That's me up there and on the right. I survived, but most of my teammates did not that one fateful day we met the jerk with the red bandana.
Hey members, it's me, Blue Guy #762,182, your Video Game Henchmen's 563rd Union representative. As you're all probably aware of, we've made a lot of progress last month even though we lost over 14 million union members. With the help of the VGH 209, we got management to approve our demands of letting us guys in red suits use the gun that shoots fire once every three minutes. We were also able to pass a resolution giving our families better medical benefits if we're killed in an accident involving a corporation-produced "boss" or "mini-boss" machine which the corporation has given the power to kill us just to show how fucking powerful it is and intimidate the steadily advancing good guys. Now don't get all excited because although we've made a shitload of progress here, we still got a long fucking way to go. I mean a long way, which is why I want to make sure everybody reading this has paid their union dues and maybe thrown in a few extra bucks to help us out even more because we're gonna need it to fight all this bullshit the corporation is trying to pull on us. Oh, and you can thank Safeway for the chicken and coleslaw you're probably eating now. When in the neighborhood, please be sure to stop in and buy some great deli products at your nearby Safeway.
Most all of you guys know me by now, I've been the 563rd Union rep for over sixteen hours now, which is by far the longest tenure for any rep in this district in over a decade. I've shown all you guys that I'm dedicated to making the VGH Union one of the strongest groups since the Associate of Evil Androids and Robots (AEAR) started up last year. Unfortunately we don't got the fucking clout of those robots because they can shoot exploding balls out of their arms and shit, and we unfortunately have to rely on the damned corporation to give us our weapons. But I'm not here to bitch about shit we can't change, I'm here to make a difference so you and I can know that when we're put on the battlefield and are quickly shot to death with 300,000 fellow union members, our families will get the best health insurance and medical coverage possible.
First off, I'd like to share with you guys some tips that have been given to each union branch, courtesy of the great guys over at the VGH 445. They sat down and used some scientific shit to come up with some really great ideas to give us a better chance to survive on the battlefield or underground fortresses or jungles or wherever the corporation decides to put us for whatever goddamn stupid reason. Me and Blue Guy #1,367,998 looked over these suggestions and we both agreed that they're really fucking great ideas and we hope that you guys will copy them down and memorize them before suiting up and going into combat next time you're called up. So okay, here they are:
TIP #1: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM BARRELS. I'm no goddamn scientist, so I don't have any clue what the hell the corporation is storing inside these barrels, but let me tell you one thing: it ain't good. Any time a bullet gets within like fuckin' 100 yards of these goddamn things, they blow up all to hell and completely wipe out the surrounding area. This ain't good for nobody, so I really don't understand why the corporation continually decides to put these fuckers all over the goddamn battlefield and next to us. Furthermore, I don't really know why some of you guys, and I'm looking at you Mr. Green Guy With the Black Sunglasses #291,003, decide to hang out by these barrels all the goddamn time. I mean, they're a fucking deathtrap people, use your heads! If you see a barrel, STAY AWAY FROM IT. Yeah, I know the urge to sit down and start humping it or whatever the hell you guys plan on doing is just irresistible, but you're gonna have to get ahold of yourselves and just keep away. We're in the process of writing up some demands that will make it illegal for the corporation to put these barrels in the 15 foot-wide hallways that we have to commute through each and every day, but until that gets passed, we just gotta think smart and hope to Jesus that we ain't near these goddamn things when the hero busts in.In this shot, you'll notice that a bunch of us are in one small group, while the enemy is on the left by himself. BIG MISTAKE, GUYS.
TIP #2: "RUNNING STRAIGHT FORWARD" ISN'T SUCH A GREAT COMBAT TACTIC. Now I'll be the first to admit that we've had a shitload of trouble getting guys organized during combat. We don't got no smartass battle tactics guys to tell us how to hide behind rocks or those big green bushes that somehow stop bullets. We simply don't got the budget to afford guys like this and the corporation sure as hell ain't ponying up no money so we can wear headsets or even cellphones to talk to a command HQ during firefights. All I know is that our previous attack strategy of "running straight forward" just ain't working. I've looked at VHS tapes of recent battles against PLAYER 1 over and over and over again until my eyes felt like they were about to fucking explode and I gotta say that this strategy is why a good percentage of our members have turned into blinking guys laying down and eventually disappearing. I mean Christ, you guys just charge head on at the hero and occasionally shoot once every goddamn millennium. What are you thinking? We ain't fighting a goddamn crippled hog here, we're after some guy with a gun the size of our heads and more stamina than all of us combined. We gotta start looking into other battle strategies because this shit ain't working and I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired of seeing my buddies die face down in the mud while blinking and eventually disappearing. Next time you guys see that fucking PLAYER 1, or to a lesser extent PLAYER 2, try like moving a little to the left or right when he starts shooting at you. It probably won't work because he'll hit one of the fucking barrels behind you, which I think are like breeding in the back room or something.
TIP #3: IF YOU SEE THE HERO AND HE'S A DIFFERENT COLOR, RUN LIKE GOD'S PISS. I can personally vouch for this one guys, one time I was stationed in level 2-3 and PLAYER 1 was shooting my squad all to hell and back. I was covering my own ass by running around in circles and aiming at an elephant I think I saw in the opposite direction about nine miles away, when suddenly PLAYER 1 just fucking changed color like that and he got all red and flashing and then everything all went to fucking hell. I mean, shit started exploding right and left, he was moving at like 10 times the speed he was previously moving, and all our bullets were passing through him like he was the motherfucking Ghost of Christmas Past. I don't know what the hell those jackasses do to start flashing and turn into the incredible goddamn Hulk, but if our HMO wasn't so fucking shitty then I'd ask for a prescription of it as soon as I could. Missile Shooting Guy #582,442 claims that he was in a firefight once and right before the hero started going into "Flashing Jackass" mode, he apparently ran over some colored square that had like a big "P" or glowing letter on it. If this is the case, we should probably start shooting square "P" symbols whenever we find them. But don't shoot them if they're on your computer screen because then you'll probably have to get a new monitor. Trust me on this one.
If at least one of us here had some kind of flamethrower or something, maybe we would've stood a chance. What, does the CEO intentionally want us to fucking fail here?
Okay, now that we got that shit out of the way, let's move on to the real important part of today's meeting: our demands. Everybody here is well aware of how fucking uncooperative and hesitant the corporation is to give us jack shit. Hell, I've been wearing this goddamn blue uniform every day for the past 17 years. We tried to talk to the CEO of the corporation, but he's apparently like a goddamn alien or robot or named "Mr. X" or some crazy shit like that and he doesn't have a phone because nobody gave him a goddamn sprite for a phone or even a desk for that matter. I don't know what the hell he does all day in that square room of his, I guess he just paces back and forth and waits for somebody to bust into his office so he can try to shoot them and eventually turn into some ultimate alternate evil form, one which doesn't fucking bother coming to our union meetings. So we can't get too greedy and ask for too much shit at once or else he'll decide to station our entire union inside a battleship whose entire purpose is to lob white balls at one plane which has previously blown up a few million previous battleships exactly like ours. I don't think the CEO ever even thought of that; I mean, when PLAYER 1 is in a fucking jet and flying over his territory, shooting up shit like a heroin addict, we're losing million upon million of guys manning fighter planes, boats, gun turrets, and the multi-billion dollar mini-boss fortresses which always have some retarded fucking flaw like shooting a wave of 50 bullets and then being completely goddamn defenseless for the next half hour. We'll eventually list all our demands, but for the time being, I'm only gonna ask for three of them because I'll be damned if I'm gonna get crammed into some flying deathtrap with a pilot who doesn't understand the concept of "turning to the left."
DEMAND #1: WE WANT BETTER GUNS. Now I'm not so fucking stupid that I can't understand why the CEO of the corporation continually decides to place people with better weapons closer to his office / headquarters / floating spaceship of doom, but I don't think it's unreasonable to give at least one of us guys on the frontlines one of those megaguns that he hands out to his elite guard. I've been shooting the same white-sphere chucking piece of shit pistol for years now and I'm lucky if the white ball I shoot out can travel faster than me. Hell, I don't even know what kind of ammunition this thing uses or why I never have to reload; I always assumed I was just really lucky or some shit like that, but I've been talking to a lot of my fellow Blue Guys in other union divisions and we all got the same crap cannon. If we could just get one fucking lousy guy with a weapon more effective than a lawn dart up here on the front lines with us, I think we could stop PLAYER 1 before he has a chance to genocidally eliminate a few million of us. I don't want a fucking nuclear warhead or anything like that (although I wouldn't refuse one if offered), but I think we should at least have a bazooka or laser gun or something that shoots projectiles which a small, blind, drunken child can't avoid.Guy With a Backpack #821,287 is shown here, running back and forth and completely at the mercy of PLAYER 1. How can anybody think that's fair?
DEMAND #2: WE WANT THE ABILITY TO OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY AND USE LADDERS. Right now, company policy forbids us to use any heavy machinery or ladders, which is about the most fucking stupid rule ever. If PLAYER 1 climbs a ladder to a floor above us, we're contractually obligated to run back and forth below him, either shooting in his direction or endlessly pacing and hoping for him to return to our level so he can mercilessly pick us off. Furthermore, only heavy machinery workers are allowed to operate the heavy machinery. You know, those high and mighty assholes who have different outfits than us and refuse to get out of their equipment even when it's clear than it's gonna explode like a pinata full of dynamite. I think we deserve the right to use these machines to stop PLAYER 1 from snuffing out our union brothers. Hell, they usually have some kind of fucked up gun that shoots swirling fireballs or nepalm-laced atomic hand grenades, so why can't we at least jump into that bulldozer in the background and try to run the fucker over? Yeah, I'm aware that this would probably require the corporation to pay some guy to animate the vehicles moving, but I think if it can save at least one of our lives, it's worth it.
DEMAND #3: WE WANT A PROPER FUNERAL FOR MARVIN. Everybody here who knew Marvin liked him. He was a great guy and was a great friend to all of us. We'd play Poker on weekends and he'd always bring plenty of beer. Remember the picnic last year when Marvin did that great impersonation of Floating Laser Robot #78,182? We couldn't stop laughing for hours. Then, as you all know, Marvin was suddenly killed in the line of duty a few nights ago while doing his duty as Guy Who Lobs An Endless Supply of Grenades Which All Explode In One Location #823,006. Marvin did his job and he did it well; he never once, in his years of service, failed to lob grenades that exploded in the exact same place. He would do it through night and day, never stopping or slowing down, even if PLAYER 1 was miles away or right behind him. Unfortunately, Marvin was recently killed by - you guessed it - PLAYER 1, and proceeded to blink out of existence within seconds. It's not fair that such a great guy like Marvin should die so suddenly, and we demand that the corporation pay for a proper funeral. I envision a really nice solid brown casket at least 80 pixels long, along with some soothing MIDI music. After some kind words float to the top of the screen, the lights should fade out and "GAME OVER" should be solemnly displayed. I knew Marvin and loved him like a brother, and this is only the right thing to do for a guy who's lobbing an endless supply of grenades which all explode in one location up in Heaven.
I think these demands are more than fair, and if the CEO of the corporation doesn't start caving in soon to our requests, I'm afraid that we may have to do something drastic. I'm not going to stir up any controversy or suggest something radical like a strike right now, but I want the CEO to know that we mean business and we're not going to sit idly by while our friends and coworkers start fatally flashing. As members of the Video Game Henchmen's 563rd Union, it's our duty to stick together and stay shoulder to shoulder at all times. Well, except when attacking PLAYER 1; we'll want to kind of run around and not stand in a straight line in that case. And remember guys, DO NOT go to the fucking barrels! They are not kegs of beer and you will probably die if you hang around them for too long. This conclude's this month's update, and I hope to fucking shit that you've paid your dues, because one day we'll have enough cash to maybe afford a hand grenade or a rock to crouch behind, god willing.
Surviving Animal Attacks
Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons with a hot topic our readers have been demanding for months on end! It's a brand new Guide to surviving animal attacks. It's a jungle out there and one of the last things we want is for you to get killed or injured.
Here's a hint; Action Jackson got his name from surviving animal attacks, so if you want to have "Action" instead of "Eaten" as your nickname then you'd better get moving! A lot of clueless nature types will tell you that playing dead works. They're full of beans so don't listen to them, playing dead means that they might stop trying to eat you and instead choose to lay their eggs in your skull. Would you rather fend off a panther's claws or go into work after a camping trip and suddenly keel over only to have thousands of panther larvae hatching out of your eye sockets? The choice is yours.
Strap on your Ursine Observation Suit, lay down in a trash heap, and read this goddamn guide.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.