This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.
Dear Sullivan Family,
We are writing you with some urgent news: you forgot your dog! After the judging ended in our Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Invitational, you left your beautiful Bichon Frise behind!
Xerox Montenegro Carlsbad is barking up a storm and missing you all very dearly. She's quite an energetic pooch and we hate to see her so heartbroken!
It is easy to become distracted at our dog pageants. Most presenters are unaccustomed to the glitz and glamour of a professional dog show. Between the excited crowds, the magnificent canine competitors and the intense media interest, it's very hard to stay focused.
We need you to come retrieve your dog from the Shaggy Butte National Guard Armory no later than business hours on the 16th. If you are unable to pick her up by then, we will have no choice but to dispose of her.
As a side note, she did not meet our judging criteria and will not be invited back to the semifinals.
Looking forward to your prompt response,
Bernard W. Beauregard
Dear Mr. Bunt,
On behalf of my fellow judges, Mr. Chester Knap and Mrs. Elizabeth Beemarsh, we would like to congratulate on raising such an exceptional dog. As far as Afghan Hounds go, Fantasia is one of the most beautiful and captivating we have ever seen. I personally felt a kinship with her and I believe that, while judging her, she developed a fondness for me.
Because I have allowed myself to be compromised on an emotional level, I feel I must excuse myself from offering a final judgment in the competition. Unfortunately, as I am head judge of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant, this means I must therefore disqualify her.
Please understand you have helped shape an amazing canine, one that would have assuredly won Best in Show had things gone more smoothly. I cannot begin to imagine the overwhelming volume of love, hard work, and sacrifice you put into raising her. I know that her not even making it to the semifinals must be heart wrenching. The weight of your disappointment must be unbearable.
Perhaps I can offer an easy and financially pleasing solution. I am more than willing to purchase your dog for a price you deem fair. Please respond as soon as possible with a ballpark figure so we can begin the negotiation process. I only ask that you be reasonable and respectful. She is an amazing dog, but remember she failed to even qualify in our tournament.
As a side note, if you are interested in swapping her for another dog--or even two or three lesser dogs-- I am delighted to accommodate.
Looking forward to doing business!
Bernard W. Beauregard
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
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Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.