Mallory Age 8 Telling Quote: "I believe in nothing. I know only the tangible power of steel and fire. It is the power to inspire fear in the weak." Why: Blue-eyed, cute, gregarious, and one of the youngest girls in Kid Nation; It's all the perfect cover for a heartless and calculating monster ready to serve as Nathan's eyes, ears, and poisoned dagger. She will rise to power over the cooling corpses of those who stand in her way. How: Mallory's network of informants and turncoats will be in place long before Nathan ascends to the throne of Kid Nation. Once she recognizes his potential, his rise to dominance will be assured. Mallory will destroy his competitors and safeguard his rule through secrecy. It will be Mallory that suggests stoning Jared as an example to Nathan's detractors and it will be Mallory's agents that close the noose on Markelle. She will suggest decorating the saloon with the heads of the defeated and she will impose the rule of thumbs under which all dissenters are maimed. When, at last, Nathan's empire crumbles, when the enemy is storming the Bonanza Hotel, they will find Mallory in his throne room, standing over his corpse.
Sophia Age 14 Telling Quote: "How much of the earth actually has to be destroyed before we can admit that we have a PROBLEM????" Why: Sophia sees and acknowledges problems. She will plan ahead as Kid Nation dissolves into random killings and anarchy. Her advanced age gives her a size, intelligence, and strength advantage over many of the kids. By aligning herself with one or two boys she can probably weather the storm. How: By this point it should be apparent that the harsh rule of Nathan will ultimately bring ruin to Kid Nation. The last days of the experiment will see a world in chaos. With both Markelle and Nathan dead, petty warlords will squabble over the pieces of the carcass of Kid Nation. Friend and enemy will kill each other in the streets. Food will run out and some will resort to cannibalism. Others will disappear into the wasteland, never be heard from again. Sophia, prepared for the worst, will have caches of food and water secreted throughout the town. She will inspire great loyalty in her protectors, and there is a good chance that this Götterdämmerung of Kid Nation will see them dead. Their sacrifice and Sophia's forethought will ensure that she is the one kid remaining when the bus returns to Kid Nation to collect the survivors.
My predictions could prove wrong. Nathan could be crushed beneath an oxcart before he ascends as ruler. Markelle could be poisoned by a rattlesnake as he plans the resistance from his cave stronghold. The possibility of random deaths or sudden usurpers cannot be ignored.
What can be taken as certain is that death will linger near to Kid Nation. Death, silent sentinel, his scythe ready to reap what CBS has sown.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.