Well, well, well look who is allowed to call people gay names. But I’m not doing it because they don’t allow free speech on this blog and I am a good person who doesn’t mean anything racist or anti-gay. Anyway even though I tricked eric trump into drinking piss and even though I endorsed the mormon special ops walnut and he couldn’t even win Utah, I am somehow now getting a job in DONALD TRUMP administration.
I think it’s a fuckup because of the time I put on a shink costume and bid 875 million dollars for a date with Tiffany Trump bidding against Ben Stein who bid 900 dollars and then it turned out I actually bought her from DONALD TRUMP and I don’t have a backyard for her or anything I live in a trailer and we are not allowed to have pets bigger than 100 pounds on the lease so I had to rent a prom limousine and drive her out to the desert in Arizona and hire a coyote to smuggle her to Guatemala. Last I heard she drives a moped and assassinates local politicians for a right wing paramilitary group MIEDO BLANCO so I’m glad she found her niche.
Anyway you gotta trust me that is a lot of shit to take care of in a couple months so I haven’t been posting updates on the transition. But anyway even though I never paid up for tiffany I somehow got left on the raffle to win a cabinet job. Ivanka drew my name and I spun the wheel in the oval office and I ended up getting to be deputy energy secretary.
I don’t really need a job because I’m on disability right now for fucking up my ankles jumping off the scissor lift at pepboys but apparently if I get confirmed this pays like way more than the 19K a year I am making now.
So the first step is I guess Rick Perry is my boss and he has to get confirmed? I don’t know, that guy can’t even read the covers of DVDs. When I was covering him on the campaign he had to ask me to read the covers of his movies and tell him which one was Austin Powers Spy Who Shagged me and he didn’t even own that movie so I put on Seabiscuit and he sat there and watched the whole movie and just kept saying “Yeaaah baby! Yeaaah!”
I was like confirmation in the senate? This bitch can’t confirm a hotel reservation with the trivago guy hand-over-hand using his mouse for him. So I had to make up a bunch of flashcards about the energy department. They were just real basic things like
And before you call me racist you piece of shit that is actually what Rick Perry’s ranch was called until they changed it to an acceptable racist name and it is now called DEATH TO ISLAM RANCH. Anyway, we’ll see how that hearing goes. They should go easy on him because he is retardedly abled.
I am prepped for my own hearing. Gonna get confirmed like a hustler. I memorized all the batteries like A batteries, AA batteries, AAA batteries and B Batteries. Chuck Shoober isn’t going to trip me up because I know there aren’t AAAA batteries. I know that we get our energy in America mainly from calories and that you need to eat at least 2,000 per day to light your house. I still have the Christmas lights up at my trailer so I eat three papa johnses every day. I weigh almost 300 pounds right now but the juice hasn’t gone out during Outlanders or Gotham now has it Sunny? Huh?
Who needs to be a “real provider” now Sunny? I am in DC getting ready to testify in the building where Abraham Lincolns dick bone is kept in a drawer and what are you doing? I'm sorry baby I'm all tensed up because you haven't been around to pOwn my dick with your clit/brown/taint-area
Oh also there are special small batteries for lowlight goggles I remember that from playing Rainbow-6 which is what we used to call it when we would take the big six drugs, put on lowlight goggles and try to shoot each other with paintball guns loaded with liquid ass balls. I’m going to bring up the liquid ass paintballs in my hearing because America needs to know about liquid ass disease. Apparently we shot my friend Bodie with those so many times in the face that he could only smell and taste chemical farting agent. That’s what the doctor said and they should no longer sell liquid ass in paintballs to people who have multiple felonies for operating a logging machine in an urban area while under the influence of ketamine.
I haven’t been in DC very long, just hanging out with Rick Perry pretty much, but I did get to meet Steve Banson. He is like the dude who hangs out with DONALD TRUMP and tells him who should be outlawed. I saw the whiteboard and in his office and I don’t know what a Jazz Arab is but they are next on the list. I got to meet him though and the dude has a cold wet handshake. Like squeezing a used latex glove after helping a horse give birth. He told me all I had to do to get by in DC these days is wear his special amulet he gave me. It’s weird, sometimes when I wear it to bed I wake up with dirt all over my feet and scratches on my hands, but I’ve been lucky so far.
I’m not really sure what I’m doing here in Washington but I plan to Make America Okay to Call People NON-PC names again.
Gentle creature Mark Zuckerberg informs you that he enjoys his dog and wife the normal human amount. That he has a plan. That he will be Gentle Leader.
Afraid of ideas and free speech? Well then you better not read this article, coward.
Candles scented like Destiny planets - increases KDR by 26%!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.