George F. Thorpson, President, Pendelhurst University Memorial UniversityGreetings, students!
Since my last mandatory message, tragic events have shaken the very foundation of Pendelhurst University Memorial University. When I was woken out of a deep, prescription-aided slumber last week by a phone call from the PUMU Press informing me that students were rioting on campus, I could only feel anger. Anger that some Woodward and Bernstein wannabe looked up my home phone number and completely disregarded our University's policy of only giving statements at sanctioned and closely-monitored press events. PUMU Press EIC Steve Miltner is currently on academic suspension and will not see the inside of another classroom until 2012, I assure you.
After being whisked away by a campus security helicopter to our new, state-of-the-art panic room (Cheers to all of our fund-raiser attendees last year!), I could only watch with utter shame from my personal observation deck (Special thanks to the Spencer family for their generous donation!) as the out-of-control behavior of Collegetoberfest 2009 spilled onto the campus of Pendelhurst University Memorial Universiity; I shouldn't need to remind you that our landscaping budget eclipses our funding of the humanities by quite a large margin. Collegetoberfest, an annual end-of-the-semester block party that is in no way associated in any way with Pendelhurst University Memorial University, was turning uglier than my pal Rusty, who I've just appointed provost. Hah, just kidding Russ. You're a champ and I look forward to another one of our weekly fishing trips.
According to official police reports, the trouble started when a Pendelhurst student, one Mitchell Reed, was charged with aggravated beer bong-spilling by one of our boys in blue. When Mitchell refused a search of his polo shirt for drug paraphernalia, the police followed standard procedure by firing bean bag after bean bag into a torso bloated with gallons of what I'm told is called "Natural Light." (The only kind of "Natural Light" I enjoy is all the sunshine I get at my country club's bi-annual regattas!) For the mere crippling of a person who was clearly a danger to himself and others, the crowd at Collegetoberfest retaliated by partying harder than they ever had before. Beverages were "shotgunned," the raucous sounds of AC-DC filled the air, and crude images of genetalia were drawn on the faces of the unconscious. But after several SWAT teams were dispatched and hundreds of tear gas canisters were deployed, the streets of Collegetoberfest were once again safe to drive down on my way to the antique store.
Because events like this make people question my impact as university president, they cannot happen again. Folks, I don't mean to be crude, but I'll be damned if I find myself out of a job and living off of a 300,000 dollar-a-year pension, especially in our economically interesting times. I'm sure all of you out there who have faced such difficulties can relate. This is why I've taken it upon myself to give you kids some tips on how to party responsibly from a guy who's "been up and down the blocks" a few times.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
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