I have figured out a way to drive in millions and millions of people to this site, thus ensuring my financial success and securing this site a place amongst the top 100 most popular websites in the world (which now include such revolutionary businesses as "Candi's Breast Village" and "The Great American Snatch Exchange"). Take a look at yet another gem of pearly wisdom I was able to gleam from CNN.com:

U.S. Internet surfers want medical information, survey says - More Americans surfing the Internet look for medical information than for sport scores, stock quotes or online shopping bargains, a group studying how the Internet affects people's lives said Sunday. An estimated 52 million Americans have used the Internet to gain knowledge about diseases and treatment, investigate how to participate in clinical trials and find low-fat recipes, the group said in a report released Sunday.

See? Now THAT'S where I went wrong, folks. You can look all over this godawful website, and I guarantee you won't find a single section dedicated to medical information. In fact, I never even knew how to properly spell the word "medical" until I read this article, and even now I still experience moderate difficulty. To make the situation even worse, most people end up NEEDING medical information to treat the various mental illnesses they contract from reading the crap on this site.

As a result, I am taking it upon myself to begin addressing readers' medical needs and concerns. I can honestly say that I'm not doing this for the extra income and money it will generate for me, but instead am doing it for the extra income and money it will generate for me. Sorry, I meant to say that I'm really doing it out of the goodness of my extra income and money it will generate for me. Dammit, I can't even successfully lie about my motives anymore. There goes my future prospects for a management position with Gamespy.

Through the miracle of the Internet or Virtual Reality or DDR-RAM or whatever the hell the key tech word for today is, I was able to collect a series of medical questions which you, the viewer, either sent me or thought of sending to me before coming to your senses and realizing I would just use it to mock and laugh at your expense. I am actually surprisingly qualified for this job, as I have a long history of watching reruns of "Doogie Howser, MD" when I should've been attending electrical engineering courses in college. Onto the questions, and hopefully, riches beyond my wildest dreams!

From: John M. Monroe

Dear "Dr." Lowtax:

I regularly experience a burning sensation when I pee. I used to think that this was because of the twelve-inch metal spike I had pierced my manhood with, but the burning has persisted ever since I had it removed by the carnival worker who originally inserted it. I have tried everything to get over this intense pain; I've eaten lots of bran, worked out in a "male only" gym, and even given up watching that show about the crazy black family on UPN. "Doctor" Lowtax, how do I get rid of this terrible problem?

Dear John,

Stop peeing.

From: Spanky Clemmons

"Doctor" Lowtax:

We live in the Lower Earl Valley Country Trailer Park and Upscale Retirement Villa, and my wife Sparkles got this problim where she dun drink Sunny Delight and then spits it up all over the place when her momma comes over and turns on "Matlock" on the tellevision screen. It aint used to be that bad, but she dun ruin that good rug we got from the flea show in West Albarnaback last month from the guy with the eyepatch and trampoline. Now Im plum sick and tired of askin the younguns to clean up after maw spits her orange beverage all over the place, and I think enough is enough. Can you help me with this here problem, doctor?

Dear Spanky,

No.

From: Clarabelle Kingston

Why do "computer hackers" in popular movies always have dyed blue hair? In addition, why do cyborgs never believe in taking cover while in combat? Sure, they're bulletproof and all, but they just stand there like dumbasses, shooting their guns in full view and never bothering to duck behind cover. Is it because they're designed by idiots with blue hair?

Dear Clarabelle,

A/S/L?

From: Ronnie Bledsoe

Hey "Doctor" Lowtax:

I regularly engage in a series of high risk activities, from having unprotected sex with various animal hookers, to regularly failing to check the "born on" date on my beer. Now my insurance company is trying to charge me unbelievable amounts of money, and I think it's because I'm 1/8th American Indian. My question is... well, I forgot my original question. I think it had something to do with Firewalls. Oh yeah, is Ambien a safe drug to regularly abuse?

Dear Ronnie,

Ambien, which is medically known as "Zolpidem Tartrate" or "that drug that wacks you out real good-like", is used to help insomniacs fall asleep. According to the FDA, Ambien also has the following bonus side effects:

A variety of abnormal thinking and behavior changes have been reported to occur in association with the use of sedative/hypnotics. Some of these changes may be characterized by decreased inhibition (eg, aggressiveness and extroversion that seemed out of character), similar to effects produced by alcohol and other CNS depressants. Other reported behavioral changes have included bizarre behavior, agitation, hallucinations, and depersonalization. Amnesia and other neuropsychiatric symptoms may occur unpredictably. In primarily depressed patients, worsening of depression, including suicidal thinking, has been reported in association with the use of sedative/hypnotics.

Now all this complicated medical talk may be too complex for your addled brain to comprehend, so let me point you in the direction of this sleep disorder discussion forum, which contains many interesting comments by actual Ambien users themselves:

Your body is powered by a mass of electrical charge that breaks down into small electrical currents to carry and relay messages through the brain to determine and carry instruction signals for how the body moves and opperates. I believe that this mass of electrical current is what actually makes up the human soul.."live energy powering an organic host". Science teaches us that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. I believe that when the organic body fails your energy mass or "soul" leaves the organic body.

So, as you can plainly see, I have no clue, but all signs point to the fact that using Ambien will make you nuttier than a box full of quadrapalegic Josepf Stalin clones. All I know is that if you want to exorcise the ghosts in your house, apparently all you need to do is take a firehose to them and cause the suckers to short circuit. I'm sure that's got to answer somebody's question out there.

If you have any more medical questions, you can either write in or keep them to yourselves. Either way, you've got around the same probability of getting a legitimate answer.

Yes, I am aware there are obnoxious, annoying popup ads appearing randomly on SA. Yes, I despise them as much as you do. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about it, and the ad stuff is out of my hands. Let's just hope and pray the popups eventually disappear before my audience does.

No new articles today, as I'm on my way back home to Costa Mesa this morning. Hopefully everything will get back on track, and the launch of the new SA redesign will be next week, along with the brand stinkin' new arrival of Real Awful News. Can you feel the excitement?

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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