Greetings and salutations ladies and feminine gentlemen of the online world! Welcome to another Saturday update by the Internet’s Frolixo. Winter is almost over my friends, and boy am I glad! Not that I don't like slipping on ice every morning, which leaves me prone for plow trucks that like to shovel me into snow banks, but it's starting to get old. In a month or so, it will start to warm up so we will be free to romp outdoors once again. This also means that camping season is about to start. Now, I know when you computer nerds hear the word "camping", you start sweating and have to take your panic attack medicine, but I'm here to show you that it can be fun and relaxing, even to physical rejects such as yourselves. So, I implore you to join me in a grand adventure that will undoubtedly leave you lost in the woods eating your companions. Please do not skim this article just reading the captions under the pictures, because there's going to be a pop quiz later on. Let us begin with a little history of this great pastime we call camping.
Often called “camping”, camping was invented in 1105 by a French monk named "Coleman" who one day got really sick of his constantly nagging wife and sat in the woods for the weekend. It caught on all over the globe, soon spreading to England, Spain, Germany, and America. Men everywhere fled their sass-mouthed wives, hiding in the wild under bark and dirt. Some loathed their wives so much that they never returned home and became the first mountain men. Many great men throughout history enjoyed camping, such as: Abraham Lincoln, who had a really ugly wife; Teddy Roosevelt, whose wife wouldn't leave him alone about cleaning the garage; and Jesus, who didn't have a wife, but liked to go camping for 40 days at a time and talk to a chipmunk he called "God". But it was around the 1960's in America when camping became a family event. White families everywhere would flee the urban types burning the cities down, returning after the hoses and dogs had been unleashed. Despite the newest generation's penance for ankle weakness, and their inability to leave the house without clown white on their faces, camping is still growing in popularity. To make way for the new camping megastores needed to supply the populace, large tracts of forest had to be torn down and their resident creatures placed in death camps. These megastores offer a full line of crap that you will need to survive in the wild. Hope you brought your credit card - credit card of fun that is!
Bring a gun to protect yourself from goblins.
If you were a turtle, then the camping backpack would be your shell. If you are a turtle, then log off the Internet and go back to the swamp where you belong. The backpack is your "house" that you carry all supplies in. There are two kinds of backpacks: internal frame and external frame. I forget what the difference is, but I think it has to do with the frames. Backpack size also varies. If you are going to be outdoors for over a week, then get one big enough to hold 4 small Indian children. If outdoors only for a few days, a bag that can hold 2 ½ Indian children should suffice. When shopping in a camping store, do not listen to the salesperson that claims they are trying to help you. Camping salespeople are terrible heathens and like to pester and trick you constantly. Take my advice, NEVER turn your back on a salesperson to inspect a piece of equipment. They’ll knock you out with a pipe and rape you.
This is your only protection from the elements, so you want to make sure you have a good one. Tents are broken down into seasons, such at 2, 3, and 4 season. If you are planning to escape your wife during the winter months, you want to make sure that you have a 4 season. Tents also vary in size. From small one-person bibby tents, to 12 person Caligula-style orgy tents, the store should have everything to suit your needs. But whatever you do, don't go in one of the display tents. The salespeople like to trap customers in these tents and throw them from moving trucks into rush hour traffic.
A sleeping bag is designed to enclose the camper, adding warmth and padding to an outdoor sleep experience. Once fully encased with just your head popping out, you should feel very comfortable and will look like a tasty burrito to any passing bears. There are three types of filling for sleeping bags: down filling, made from feathers; synthetic fiber, made from crushed baby skulls; and crème filling, not unlike the tasty goodness that Twinkies are filled with. It is advisable not to try out the sleeping bags in the store, as the salesperson might start hitting you with an aluminum bat while you are immobilized. Salespeople are the worst humans ever, even worse than the Nazis.In the Destroyed Village, a good place to camp is behind the wall
There are dozens of smaller things one must be sure to have with them when going camping. I haven't gone camping in like, a long time, so I'll just name the stuff I can think of. You will need plenty of food on the trip. Science these days has created dehydrated meals that only need hot water added to them to become a nutritional bag of swill. It's also a good idea to bring boots because if you try to go in flip-flops, you won't get very far (trust me). Pack an axe with you just in case you run into any aggressive trees. If a tree's branches start to sway, this means it's about to attack and needs to be cut down. The park ranger didn't agree with my theory when he stopped me after I cut down a couple dozen hostile trees, and claimed it was just the "wind" moving the branches. Let’s just say that park ranger doesn't disagree with me anymore. Permanently. (We smoked a doob and he subscribed to my "far out" ideas. He was cool.)
Now that you are suited up like an outdoor samurai, it’s time to learn about what you will be interacting with out there in the wild. Animals and insects get really pissy when you tromp into their territory wearing your fanny packs and Mickey Mouse ears, while blasting Van Halen from a boom box and emitting a whirlwind of Mars Bars wrappers behind you. I think it has to do with our pheromones. So, in order to live side by side in harmony with the creatures of the forest, we should educate ourselves about them. You could try to educate the animals about us, but have you ever tried to keep a half dozen squirrels sitting in their desks during acorn season? I have and let me tell you, I ended up nailing them to the goddamn floor just to get to Chapter Two. So, let’s take a peek at some of the life forms you will be encountering during your camping adventures.
There’s only one good way to cook a brace of coneys. These furry little guys hop and frolic to and fro around the countryside in a carefree manner. If you are out in the forest, you are sure to encounter them since they are plentiful in number. However, they do tend to cause trouble in the campsite like chewing on tent cords, stealing firewood, and planning attacks when they ally with the aggressive trees. I’ve never seen them do these things, but I can tell they're plotting against me just like the others. That’s why it’s a good idea to kill any rabbit you see, just to play it on the safe side.Taunting bears with bags of food will let them know who the master is.
Bears are basically the same as teddy bears, but instead of being huggable and lovable, they like to rip your head off with their huge paws and gnaw on your face. These creatures are known as the “king of the forest”, and are very territorial. There are some basic rules on what to do if you encounter a bear on your travels. Chances are that the bear can smell you before you even see him, so there is no sneaking around him. You must show the bear you are not afraid and throw stones at its head. When you hit it in the head with a stone, there is a chance that it’ll get super angry and charge. When this happens, run for your life. If you are a smoker, then just lie down and accept your death. If you see some cubs, then you can probably take them out since they're smaller than you. Hit them with big sticks until you knock them out and then look for their treasure trove of honey. (Bears love honey.)The wild Ben "Greasnin" Platt. Worst animal ever.
Ben “Greasnin” Platt
This frisky little fellow is naturally from the dark woods of Prussia, but stole away on a Polish boat headed to America. Since its passage to the new world, this species of beast has multiplied by the thousands and are mostly found around the New England area, or wherever nuts and berries are plentiful. Often called “nature’s little princess”, they forage for food during the warm seasons and hibernate in small ill-lit apartments playing Halo during the winter seasons. There is a rumor that one learned how to read and write, and walks among us, acting like real people.
Is love against the law? Am I a criminal just because I listen to my heart? Who is the government to say how to express my love? I am continually being persecuted by the powers that be and PETA that my passion is "illegal" and "immoral". Is going to a bar and picking up a drunken floozy any less immoral than what I do? They will never take her away from me! We plan to marry in June.
Bugs are gross! Make sure you bring some spray or something because bugs really suck. The best time to go camping is early spring or late fall because of the lack of bugs. Once I was camping in Canada during mid-summer, and the horseflies were so big that they devoured my traveling companion while he was taking a nap. Spiders are also a big hassle. Be prepared to have a nest of these creepy crawlers implanted in your ear cavity if you happen to fall asleep outside. To prevent this, I recommend not falling asleep at all while camping.If you see a C.H.U.D, give up and embrace sweet swampy death.
I’m not going to even get into the wood C.H.U.D.s. If you see one of these, it’s already too late for you.
Nature sure seems dangerous, but just remember that as long as you have no fear, you won't even know what hit you. Now that you have all your equipment and some information on a few of the creatures you will encounter, it’s time for you to leave the confines of your smelly monkey cage, and get into the crisp cool air of the outdoors. Are you ready???
Too bad, you’ll have to wait until next week. Go back to playing 1942, eating microwaved White Castles, and writing your Harry Potter fan fiction. Next Saturday we shall continue our rugged outdoor rabblerousing adventure that will probably leave you trapped under a log, chewing your own leg off in desperation. Toodles motherfuckers!
Og Day Afternoon
I found the phrase "Og Day Afternoon" so clever that I used it both here and in this week's State Og update itself, for I have no shame. Of course, seeing the phrase "no shame" should immediately bring you to the conclusion that this is Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell, your State Og representative. This week marks the return of an old friend to State Og, who comes to us now at the turn of the tide:
Burt's Safety Plan #2
"If you get stuck in a trash compactor which is slowly closing in on you, be sure to have a fiesty droid nearby who can shut it off at the last second and save you. If for some reason you have no droid, try to be made entirely of gas, because gas cannot (AS FAR AS I KNOW) be crushed."
If you look close enough, you'll even spot some references to the computer game Freelancer, because I am a geek of fantastically retarded proportions. Focus all of your will into controlling that mouse, and click here to check out this week's State Og! Wait, did you actually just miss clicking that link, after focusing and everything? Christ, I won't tell anyone, but do it right this time and click this one before everyone notices.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.