More Gore for Bigger Bore

I was originally planning on devoting today's update to expressing my colossal disappointment with the self-professed "game" Gore, but I noticed that Kevin kind of took care of that yesterday. This, by itself, should demonstrate just how horrible of a title Gore is, as we never seem to agree on the direction for updates on this site.

ME: "Hey Kevin, why don't you make fun of this news item on CNN.com? It's funny because some guy got his penis trapped in a funnel cake machine! Ha ha! Penis humor! That practically writes itself! This is comedy gold!"

KEVIN: "Fuck off."

ME: "Or how about this one? It's an article about genetic manipulation! You could infer that Jeff K. might haX0r the computer and corrupt peoples' DNA! Ha ha! Jeff K.! Hacking! Jeff K. never gets old! It's like the gift that keeps on giving! Jeff K., you so crazy! You go, girl!"

KEVIN: "Screw you."

ME: "Well whatever you write, it can't possibly be as terrible as that absolutely moronic update you did about how you are afraid your hand will murder you or whatever the hell that plane crash of a news article was about." (shuddering) "I get physically ill thinking about that horrible disaster of failure. How on Earth were you able to smash enough random keys in such an order that the most vile, reprehensible, moronic update ever known to mankind could be produced? It will take teams of governmental scientists decades to reverse engineer that news post and discover the secret formula that allowed you to cram 100% pure crap into a single chunk of vomit-inducing text. If Hitler could be digitally recreated in ASCII form, he would bear an uncanny resemblance to that news post about your hand."

KEVIN: "Fuck you."

ME: "You're not going to write about your hand again, are you?"

KEVIN: "Screw off." (begins to draw a picture which looks like two giant birds roller skating on top of Greg Kite's head)
Screenshot from Gore. I stole these pictures from Shacknews, so to prevent anybody from doing the same and ripping it off from this site, I marked them with the SA logo. Try to take the images now, you rat bastard content theives!

As you can plainly see, Kevin and I are clearly lacking in the communication department, unless you consider Kevin's liberal usage of words he heard on late night Cinemax as being conducive to a conversation. Now that I think about it, I'm fairly sure that Kevin hasn't ever completed a single sentence without employing filthy sailor language, causing Baby Jesus to weep a tear every time Kevin opens his gaping maw of a mouth. Usually the profanities are drowned out by the rude noises emanating from the nonstop phlegm factory located somewhere in the bowels of his gut, so they're not as pronounced as they may seem by my description. However, the fact remains; National Starch and Chemical Company is a leading manufacturer of adhesives, specialty synthetic polymers, electronic & engineering materials and specialty food and industrial starches. Actually that's not the original fact I wanted to bring up but that's okay because I was deviating from the main topic of this news post anyway: Gore is a horrible game.

It's hard to find a single topic that Kevin and I see eye-to-eye on, mainly because his glasses weigh roughly 60 pounds and reflect enough light to burn fist-sized holes through my forehead. Oddly enough, we both instantly agreed that Gore was one of the most terrible games we've played in years. Yes, even worse than Daikatana. That's like seeing a sign outside Hell reading, "Closed for repairs - expect a new, improved, more painful Hell in 2001!" You never thought it could be humanly possible to redefine the term "worst," but hey, here it is sitting right in front of your face and looking like a sloppy gangbang inside Barney's Playpen. Why do I think Gore is a complete and total flop? Oh, let me count the ways:

1) Level design looks terrible. The multiplayer maps range from "hollowed-out blocks in the ghetto" to "hollowed-out blocks in a slightly non-ghetto location." It's as if Tetris vomited up its last meal all over a dirt floor and said, "hey fellahs, why don't you shoot at each other inside me!" The mapmakers then chose to add offensive colored lighting in random rooms, as unnecessary colored lighting is a way to tell the world, "hey, I have unnecessary colored lighting in my game." This leads me to the next point...

2) The game engine should be dragged to the greenest pasture and shot from a cannon into another cannon hundreds of yards away. Then that cannon should shoot the game engine back into the first cannon, which then should be set on fire and tossed into a smelting pit so the souls of the damned that are trapped inside this game can escape. I'm sorry, but no matter how creative and ingenious your design team claims to be, you just can't make a good product from a game engine that was discovered by searching Download.com for "FREE + GAME + ENGINE + K3WL." Take one part Quake 1 engine, one part Solitaire engine, and one very large part whiskey and what do you have? Beats me, but it probably looks better than the mess of jaggies and putrid polygons in Gore.

3) The weapons do more damage to the mental health of the player than any other opponents. I was tearing my hair out while suffering through this multiplayer demo, as I couldn't tell what gun did what and if any single item I picked up was doing damage to anybody. As far as I can tell, the weapons in Gore consist of the following:

Small gun which might do damage. Or might not. I don't know.
Larger gun which shoots bullets. Maybe.
Much larger gun which, when pressing the "fire" button, depletes your ammunition supply much quicker than the previous two guns. I assume the bullets are shot out, but I have no way to back up this claim.
Gun that shoots flat yellow polygons. Let's face it; nobody but Xatrix / Grey Matter can do a flamethrower well, so just give it up already.
Gun that shoots an item which causes flat yellow polygons to appear upon coming into contact with something.
The green gun. Emits something that is green. Yeah, that's what first person shooters need! MORE GREEN!!!
4) Speaking of the flat yellow polygons, I cannot think of one rational reason explaining why a game with such pathetic explosions is not illegal in at least 40 states. For God's sake, take a lesson from Big John Carmack and USE SPRITES ON EXPLOSIONS! Nothing looks worse than a fire which appears to be a transparent pyramid tagged by graffiti vandals. Well okay, maybe something looks worse than that; how about a transparent pyramid tagged by graffiti vandals on the inside of a large square room filled with rejected pieces from Tetris' bowels? Oh yeah, and a fat guy with a beer can too, because God knows, having the top of a beer can obstruct the player's view is about the most wonderful idea ever, second only to filling the Apollo 1 with pure oxygen.

So I didn't enjoy the multiplayer demo of Gore. Although somebody might claim this demo isn't representative of the full game, I can't help but really not care about the full version of the game. You can pretty much guarantee that any review of Gore's full version will result in nonstop bitching, whining, and cussing, so let's just hope somebody rapes me, kills me, and spits on my body before this game comes out. After all, if Kevin and I both see eye-to-eye on something, you can safely assume one thing: he cleaned away all that eye-junk that builds up all day on his face.

Cliff Doesn't Like You... BIG Surprise

It's Monday, so you know what that means... FRESH PANTIES ALL AROUND! No wait, that's Tuesday. Monday means Cliff Yablonski hates a brand new batch of people. Let's take a look at Cliff's newest message to me:

From: cliff yablonski
Subject: (no subject)

Wow! A man of few words indeed! Anyway, Cliff's got five new pages of people he really doesn't like. Head on over there and gaze upon the newest group of mutants.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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