This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.
Congratulations, Montgomery Family!
After believing them lost, we recently found the records containing Charmer's score in the recent Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Invitational. As you know from your participation, the Invitational is where ordinary and extraordinary dogs come to strut their stuff for judges and adoring dog lovers alike. And the scoring records for your dog is key in determining if little Charmer moves on to the semifinals.
We felt just awful losing those records, and that's why we are so excited to have recovered them. I'm sure you share in that excitement with us, wishing only the best for your dog.
Looking at the records here now I see that your dog scored poorly and is not eligible to attend the semifinals. Her scores are so low that she technically shouldn't have been eligible for even the Invitational. According to Judge Chester Knap's notes, this dog was so poorly qualified to compete that it can only be by human malice that she was entered in the first place.
Because our time as judges is valuable, we have attached an invoice. We ask that you make out any checks to Kennel Fair, Inc. Please note that we billed you for two hours of judging even though the process only took five minutes of Judge Chester Knap's time. We rounded up to the nearest hour for that then added in the hour it took to locate the missing scorecard.
Again, congratulations on getting the results!
Richard W. Beauregard
Dear Gerd Family,
On behalf of my fellow judges, we are writing to inform you that your Field Spaniel, the haunting Seminal Lasting Triumph, shined bright in the recent Kennel Fair Dog Pageant, though not because of any outstanding traits.
It was clear from the start you painstakingly affixed a great many jewels and gems to your dog in hopes of making her seem more exciting and elegant. The results were anything but. The glue you used was clearly toxic, as evidenced by the many skin lesions and horrible patches of torn fur still clinging to her suffering body.
While there is nothing in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Rules & Guidelines prohibiting the act of bejeweling a canine, common sense and basic human decency definitely forbids it. Seminal Lasting Triumph's constant moans of agony as she tried to remove those painful gems tore at my heartstrings. I must confess I still hear those unnatural shrieks when I close my eyes at night.
I'm not going to turn you into animal cruelty, because being disqualified from the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant semifinals is punishment enough. If you decide you want to try for the championship again, I trust you will do so using more honest methods: raising an outstanding and exceptional dog.
Richard W. Beauregard
Important information on the most populous animal on earth and perhaps the universe.
You may have thought that a long dead author who was basically terrified of black people would be bad at the dozens. And you'd be right.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.