A junior officer in a camouflage vest with red handkerchiefs tied around his huge biceps came strutting out of the communications center. He saluted crisply.
"Sir! You have an incoming transmission from the western wall. It's Big Boss Mystery."
"Put him on the tactical display," commanded Bedrock, lighting up his pipe.
Mystery's familiar face appeared on the tactical display. He looked tired and worried.
"Bedrock, good to see you holding strong. I have grave news."
"Don't sugar coat it."
"Our PUA methods are no longer effective. They've developed some sort of inoculation and handed it out to their troops." Mystery seemed shaken.
"But female troops don't have to take the same physical fitness tests as male troops," objected Bedrock.
"I know, Clint, but it's true. I've seen it with my own eyes. The negs just slip off them." Mystery paused for a moment, fighting to keep a quaver out of his voice. "There's something else. They've infiltrated gaming, Bedrock. They're removing the bouncing tits from all our games."
"What? All of them!?"
"It's true. I've seen the intel on the new Mortal Kombat game. It's...you play a ghost of a teenage girl and you have conversations with animals to find out who killed you. And...Bedrock...it was a man who killed you. It might have been your dad, because you were a lesbian and you were afraid to--"
"Did you play it?!"
Mystery's expression fell. He pulled his battered fur top hat off and covered his face with his hands as he began to sob.
"She just wanted to be herself," he cried as his shoulders shook with emotion.
"You are relieved of command, Big Boss Mystery!" shouted Bedrock. "I'm going to assume your outburst was caused by Low T. You are ordered to report for injections and Bud Limes at the Bro Center immediately."
"Th-thank you for--"
Bedrock switched off the transmission and was surprised to see the Supreme Dad waiting for him on the alternate channel. Tim Allen was maintained by advanced machinery. His "Arroooooo!" hardly louder than a whisper.
"Supreme Dad? What is it?"
"You are needed for a special mission, Bedrock. Report to the Man Cave."
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
Harry Potter and friends are returning in a new trilogy of films. Get your wizard hats ready and find out who will be back and which fan favorites may be introduced to the screen.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.