This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.
Dear Mr. Handlebrother,
This is a courtesy letter letting you know you are barred from any and all future Kennel Fair Dog Pageant events. We do not take kindly to lewd whistling at our events, and the fact you chose to do so whenever any female dog was presenting was disgraceful. These dogs are under tremendous pressure to perform and do not need distractions from lecherous perverts such as yourself.
This is your last and only warning: back off, buster!
Richard W. Bearegard
Dear Mr. Mosley,
I am writing you in regards to your Beardie, Lord Wagsworth. Let me just say this: I saw fire in his eyes. He had the look and the determination of a true winner. However, I also saw cracks in the façade. Lord Wagsworth was trying hard. He was trying too hard.
The skills and qualities we're looking for should come natural to a dog. Lord Wagsworth was barely keeping it together, and was clearly under tremendous psychological strain. I've seen it a million times, and it's never easy. Nor is what comes next going to be easy: we regret to inform you that Lord Wagsworth has not been selected to attend the semifinals.
We ask that you keep a close, watchful eye on him over the next several days. Dogs like Lord Wagsworth do not cope with failure well, and are more than likely to take drastic action. Most often that action is suicide. It's not just a matter of making sure he can't run out in traffic, as few dogs choose that method these days. Some are so bold as to hang themselves by leash, while a select few pursue a more radical path such as starvation. Still others choose to go out in dramatic flash of violence and insanity, forcing our law officers to shoot them in the name of public safety.
Your dog is handsome and of decent quality. He is talented and loving and good. He is many positive things, just not semifinals material. Please do not tell Lord Wagsworth we said that. If you must lie to him, we suggest you tell him that he is simply "too good to compete." While this is not true, we are willing to promote a little white lie if it keeps him alive and happy. If you do tell him the truth, make sure you are prepared to see him through the pain and anguish that is to follow. It won't be pretty, we assure you.
Wishing you all the best,
Richard W. Bearegard
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.