The Iroquois believe that before man walked the earth there was a great tribe of sky people who lived without worry or pain on a floating island. One day Sky Woman became pregnant with twins and was pushed by her murderous husband from their happy island home. Instead of plummeting to her death she was caught by birds and carried to safety. There was no land for her so they sprinkled earth on the back of a turtle and placed Sky Woman there.
Sky Woman gave birth to two healthy boys. She named her first son Sapling and he made all that is good and right in the world. He made the trees green and heavy with fruit. He made the waters cool and potable and he filled them up with a bounty of fish. Sky Woman's other son represented all that was dark in the world. He made the rivers flow away and turned the fruit to rot. He salted the earth where he walked and burned the forests to ash. He was the unmaker, the despoiler, the scourge and bane. He was Wink Martindale and Wink Martindale he remains. He'd like two of the Lucky Millions scratch-offs, please.
Wink Martindale is going to climb Everest just to steal George Mallory's corpse. Wink Martindale watches NASCAR for the crashes. Wink Martindale forgot to leave off the pickles and he has hidden the complaint box. Wink Martindale is a first responder. He's going to press his ear to your face and listen to your eyes glaze over. Wink Martindale is going to taste your tears.
When the tempest crashes against the lighthouse and the beacon leads the ships aground, Wink Martindale will be there riding on his trusty octopus Mephisto. Wink Martindale is preoccupied with knitting. Wink Martindale can fly but he prefers to travel as an airborne pathogen from host to host. Wink Martindale is mutating the avian flu because he likes chickens better than you. Wink Martindale loves kudzu, enough to marry it.
There are only two certain things in life: death and Wink Martindale, taxes can take a hike. Wink Martindale invented hide and seek to lure unattended children into abandoned refrigerators. Wink Martindale wore a yarmulke when he traveled through time and beat up teenage Hitler. Wink Martindale is digging up a pet cemetery and calling UPS with your address. The Chinese keep crickets as pets and Wink Martindale keeps the Chinese as pets. Wink Martindale has forbidden dancing on the weekend. Wink Martindale is anaerobic.
Wink Martindale is running a fraudulent cancer wig program to make sweaters for rich German eccentrics. Wink Martindale is using Comic Sans. Wink Martindale is opening the attachment. Wink Martindale is entrusting a Nigerian with your banking information. Wink Martindale just said "LOL" out loud just because he knows you hate it. Wink Martindale is framing an expired gift certificate from Burger King. Wink Martindale just blamed it on the dog.
Wink Martindale is commissioning a portrait of Michael Moore. Wink Martindale believes everything Michael Savage says. Wink Martindale just drove past Camp Casey and splashed mud on a widow. Wink Martindale is sewing dolphin fins to amputees at Walter Reed. Don't blame Wink Martindale, he voted for LaRouche. Wink Martindale's car is made entirely out of magnetic ribbons. Wink Martindale supports the troops but not the war. Wink Martindale is issuing a fatwah.
We would all die alone if it weren't for Wink Martindale. Wink Martindale is rowing you across the River of Death on your journey to the Kingdom of the West. Wink Martindale is weighing your heart in the Hall of Osiris. Wink Martindale knows a shortcut across the Lake of Fire. Wink Martindale isn't telling. Wink Martindale will be confronting his baby mama on Jerry Springer. Wink Martindale just threw a baseball game because a terminally ill kid's final wish was that he win. Wink Martindale is turning state's evidence.
When Wink Martindale made girls he put in sugar, spice and about three inches of his penis. Wink Martindale has to inform the whole neighborhood. Wink Martindale is not permitted to live within 500 meters of a uranium centrifugal isotope sluice. Wink Martindale is selling loose nukes to Syria. Wink Martindale just bought up the world's stockpile of tungsten. He's building something, but no one is sure what.
Wink Martindale is the sole financier of the hemp lobby. Wink Martindale knows his rope. Wink Martindale is handing out the brown acid. Wink Martindale is having an old-fashioned freak out. Do you want to see the inside of Wink Martindale's van?
When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when you're feeling sad, you simply remember your favorite things and Wink Martindale will pluck those thoughts from your mind and steal away the last of your joy. Many machines on Wink Martindale, new machines, better than those on Press Your Luck. Wink Martindale is losing your packets. Wink Martindale is disrupting your connection to the server. Wink Martindale is playing Yakkety Sax on Team Speak. Wink Martindale won't allow you to resume your download. Wink Martindale is 19/f/ca. Wink Martindale the man now dog.
Behind the black door he toils and works. Flashes of welding and mechanical jerks. Ozone stink fills the hall and pounding hammers shake the wall. The loops of cable spill out like hair but no one knows what he's building in there. One day the door is open, the serpents come and the seals are broken. He has fused himself to his creation. The rising tide of blood drowns the coast and the skies are filled with fire. Wink Martindale rises up on three mechanical legs and howls at the coruscating light that burns down the stars. He is god and betrayer, the unmaker, the despoiler, the scourge and bane. He is the end and the beginning and he is looking for a great deal on rust proofing.
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
Should you call someone a Nazi? The answer will surprise you.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.