Our records show that your website SOMETHINGAWFUL will reach a larger audience and increase its profits by at least 400% simply by entering into an exciting promotional partnership. Give your visitors what they want with Club Mixjam Promotions!

Starting on the 27th, our unique TABLE FOR BRAD RAPSTAR event kicks off in style. A medium sized table (fold out, particle board) will display a number of signed photographs of up and coming hip-hop artist BRAD RAPSTAR. There will also be approximately one large caricature of the rapper. In this drawing, he will have a large head and will be fishing in a small pond. A word balloon near his head will read "Why can't I catch any fish?" The viewer will see what the caricature of BRAD RAPSTAR cannot: There are no fish in the pond because it is full of treasure chests!

The table will be set up and later taken down by a weeping DMX, who promises to keep the open sobbing to a minimum.

BRAD RAPSTAR will not be present, as he has previous engagements.

Sincerely,
ClubMixJamPromotions.Biz (look us up in the phone book, we're working on getting a website now that GeoCities is gone)

This month would be the perfect time for your website SOMETHINGAWFUL to hitch a ride on the breakout success that is Club MixJam Productions!

The nation turns its eyes to the biggest party of all time, featuring an unbelieveable lineup of artists including BRAD RAPSTAR, his partner in crime DJ SCHMEEJAY, the beautiful $TEPH@NEE, and by popular demand SWEAT SWEAT with their chart-topping club banger SWEAT (SWEAT) from the mixtape PERSPERSWEATION.

This mega-party of epic proportions will take place at the SWANK BAR, in the parking lot. If we are asked to move again, we will relocate to the DENNY'S on 3rd Avenue.


We are pleased to announce that the Club MixJam Promotions app has officially launched on the Apple App Store! For $2.99, you too can launch an app that flashes the words "Club MixJam Promotions" on the screen of your iPad, iPhone, or Apple computer.

Note: Fullscreen mode will only be available in Mac OSX Lion.

At last count there were over two hundred million App Store users! Your website SOMETHINGAWFUL can tap into this lucrative market by joining forces with Club MixJam Promotions!


It's official, rap sensation BRAD RAPSTAR has gone from cult favorite to beloved celebrity! He will be featured as a float in this year's Thanksgiving Day Parade, seen on national television!

The float will be life-sized, made with over 20 small balloons arranged in the shape of a human. Using a magic marker, DMX will draw BRAD RAPSTAR's eyes and mouth onto the topmost balloon. No nose. Noses are really hard to draw. This balloon will be the float's head.

This stunning replica of America's most exciting artist will be walked through the crowd as the parade goes on. If we can find helium, it will also be let go to float into the air, symbolizing the rise of the phenomenon that is BRAD RAPSTAR.


Just as social media has defined a generation, so has BRAD RAPSTAR. This week the two cultural landmarks will meet, as BRAD RAPSTAR plans to post comments on Twitter, YouTube comment sections, and the Facebook walls of attractive girls.

An audience of billions will possibly be reached as this Club MixJam Promotions event kicks into gear - with or without you! Preferably with!

BRAD RAPSTAR has some things to say about Obamacare on YouTube, and he has already expressed interest in retweeting several corporate contest tweets which could net him such exciting prizes as a lifetime supply of smoke detectors and a plastic replica of the rollerball from the movie Rollerball (2002 version).

Let's get this party started!


The Club MixJam street team is in full effect! These excited, passionate youths are out there and spreading the message with flyers and matching BRAD RAPSTAR t-shirts!

Our street team has been encouraged to yell. If they don't have a message (they currently don't) they will shout wordless yelps. Just think - if you team up with Club MixJam Promotions they could be yelling your message and increasing your website's clicks!

For a limited time, our street team also has bus fare so they can cover multiple areas and most of a bus.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.