Love Potion #5 - The Stop Asking Questions Potion
Purpose: If your girlfriend/wife/uncharacteristically chatty male companion can't help but volley 5 questions at you for every answer you provide, mix some of this tonic into subject's drink at dinner. Once Love Potion #5 is administered, she won't even speak to you, let alone drill you about the phone call you just received from your pal Greg.
Ingredients: 5 cups of chili beans, 5 ounces of Novacaine, 3 pounds of wet cement, and 7-8 chopped avocados/peanuts/shellfish (depending on what she is most allergic to.)
Directions: Pour ingredients in mixing container. Shake vigorously until the potion achieves a sticky, muddy consistency. Best mixed with red wine or scotch.
Side effects: Swollen cheeks, swollen throat, swollen neck, numb lower jaw, dysphoria, dyslexia, permanent speaking problems, inability to separate lower jaw from upper jaw (forever), desire to spend days watching black-and-white cartoons.
Love Potion #66 - Hipster Girlfriend Reformation Potion *Warning: Highly Addictive*
Purpose: Hipsterism is an epidemic these days. It's a horrific lifestyle. And it's begun to spill over into people's relationships. Men wake up after 3 or 4 years in the same relationship and realize their girlfriends are rocking New Balance sneakers and turtleneck sweaters... in bed. They do things like listen to Sigor Ros and Imogen Heap, turn vegan, and play Wii Bowling ironically. Trying to pull someone away from the clutches of Hipsterism will only backfire. The key? GIVE THEM MORE HIPSTER THAN THEY CAN HANDLE.
Ingredients: 9 gallons of Vincent Gallo's semen, 1 picture of Morrissey having sexual intercourse (ground into small bits), Ethiopian coffee beans, 1 cup of Gouda (optional).
Directions: Bring a pot of cat urine to a slow, steady boil. Drop in the Gallo juice and wilt it. After 45 minutes, let it chill until it becomes the texture of crude tapioca pudding. Garnish with Morrissey's photo and coffee beans. Serve on Vietnamese spring rolls.
Side effects: Extreme self-deprecation, lethargy, constricted pupils, craving for John Grisham books, homophobia, the desire to perform dead-lifts and squats at the gym.
Love Potion #003 - Penis Enlargement Potion
Purpose: Sometimes pillow talk goes a little too far. You and the woman of your dreams are laying in bed, snuggling after a hot session of coitus, discussing, with great respect for each other, your sex life. She remarks with a giggle, "Oh, you're so sweet. I love looking at your pretty eyes when you're making love to me." You respond "You make the most delightful sounds when we engage in sex. I love you so much." These kinds of sweet sentiments are intertwined and knotted into a beautiful bow of harmony and love. However, women have the tendency to get a little too comfortable with their men during such exchanges, and they don't consider the consequences when they speak without thinking. Something like this may spill out of her mouth: "Your penis size is average. I've had bigger. My ex-boyfriend Tyler was very well-endowed, for example. Why would that matter to you, though? I still love you." In this situation, there is only 1 remedy -- Love Potion #003.
Ingredients: 6 individual hair follicles from an Andes mountain warrior chief, 10 turquoise feathers of a peacock from Madagascar, lapis lazuli rocks, hand lotion.
Directions: Place all ingredients on a canvas blanket and let the mixture sit in the sun for 4 hours. After the materials are warm and slightly toasted, take a hammer and crush into fine powder. Mix powder into bottle of hand lotion and shake vigorously. Tell your girlfriend you would like to make sweet love to her and discuss marriage afterward (this will entice her to comply). Once she is in the bedroom waiting for your initiation, squirt lotion on your hand and slowly lather it upon your penis. Within 5-10 minutes your entire physical structure will transform into that of a Chinese Water Buffalo with an extremely large erection. The typical buffalo's standard erection will last anywhere from 5-10 minutes. It is recommended that you engage in sex with your partner in this window of time. Powerful thrusts and strange whinnies are recommended. It is recommended you cease operations if she complains of being unable to breathe underneath your 1200-pound frame.
Side effects: Permanent damage to partner's vaginal tissue, inability to fit in vehicle or through doorways, abnormally large bowel movements, extinction.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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