PEOPLE THROW AWAY FOOD! by Alex Cerbowicz
Ever get hungry? Me and mommy do sometimes. We eat mud and bad lake fish you arent supposed to eat and bugs and rats. Sometimes mommy gets noodbles from the storelords at the jewel but she is out of a job for six years and dont get no more chits so we trade sometimes for other things.
my belly is always rumbling and nancy gets sores on her face and is all pale. I didnt know what to do but then mommy found a special place. Its not too far from loopways but there is a place where the rich people in the towers put all of the things they dont eat. and they load them up in special trucks and drive them to a place behind fences and walls.
there are guards because they dont want us to go inside, but me and nancy can squeeze under the fence. Mommy holds it up and we can go in and theres all the food you could ever dream of. Jars with food and wrappers with food and bottles and cans of food. Its all just sitting out there.
I even found some plants mommy says are selleries and whole boxes of corn flakes. Sometimes the food has funny stuff on it or is dirty but you can wash it off in bad lake or one of the water pumps. Pretty soon I am going to get enough of them to trade for one of the special neat looking knives clem makes out of those eyepot things. The little computers with the glass and metal. They sharpen up really sharp.
You got to be careful going to get food though. I heard stevie my friend got bit by one of the smelly animals in there and he died from raybeans. So dont go in without a buddy.
The Tooth Fairy is Hiring! by Justice Torrence
my mommy said u get good money for tooths from a man lives in a train car on the old line called tooth fairy Two chits per gold, one per silver, and ten regular tooths for a chit. my mommy used to work for tooth fairy before stag cut off her knife hand.
mommy says her other hand is good enough for a john but cant do knifework. I dunno what that means.
my mommy says tooth fairy melts the golds and silver tooths and sells them loopways and he grinds the regulars into powders and trades them to the cookers and soupers in cantontown on bad lake
I went to tooth fairy myself with my friend Lid and tooth fairy said he got plenty of muscle to do the killin and he always needs quick little hands to take the teeth. so if you got a knife or a plier and you dont mind takin them from a dead head then you can get yourself some extra chits.
mommy knows where you can trade the chits for fun money and you can buy whatever you want and not just food with that. she buys medicine to feel better about everything she says
I want to feel better
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.