"...Big Boss has started...training an army...at...Mother Base." - Dying Senator Lou Popper
17 Telephone rings in darkened room for so long it becomes annoying - Otacon again - Cyborg Ninja becomes visible and cuts the telephone in half - takes off helmet and is DECEPTION MEERKAT
18 Sleepless race of ancient guardians never feel asleep/are asleep. Deceptive snoring.
19 Unspeakable ritual conjures Hind helicopter requiring nine missiles to shoot down.
20 Sentinel of Drowned city shews explorer secret method to change state of animals to render them evil. Gas Badger and Liquid Skunk most evil of all.
21 Philanthropy traces Metal Gear Gack to the hold of a black slave galleon of the moon beasts in the dreams of a racist New England gay man.
22 Man believes he doesn't need to bother with the story is forced into endless Codec with Colonel Campbell - it is only a dream - wife is Colonel Campbell - calls Otacon on telephone only he's holding a Codec and Colonel Campbell breaks in on the transmission
23 Acid Cake Boss throws tantrum over Fondant Ocelot's sloppy job with royal icing.
24 Secret mission bonus allows weird side characters to do gay things to each other - consequences
25 Vietnam Army Commander Pilot initiates plan to kill Naked Jesus - Metal Gear Cross located on Golgotha Island by Row Mantis and activated by Liquid Jews
26 Man fights way to dead wife's Launch Control Room to reactivate her to life
27 A nanomachine does something - an evil cat - President Metal Gear???
28 Strange hole in bathroom stall - Snake Eater
29 Hideous game superimposed over decent game - VR Missions - Raiden Only
30 Shadow Moses Incident - red key card - world of ancient evil constantly on alert - marvels therein
31 Cigarettes give health - or do they? - automatic M rating
32 Senator Jim Douglas - switches bodies with Metal Gear for 10 years - returns to find life now steeped in elaborate conspiracy theories
33 Man gets up during Metal Gear cutscene to fix snack, returns to find himself in cutscene being watched by Metal Gear
34 Cult seeks to summon Metal Gear from the deep using evil sorcery, Republican PACs
35 Solid Snake receives newspaper from one year in future - Metal Gear Patriot Wins Presidency! - attempts to change future only further it at each step - manipulated by brainwashing - actions controlled by WOLFPUPPY - mini-game a metaphor for military-industrial complex - virtual reality within virtual reality - actually Raiden - actually it's you and the game is playing you - controller begins to slide up your thigh - Metal Gear touches your boob
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.