George F. Thorpson, President, Pendelhurst University Memorial UniversityGreetings, students!
Since floating into my position as President of Pendelhurst University Memorial University on a golden parachute from my former role as CEO of Baltimore's third-largest plastics corporation, one thing has been important to me, second only to buying a bigger boat: your future. As President, you may think my only job is attending dinner after expensive dinner with soft drink representatives looking to advertise on campus. Certainly, sometimes it feels that way -- if I see another lobster this week, I swear I'm going to be sick! Diplomatic obligations aside, consider me a role model for whatever future paths you plan on taking. Students, I am living proof that the system works. With just a 2-year business school degree and a father who once owned the largest plastics company in Baltimore, I've been able to achieve the status that you would be able to see in action if I didn't ban students from entering the administrative building. And while I only make 300 thousand dollars a year, I'm willing to sacrifice one of my seasonal homes so that I can be involved in furthering the subjects that matter: science, math, and, of course, business.
For all of you out there who happen to be liberal arts majors, don't worry. We at PUMU haven't forgotten about you; our new "Leg-Up Into Labor" program has been placing liberal arts graduates into some of the finest factories still standing in America. Some of them will even let you read books on your break (subject to approval by the foreman)!
Today, though, there are more pressing concerns at hand. Let me update you on the news and events happening on the PUMU campus this fall!
Sexual Assault on the Rise
We begin this week's "Message From the President" on a tragic note. In comparison to last year, acts of sexual assault against women -- or "boys will be boys," as I like to call it -- have risen 300%, coinciding with the amazing winning streak our boys on the PUMU Pumas have been pulling off (Go Pumas!). This shocking increase in victims from last year even takes into consideration October '06's "Homecoming Incident," which I am not allowed to talk about by order of the federal court.
Ladies, a word of advice: never travel alone on campus after dark. Also, quit being such little teases. I'm onto you. You think I can't read your deceptive little minds when you're lying on the lawn in front of the athletic dorms in a bruised and weeping piles of naked shame? I've seen many good quarterbacks forced off the team (like our old friends and 2005 state champions Dwight Messer and Brian Kilgore) thanks to your shenanigans. College is the time when you're supposed to do some growing up, and that's awfully hard to accomplish from the inside of an ICU. I encourage all of you, as the old saying goes, to "take one for the team." Let's work together so you can meet your goals of becoming teachers, nurses, and mommies!
On a related note, the ongoing search for missing female student and pep squad leader Elaine Goodall has yielded a large portion of her lower jawbone. Thanks to our boys on the PUMU Pumas for the rigorous search of their practice field!
Awards? We Got 'Em!
Pendelhurst University Memorial University's student newspaper, the PUMU Press, recently swept the Collegiate Journalist Awards this September with two wins! Jeff Barnhouse brought home two awards in the categories of "Outstanding Achievement in Headline Puns" and "Best Use of Unexpected Controversy" for his article, "Much Ado About Parking." (Previously titled "Free Parking? Not in this Monopoly!") Since I still have quite a bit of space to fill, here's an excerpt from Jeff's groundbreaking treatise on student parking:
Your probably wondering, "Why does it cost so much to park on campus!" If so, you may be onto something: Wikipedia claims that student parking is "expensive" and, at times, "lame" (Wikipedia 89). But parking on campus has been something we all must suffer through -- but do we really have to? After all, think of the situation: we students pay money and the people tell us where we can park?! Last time I checked, that was called fascism (The History Channel 32)! And you know who one one the greatest fascists was? That's right. Hitler. The truth may shock you, but I believe you'll find my comparison fascinating.
"Better luck next time" goes out to Steve Miltner, whose review of the Transformers movie, "Transformers is Really More Than Meets the Eye!" was disqualified for having too many opinions. And while we're on the subject, I'd like to offer my own "Frowny" award for former college journalist Bill Rothman's series of articles about corruption and embezzlement in the PUMU administration. There's such a thing as too many references, Bill!
We might find we have more in common than we think if we just stop fighting long enough to combine our bodies into a singular organism.
Stillson's Controversial Actions During Assassination Attempt Draw Some Criticism
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.