From: Arapahoe Chief
To: Diana, She-Queen of Human Resources
CC:
Subject: I cause heap big problem
DIANA

Arapahoe Chief here. Remember Giganticus? Man so big he put planet in pocket? Arapahoe Chief grow and grow to fight him and win fight, but turn out Arapahoe Chief not fix planet right. Read article on space blog say planet headed away from sun. Everything freeze in one hour. Arapahoe Chief grow big again and fix, but not sure correct trajectories to ensure stable orbit. Need giant scientist to help fine tune.

Also request giant speech therapist so I not talk like racist caricature.

Anything else you want done while I up here? Extra moon maybe? Don't like waste hyuk-chuck on just one little thing.

Sincerely,
ARAPAHOE CHIEF


From: The Blue Beacon
To: Diana, She-Queen of Human Resources
CC:
Subject: Wikipedia keeps reverting my article
Sorry to bother you, Diana, but I am having a hell of a time with that internet encyclopedia thing Wikipedia. They have these huge pages up with information about everyone in the Justice Legion, which is fine, I'm never against a little free publicity, only mine lists all my weaknesses.

You know my weakness is to anything that's the color red, which is a little more of a problem than say Ultimate Human and his deal with Maginite crystals. I tried changing the article to remove the part about my weaknesses, but some guy going by the name "BlueBeaconSucks" keeps reverting the changes to include the weaknesses. He even added a new section called "ways to kill Blue Beacon" with tips like "paint your bullets red" and "make a red sword."

Everything is sourced back to those articles that asshole reporter Clarence Kent wrote at the Morning Planet exposing my weaknesses. That was ten years ago, but I guess Morning Planet just put their whole archives online and....well, anyway. See what you can do. It's hard enough out there for me as it is, if everyone comes prepared I'm up the creek without a paddle.

Maybe you can locate the HQ of Wikipedia and we can take them out once and for all.

BB


From: The Dark Vigilante
To: Diana, She-Queen of Human Resources
CC:
Subject: HELP.....DYING.....
DIANA...TEXTING FROM...DARKPHONE....

WUNDERKIND...DEAD...ME...CRITICAL WOUNDS...

PUNCHED THROUGH...CHEST...BY MEXICAN FISH MAN...AGUA HOMO.......

TELL...ULTIMATE HUMAN...I LOVED HIM...LIKE A WIFE...........

HANG ON GOT INCOMING CALL

WAS ULTIMATE HUMAN...HE IS REVERSING TIME...SPINNING PLANET BACKWARD...WITH HELP OF GIANT...

SAVAGE..........

GAY

SEE YOU ON FLIP SIDE.....



– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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