Ms. Favors is a beautiful angel.Mrs. Klinger has retired and her class has moved on to bigger and better things. However, the response has been so favorable to the "Kids Say..." series that I knew I couldn't just stop and leave things there. I contacted the principal at Whitebrook Elementary and asked them if any of their other teachers would be interested in participating in my little Q&A sessions. After a couple weeks I got a call back saying a new teacher named Ms. Favors would be taking over Mrs. Klinger's class and that she had expressed a willingness to help me out.

So, without further ado and with many, many thanks to Ms. Favors for her help on this and other projects, I bring you her third grade class from Whitebrook Elementary here in Chicago.





"A coral reef."
"I expect it's about time to dust off the old Casio and put on my Mark Russell mask and straw hat to wow them with my hilarious political piano numbers. I hope there aren't any senators on my route because these are going to be scorchers!"
"I will be going as my favorite anime character if I can find the right panties."
"If there's enough sack cloth left over from meemaw's dress I reckon I'll be goin' as a ghost again, yes'm."
"I was going to cut off most of my legs and go as 3/5ths of a person."
"Insects have bones for their skin."
"I spent three years chained inside a tower in the Vatican falsely accused of demonic possession. These days I can look back at that and laugh, but it was pretty spooky at the time."
"I get a cold chill every time I read the long range projections in the housing market."
"Probably the day I saw daddy get turned into a ghost by that drunk driver. I thought I was prepared for that sort of thing, but Pac Man had done a lot of lying to me about the afterlife."
"You know those books called 'Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark' with all the creepy pictures? Well I was once beaten unconscious by a derelict wielding a copy as a bludgeon. Very spooky stuff."
"Probably the day I realized Condoleeza Rice was going to be representing black women. Have you seen her face? It's like David Letterman's death mask got hit with a mallet. They even named an oil tanker after her. What, were there no tar tankers? That's like naming a rice freighter or paper truck after a white guy. Although, I guess everything is named after white guys except Marin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard."
"Numbers are like letters but they aren't in the regular alphabet."
"A subpoena."
"Those toothbrushes that the jerk dentist gives out remind me that I lost all my adult teeth in an accident with a belt sander."
"The bank's dye pack."
"Last year the divorced dad who moved a street down from us handed out burned DVDs of he and his ex-wife having anal sex. I wouldn't mind a repeat of that this year as long as she shaves a little bit. Jesus Christ, lady, let me get you a trellis for those vines."
"I swear, if Francine Collier hands out loose ribbon candy again this year I am going to egg her back into the Stone Age."
"I hope the last thing I see is the bottom of the bag because that means I went the right direction."
"Probably at the university campus. It's only a matter of time before I knock on the right door and some kind soul smokes me up."
"Supposedly the GMs are going to be giving out awesome loot at midnight on the WoW servers."
"One second, let me check the registered sex offenders database."
“I don’t care where it is, as long as they’re handing out sacks of refined lard.”
"I'm hoping if I dress in a head-to-toe costume I can make it into one of the gated communities in the north suburbs where they hand out whole boxes of Godiva chocolates and hundred dollar bills."
"Cows trick-or-treat in a barn."
"As the holy time Samhain in Wicca, I take Halloween as an opportunity to get out of the house and back to nature to reflect on just how much I hate Wicca."
"I intend to run some serious cronjobs on my Gentoo install."
"I'm going to a haunted hayride where I expect to be ostracized by my peers inside ten minutes, at which point I will retreat to the campfire and gorge myself on smores."
"I am going to try to fit my face perfectly into a hat box."
"Hopefully they'll be showing that 'Peanuts' Halloween special, because I love nothing more than moldering intellectual property devoid of connections to reality outside of the misplaced nostalgia of a generation headed for assisted living."
"On special days I get to pick an extra crayon out of the box."
"First the left takes baby Jesus out of the manger on Christmas, then the right takes the pumpkin off the doorsteps. Why don't they just replace Jesus with a pumpkin in the manger and be done with it?"
"As the founder of our school's libertarian party I believe that people should be allowed to do whatever they want as long as they don't want to form a strong central government, build and maintain interstate highways, rely on emergency services or expect nationalized vaccine programs."
"I swear, if they make it illegal for me to dress up as a vampire I am…well, I am going to play some Bauhaus at a reasonable volume."
"Halloween is the one day of the year when people will say 'look at that hideous goblin' and they might not be referring to me. If they take Halloween from me I have nothing to live for. Except that hat box."
"I definitely think this has to be acted upon. Nothing poses a greater threat to Christ than a 'Witchy Welcome' noisemaker triggered when you enter a Hallmark store."
"I don't know what I would do if the Headless Horseman stops answering my prayers."
"We don't have any pets, but every year we gather around the photograph of my little brother and make a costume out of construction paper for him. Daniel died at four weeks and was born at eight months so he looks like congealed gravy. It makes choosing the right costume hard, but I think he's really going to love this year's scrambled eggs costume."
"My ferret Yojimbo is going to be dressed up as either a pirate or a ninja if I can get him to stop pissing all over the place and biting me long enough to get the right color of sock on him."
"My pet goldfish has a memory measured in seconds so I generally just tell him that I dressed him up as a handsome prince a couple hours ago and I think he accepts that."
"Putting clothes on a half-feral pit bull is like trying to bottle lightning: best to get someone you hate to do it. That's why I ask mom to dress Berserker up as a pumpkin every year."
"Of course. I love wasting my time and humiliating my pets."
"Last year I thought we dressed the dog as a cat for an entire week before I saw the dog and the cat in the room at the same time."
"I don't care, but I've absolutely got to know whatever happened to the Transylvania Twist!"
"Heh, monsters aren't real, little newb."
"The truth is the monster is inside us all, waiting to be released, waiting to be born from our heart of darkness."
"Wolfman, the mummy and Frankenstein and those guys can all drink some punch and get blitzed, but what about Dracula? He can drink blood but can he really party? When a dude gets drunk he has like a .04 percent blood alcohol level, so Dracula would have to drink the blood of like 200 really drunk people to get a beer's worth of alcohol. So while everyone else is having a good time and going wild Dracula has to just methodically murder 200 people over the span of the entire party just to get a tiny buzz. That's harsh, man."
"Even at the monster mash a brother can't catch a break. Do you see Candyman getting grinded on by the Bride of Frankenstein out on the dance floor? No, you see yacht club with fangs out there sipping punch with their pinkies held out."
"I hope if there is a Monster Mash they don't get too loud because I have to go to sleep by nine."

Wow, you really just never know what those darn kids will say! I hope you enjoyed their answers to my stupid questions. We'll probably be hearing more from them in the near future.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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