Did you know that Obama supporters single handedly raised the temperature fifteen degrees for the month of October? I know all sorts of facts like that. I went to a rally, and, I swear to God, they had their own aura. I put on my thermal imagining device and the crowd was so bright it was enough to blind the Predator. Want to know another fact? The single act of peeling bumper stickers off wax paper generated enough kinetic energy to warm the country for weeks. But now the celebrations have ended and the temperature is decreasing.
The winter usually means swapping out of your slacks and polo shirt for warmer clothing. But wait. Hold on. Do you really want to wear winter clothes? Think about how it looks. Why look so girly in mittens and scarf with hat and snowball? Why sacrifice style for warmth? You look good in polo and khaki. You like polo and khaki. Why not wear your favorite golfing outfit on all winter? I'll let you make the final choice on what you want to wear all winter, but I think you'll agree. Nothing looks better than a nice pair of slacks and a pressed white polo. Pulling off the winter golfer look can be an expensive ordeal. Believe me. But, you can maximize the warmth in your house while minimizing your heating bill simply by utilizing items that usually go to waste.
Sock snakes. The sock snake is a practical tool in keeping your house warm. Its main purpose is to stop drafts from entering. It also keeps kids and fools busy while they make one of these little buggers. Once they're finished, use the snake for its third purpose: choking people out. After the person is rendered unconscious, move their limp body out of your designated warm area. You cannot share your heat. Not now at least. Not if you want to keep that stylish polo on.
Now that you are alone, it is time to get serious. You need to fill one room up with all your warm things. But how do you find the warm things? Simple. Put on your thermal imagining device. Don't have a thermal imagining device? That's weak. I have two. One's waterproof. I've included pictures in case you're pathetic. Either way, you should look into purchasing one. You never know when you'll have to track someone through a forest at night.
The most common, overlooked source of heat in a house is the light bulb. One light bulb can turn a cup of milk into a cup of lukewarm milk in less than an hour. If you add up all the light bulbs in your living space together, that's strong enough to really warm things up. Rearrange your living space to fit the influx. You do not have to have decorative lamps like the ones pictured, that's just my collection of Tiffany pieces. No biggie. Remember: Do not use those weird new bulbs. The coils ruin the heat making process within the contraption.
Remember that kid you put in the snow? No, do not bring them in. Instead, go to its living area. Inside, you'll find lots of miniature things, like a tiny bed and shoes small enough for your thumb. Keep looking until you find a little oven. The Easy Bake Oven is a lot like your oven only small and cute and it won't burn the hair off your arms when you ignite the pilot light. It is also easy to move. Plug this tool near you while you bake to gain its heat and brownies. If the warmth is not enough, place more ingredients and child toys in the hole until the fire is to your liking. If you do not have a child to steal toys from, try a George Forman Grill; however, nothing can replace the excellent flame produced by a pile of doll-babies.
By this point, you're probably pretty comfortable in your khaki and polo attire. If you close your eyes you might be able to imagine yourself in a really warm place, like a public library or a health clinic. But, now it's time to get serious. What if your room felt like a public library-in Tahiti? Yeah, it's possible.
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
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