The nexus of all things male in City Y, it was the last command center and research lab for the Men's Resistance. He drove his monster truck from the wall, silver mud flap silhouettes gleaming in the bright flares hanging in the sky.
He passed through the security checkpoints and used his Big Boss credentials to activate the elevator. It opened into the main lab. The eggheads were testing femmethrowers on armored Confederate flags and exposing male rats to Sarkeesian conditioning. Chief Scientist Candy Johansson was waiting in a low cut science top, her boobs about to pop out and her nipples visible (no bra) under the skin tight fabric. She wiggled around when she walked over and rubbed up against Bedrock.
"Heyyy, Big Boss," she said in her breathy voice. "Come with me, big boy. We've completed the time-traveling Camaro."
"Wow, I never expected a girl to figure out time travel."
"I know, right?" she giggled. "I couldn't have done it without all the big scientist men though. And of course, Supreme Dad."
Supreme Dad was waiting in his study. There were deer antlers and garage bikini calendars all over the walls. He seemed shriveled behind the pile of falsified paternity suits stacked up on his desk.
"I've lost custody of all my boys," he said. "Most of the frontline units of nice guys are already in the friendzone and the Gynocrat has achieved pay equity. We're finished, Bedrock."
"You brought me here to tell me we're going to lose?"
"No. We have one chance left, and it's you, Bedrock."
Tim Allen nodded slowly. Candy Johansson leaned over his shoulder, her boobs totally going nip slip.
"We have compiled a list of targets," she said. "We want you to go back in time and eliminate all feminist literature by replacing it with Piers Anthony fantasy novels. A Room of One's Own becomes Gnome Chance in Hell, about a gnome named Chance who has to judge a bikini virgin contest in hell. The Color Purple turns into Clothes, Butt, No Cigar, a book about elf women who are domineering and have to get spanked on the butt by a frankly pretty nerdy wimp, who turns out to be a stud. Also, we may need you to take these Gor novels back to the time of the dinosaurs."
Bedrock's gaze narrowed as he stared at Candy's boobs.
"I'm in," he said, which had a double meaning about sex and also time travel missions.
"This may be our last battle," said Tim Allen, "but you can still win us the war."
"I'll do whatever it takes to make sure women have to ask their one night stand for permission to get an abortion."
"You're a good man," said the Supreme Dad.
Candy led Bedrock out of the room.
"Before you go," she said. "I'll need for you to sexually humiliate me like in a porno."
"There's a reason my name is 'Bedrock.'"
"Is it because you're really uncomfortable in bed?"
"That's one reason," he admitted. "The other is that...my great grandfather was Piers Anthony."
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
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