Wesley Clark is so dreamy.There's trouble in Washington. I don't want to delve too deeply into politics here but suffice it to say that we're about to hit an election year for the office of president and a large majority of Americans just aren't satisfied with our current leadership. The problem isn't really the much-maligned George W. Bush, because he can be voted out of office, the problem is who do we put into office? Most of the Democrats are pretty poor choices, and those that aren't - like the intelligent and handsome General Wesley Clark - are still only a half-assed candidate for angry conservatives who are on the brink of voting Democrat just to oust Bush. What we need is a uniter, not a divider, and ladies and gentleman it is my solemn oath to serve you as President of the United States to the best of my ability.
Campaigning to become president of the United States is basically a non-stop advertisement for one product. I intend to shake things up in the campaign by transforming it from a hyper spin zone and bragging festival into a hostage situation. I have promises and demands. If you meet my demands, I'll keep my campaign promises. If you fail me then I will keep fewer and fewer of my promises until you're left wishing for George W. Bush strapped to Gerald Ford wrapped in a Jimmy Carter tortilla. Without me to run this ship the whole country will turn into a giant line of people waiting to buy gasoline at thirty dollars a gallon while being harassed by incessant terrorist attacks. Endangered species will fall from the sky like raindrops and even the ones than can fly will have concrete blocks tied to their feet so they fall too. They won't just hit the ground either, they'll all land in a giant furnace that will cremate them and then spew acid rain out of the top. Sounds great doesn't it? Just wait until you fail to meet the last of my demands and I decide to unilaterally declare war on the United States.
The entire Defense Department will literally die from confusion and the Coast Guard will end up trying to interdict the US Navy's drug-running aircraft carriers. Meanwhile I'll be counting my billions of newly minted US dollars each designed around a particular legend of the WWF. Rappers will write songs about Hulk Hogan, and I don't mean rapper Macho Man.
That hellscape can be yours, or you can play it smart and choose to meet all of my demands and live in total paradise.
Here are my demands, you have 48 hours:
Secret Service agent Destiny poses for the camera. The White House will be renamed to The Whitest House and will have a tower on top made out of the lacquered corpses of white power groups. At the top of the tower will be an anti-aircraft gun manned by chimpanzees that fires lemons instead of explosive rounds. You will tolerate the lemons when visiting The Whitest House or you will die trying.
My friends can call me President Parsons, for everyone else my job title is "Commander King". The proper form of greeting will be to kneel and salute simultaneously and address me as "Sir My Liege".
Secret Service must be staffed only with extremely hot women. Vinyl bodysuits mandatory dress code. Nebulous Eastern European accents a big plus.
Office of Vice President replaced with Office of Hunter/Killer Spider Robot. Not surprisingly I nominate Arachnodroid Mark I to run with me on my ticket.
I am the defacto Dungeon Master of all games of "Dungeons and Dragons" taking place in federally funded facilities. If I wander into a library and find you and your nerd friends playing don't be surprised when I step in and insist the entire party plays this awesome "Dragonball Z"/"Forgotten Realms" crossover I was running with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Quiznos to cater all state functions.
Any diplomatic meetings will be conducted on a specially modified aircraft carrier with a Go-Cart track on the deck. The SS Go-For-It will sail out into neutral international waters during any diplomatic functions, all aboard will strip naked and do coke until their nose bleeds, and then myself and any other heads of state present will race around the track to decide who wins the diplomacy. We will be accompanied at all times by a destroyer equipped with the largest stereo system ever made and about five hundred bass tapes.
During touchy negotiations or armistice signings any delegates of the United States will be accompanied by our mascot Nukiee and the Ground Zero Girlz - our diplomatic dance team.
Some McDonald's coupons would be nice.
Take it or leave it. You know we're all up shit creek without a turd propeller if we stick with what we've got. But I'm not all just take, take, take, I also have a giving side and I am willing to make a number of solemn and clear promises and stances on hot-button political issues.
Our military will be even more unstoppable.Abortion: Fetuses have the same rights as human beings; to be launched out of a cannon and into the sun at my whim.
Military Spending: We can save a lot of money on military spending if we combine all branches of the military into a new group called "The Horde". Every member will wear black cloaks and maybe night vision goggles or something cool, like welding goggles or those Kaiser helmets with the spikes on top. Teach our soldiers how to shoot lasers out of their eyes so we stop wasting so much goddamn money on bullets. Jesus, did you see all those fucking bombs we dropped on Iraq? It would have been cheaper to just fly overhead with cargo planes and crush the entire city under gold bricks.
Space Exploration: We will blow up any planet that gets in our way in the long journey to landing a man on the surface of the sun.
The Environment: Famed master painter Thomas Kinkade will be paid to travel around the world painting pictures of every beautiful sight and animal he can find. When he's done - and I'm only budgeting for about 50 paintings - we'll hang all of the pictures in a museum and then bulldoze the planet to make room for a Wal-Mart parking lot. When that's done we'll bulldoze the museum because I fucking hate Thomas Kinkade."Nature" circa 2007.Foreign Relations: Mexico will be annexed and renamed "Spring Break". Canada will be annexed and renamed "Lidsville" and all Canadians will wear anthropomorphic hat suits. Failure to do so will result in immediate immolation by eye-laser. The UK will be made a state -maybe like East Virginia or something - we'll just let Germany have France because we know they've got their eye on it. We'll make all of the Mid-East a giant state too and call it New Kentucky and then we'll make fun of how backwards it is there until they threaten to secede and then we'll remind them about the eye-lasers by killing most of them with eye-lasers. Russia will go back to being Communist because China just isn't as cool and menacing of a counterbalance to the shining light of the United States.
Science Funding: Science is very important. Without science we wouldn't have things like Japanese porno DVDs, kidney medicine for cats, or those chairs that fold up into a tube. I propose increasing science spending until we reach the point where we have giant ants and they build cars for us.
Alternative Energy: We are too beholden to the Mid-East and OPEC for our own good. In place of oil I will ensure that the United States draws on untapped reserves of its most plentiful natural resource; giant American flags. Homes will be heated by freedom.
Medicare: Medicare will only pay for plastic surgery and addictive pain killer prescriptions. Half of America may be rotting on the inside from cancer and substance abuse but they will be doped to the gills and hot as fuck.
Social Security: I promise to ensure that Social Security remains solvent for the next three hundred years by having jets drop napalm on nursing homes and deploying our stockpiles of nerve gas to Florida.Really, I tried to rhyme "Zack" with "like" and this was the best I could come up with.Funding of the Arts: Funding of the arts will be awarded based on whether or not a proposal can make the grant committee vomit. Expect a rise in abstract sculpture made from rotting corpses and paintings done entirely in pus and excrement.
Religion: All religions will be outlawed in the United States until such a time as practitioners agree to merge with at least one opposing religion to create quasi-futuristic new religions like Hindianity, Uniterislamic, and Mormontology. All schools will be razed and rebuilt in the shape of the Virgin Mary's intact hymen and the walls will be painted with the Ten Commandments filtered using Altavista's Babelfish to Japanese and then back to English.2nd order; Poem 4-6: " Because it does not make in the thee which thing the image, there is a similar graven, or on whether, or whether in the heaven in the earth under the earth it is under in the water, there is a shalt of the Thou. Those functioning it does the bow thyself which does not have to those of the shalt of the Thou,: Because of the I main thy God AM irregularities of jealous God and father thing hatred my those in 3rd and 4th formation are visited in the child. And love me, with my order. In thing many those which " are maintained shewing mercyEducation: Our children are our future and that's why we must teach them cryptology using modern cryptanalysis computers instead of the current captured Nazi Enigma machines our underfunded schools are forced to use. One half of the day will be devoted to cracking cyphers and the other half will be devoted to learning the Navajo language. Maybe some math or something too, like multiplication. Yeah, that comes in pretty handy sometimes. I will pay for this valuable overhaul to the education system by having all children attend "night labs" about "geology" inside "coal learning facilities".
Welfare: To satisfy both conservatives and liberals exactly one half of the poor will be provided with huge amounts of money based entirely on the number of children they can spit out, while the other half will be forced to work as slave labor for corporations like "Acid Mine and Sons" and "Dangerous Explosive Biting Factory Incorporated". Orphan children will be sold to wealthy Japanese businessmen to pay for other orphans to eat caviar and truffles.
Homeland Security: All employees of the Department of Homeland Security will be fired and the entire annual budget will go to building a mile tall statue of me with glowing red eyes as big as those huge dump trucks in Jackie Chan movies. The statue's head will constantly rotate and say in a booming voice that causes windows to shatter for hundreds of miles "I see you. Don't do that. I see you. Don't do that." Citizens will be encouraged to report their neighbors for looking "suspiciously fat" or "dangerously unkempt."
Gay Marriage: Gay marriage will be federally recognized but only for heterosexual same-sex couples. Gay couples who try to get married will be given a hunting license instead.
The War on Drugs: I will devote all of the current budget for fighting illegal drug trafficking to actually blowing up drugs. Eventually there will be so many tons of narcotics thrown up into the atmosphere by explosions that every person will walk around slightly high at all times. Eventually a layer of mixed drug gasses will form in the upper atmosphere called the Chongosphere and all sunlight filtering through it will taste like red.
Violence in the Media: Violence will be heavily curtailed and censored, but in its place will be a lot of footage of people having sex while screaming "fuck" over and over.
Gun Control: Guns will be totally outlawed but everyone will be allowed to own as many attack helicopters as they would like to purchase. That's assuming that the helicopters are equipped only with anti-tank missiles and crossbows.
Immigration: Whenever ten people cross the border to enter the United States they will be brought to the Immigration Square Dance Center. There they will participate in a cake walk. One person is sent back to their nation of origin with a delicious cake and the other nine are permitted full US citizenship.
I think the choice is clear. Vote for me. Vote for change.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
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