I have forgotten all of the special deals that we are supposed to offer customers at the time of purchase. Also I just found out I was adopted. Help!

If William Randolph Hearst was still alive, he'd be all "Hell yeahhh!" Well Sally, coping with adoption is a personal matter that will probably lead you down a path where you will date men who, in a creative twist, find ways to push you up the stairs. But your abandonment issues are no concern of GameStop Inc. and its parent company, Nazi Memorabilia Restoration Enterprises.

The traditional checking out process takes an average of 27 minutes and should apply to everyone, even 5 year-olds with no discernable income source other than their parents who have clearly abandoned them. It consists of the following steps:

Greet customer.
Engage in small talk about either Aerith or Cloud (ex. "When Aerith died in Final Fantasy VII, from my sobbing I finally knew for sure that I wasn't a homosexual.")
If knives or small handguns are drawn (9mm or less), switch to talking about the lowest common denominators of gaming, Madden and Halo (ex."Man this one time my dude exploded in (Madden/Halo) and I was all, 'Fucking tight, yo!'").
Now that they are on your side, tell them no bowel movement is complete without a subscription to Game Informer sending new reading material into their bathrooms every month.
Ask them if they would like to reserve a sequel, or a similar type of game (ex. "I see you are buying Kingdom Hearts 2, would you like to pre-order Square's Broken Piece of Distended Rectum III Featuring Cait Sith?).
Offer GameGuard™ the insurance plan that only covers damage the game may receive on the car ride home.
If GameGuard™ is refused, be a total presumptuous prick about how the customer may treat their games (ex. "Hmm you never know, the next time you get into a knife fight with your Bolivian landlord over who's getting the money for your sister's last trick, that pack of pit bulls you keep in your meth lab might get out and totally scratch up your game.").
Offer BagGuard™, our lifetime bag replacement plan (first month: $19.99).
Suggest that the customer buy the strategy guide, and if one does not exist, quickly scrawl a map on the back of receipt paper with the words "God Mode" above it and sell this for $4.99.
If customer refuses all offers, treat him or her like they have just taken a shit right on the counter (especially if they have) and make it clear that their behavior of coming into a store just to buy something will not be tolerated.

I originally took this job out of my love of video games. I am interested in the employee benefits of GameStop. Help!

Oh, Tommy. Poor, innocent Tommy. What enthusiasm you have for video games will be replaced by violent bile-producing contempt within the first two weeks of your employment. But in case you are interested in any kind of employee discount before the word "Mario" causes you to soil yourself, we regret to inform you that employee benefits have been eliminated from GameStop. A team of statisticians discovered that making our employees feel appreciated accounted for a .0002% loss in the third quarter of 1998, and this can not happen again. To avoid another massive loss, and to increase blind loyalty, we've decided to treat our employees the same way we treat our customers: like utter shit. Because of this, the next time a customer says "I bet you guys get to play video games all day!" you will be too much of a beaten-down coward to attempt suicide. Really, it's for your own good.

In summation, thank you for choosing GameStop as your place of employment. Despite the appallingly low wages, lack of benefits, and corporate propaganda you must suffer through, just remember this: you are the envy of nerds everywhere. If you're not a virgin, though, you've already won their respect. But if you've had sex, what the fuck are you doing here?

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

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