudan," and "Captain Lou Albano vs. The Haunted Castle." I claimed victory in all of these cases, often performing a colorful "fatality" move on both the opposing lawyer and judge. One time I was in a spacecraft and saw my house!
As I originally stated, your emotional stress concerns me deeply, as I am a practicing hobbyist physician and it pains me to see a fellow human be in such dire straits. Your "emotional blowback" levels seem to be dangerously high, which can result in unnecessary stress, brain tumors, or chest beetles. Do you exercise regularly? If so, you should probably stop. Do you drive a truck? If so, you should purchase one of those bead things that you put on the seat behind you. In addition, increase the amount of chalk and vitamin M in your diet. This will not only decrease your emotional blowback level, but it will also grow hair in the back of your throat and allow you to pass through solid objects after drinking heavily.
Once you have taken my prescribed advice, I would be more than happy to conference with your lawyer regarding your impending lawsuit against the climatorious post facto (hereby referred to as "anabolic parable"). Who, may I ask, is representing you? How tall is he? What's his name? Does he think I'm cute? None of these questions matter much, as all lawyers look the same once I've run them through my 4-Ton Legal Lawyerin' Machine, which I recently upgraded with a level 18c plutonium rod core. Although the Washington State Judge enacted a restraining order explicitly forbidding me from coming within a 500-yard radius of another living entity, I would be more than happy to visit your lawyer in the middle of the night when he falsely believes himself to be safe and secure in his own home. For an additional fee, I will also check his dog for parasites and paint his deck.
Please respond to myself and anabolic parable (hereby referred to as "Marquee Mark") at your earliest convenience, or even faster if possible.
Thank you very much,
Leonard "J." Crabs
The "J." stands for "good work!"
The fun doesn't stop there, folks! James Doet continued to respond to me, and I continued to reply back in a crafty legal ping-pong match of rapier-like wits! However, the correspondence is too long to list on the front page. Head on over to the Legal Threats section and read the gory details for yourself! If you don't go, I'm going to sue you! No, I'm just kidding. I'll sue you regardless.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.