Love Potion #1926 - The Public Display of Disaffection Potion

Purpose: Your boyfriend has a tendency to make out with you while you're waiting in line for the movies. He slobbers warm, gooey spit all over your neck and cheeks at the T.G.I. Friday's. You are not a voyeuristic person by any means, so why won't he stop? You are tired of his insatiable thirst for an emotional donkey show every time you go out in public. Apply this ointment to your skin, and he may never touch you in public again.

Ingredients: The sphincter of an Alaskan Malamute (aged 9 years or older), 11 live maggots, a 2 -liter bottle of room-temperature creek water, magnesium sulfate.

Directions: Take a paring knife and cut the sphincter open vertically. Depending on the dog's sexual preference, there will possibly be a thin layer of protective mucus covering the first 6-10 inches of the sphincter. It is very important that you remove this mucus with magnesium sulfate solution, or else extreme side effects can occur, such as night terrors or gooseflesh. Soak sphincter in creek water for 6-8 months, until it dissolves into a murky powder. Proceed to soak your planned date outfit in the mixture overnight. Apply clothing to yourself no longer than 30 minutes before the date is initiated. It is recommended you block the air passages to both of your nostrils with chunks of sponge, or violent vomiting will occur before the potion is able to insinuate. Strategically place maggots on your potion-soaked clothing. Discard maggots if they are not speedily crawling across your body in a visible fashion.

Side effects: Nausea, anorexia, auditory hallucinations.

Note: If thoughts of suicide last longer than 24 hours, discontinue use of potion.

Love Potion #88 - How Much Do You Love Me? Potion *Warning Highly Addictive*

Purpose: At times, our partners tend to display streaks of fierce independence and disinterest in us. "No, I don't think I want to see you tonight." or "I'm busy. Maybe we could get together sometime this week" are common phrases that are used to dismiss our advances. This gets very frustrating. All you want is someone to love you for you, right? Someone who will drop to their knees in public and perform fellatio at the snap of your finger, right? Passionate romantics simply need validation and love. We don't need our love interests to ensconce themselves in their own private, happy paradises without us, right? This potion will have your love interest magnetized to you, and willing to do anything for you without question.

Ingredients: Cocaine hydrochloride, baking soda, ice-cold water, spoon, lighter, glass pipe.

Directions: Mix 2 parts of cocaine hydrochloride with 1 part baking soda in the spoon. Heat solution gently with lighter until mixture forms a hardened white compound. Take pieces of compound, place in glass pipe, and encourage your lover to inhale while compound is lit. They will feel an intense amount of euphoria for 7-15 minutes after smoke saturates their lungs. When they ask for another toot of your "special love recipe," insist that they rub your back, do your laundry, pay your bills for you out of romance, etc. It is highly recommended that you do not run out of this substance. After months of dependence on potion, your lover's desire to accommodate you will greatly increase under the condition that you make hardened compound found in Love Potion #88 readily available to him or her.

Side effects: Lover may become intensely violent and aggressive due to desire for more potion, lover may lose teeth in multiples, lover may hallucinate the sight of insects on his/her skin, lover may refer to him/herself as "Pookie."


Special Potion Blends Guide

Purpose: Many relationships are plagued with multiple symptoms aforementioned in this recipe guide. In this case, we recommend these special blends.

How Much Do You Love Vincent Gallo? Potion: Replace cocaine hydrochloride ingredient from Potion #88 with Vincent Gallo's semen ingredient from Potion #66. Process the solution using the exact same steps, except this smokable compound will be based with Vincent Gallo's semen. Upon smoking it, your lover will violently insist she perform oral sex on you while being filmed with a 16 mm camera.

Uncle Mike's Ultimate Mix: Make 1 serving of each potion mentioned in this guide, and mix them all in an empty beer bottle. Drink the crude substance that forms, then smoke all particles left over in bottle after allowing sediments to dry for 30 minutes. The final result will transform you into what many eastern biologists refer to as a Janeane Garafolo. This is a very controversial status to achieve as a mammal and/or spiritual presence. While pleasant results are unknown and still being explored, confirmation that you have successfully dosed this potion can be achieved with a thorough matching of all items on this check list:

  • 14-inch water-buffalo-sized penis
  • Tendency to read and recite hackneyed journalism
  • Several ounces of Vincent Gallo's sperm may or may not be dried in your esophagus
  • Your age will be impossible to determine
  • You will smell of animal pheromones

Thanks to Shmorky for the illustrations! To check out some tracks from Mac Lethal's Love Potion mixtapes, visit www.myspace.com/maclethal.

– Mac Lethal

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.