This article is part of the The Lost Transcripts of Mr. Wizard series.
EPISODE 1000: PILOT
(Scene opens at night with Mr. Wizard and Leonard squatting outside a door)
LEONARD: (whispering) So what are we doing here? And why are we dressed in all black?
MR. WIZARD: Because I'm tired of traveling the country selling assorted potions and health tonics from the back of my shitty El Camino. It's time for a change.
LEONARD: That doesn't answer my question. Whose house is this?
MR WIZARD: It's gonna be hard to land my own educational television show with such a formidable adversary hawking my every move. You want me to have a television show, don't you Leo?
LEONARD: Well, sure I do Mr. Wizard, but don't you ...
MR WIZARD: Then shut the fuck up and blow the charge!
(Leonard presses a wireless detonator switch and the door explodes. Mr. Wizard hurriedly enters the HOUSE, halting in the LIVING ROOM)
MR. WIZARD: Mr. Warlock ... you were expecting me?
MR. WARLOCK: Predictable as always, Wizard.
MR WIZARD: The deal with Nickelodeon is mine ... and so is your head. (Unsheathing a samurai sword) Let's dance!
EPISODE 1024: HAMMERS
(Scene opens with Ryan and Mr. Wizard seated on the couch in the DEN)
RYAN: So the message you left with my mother said we'd be working with hazardous chemicals today? I brought my protective goggles and gloves. What's on the agenda, Mr. Wizard?
(Mr. Wizard strikes Ryan on the kneecap with a hammer)
MR. WIZARD: Call me Thor, motherfucker!
(Mr. Wizard strikes Ryan on the shoulder with a hammer)
MR. WIZARD: I SAID THOR!!!
RYAN: Alright, alright - you're Thor! Stop fucking hittin' me!
MR. WIZARD: THOR!!!
EPISODE 2003: SORES
(Scene opens with Mr. Wizard, Becky, Terrence, and Claude seated around the table in the KITCHEN)
BECKY: Seriously? That's disgusting. I'm literally seconds from vomiting.
MR. WIZARD: I know, right? How do you think I feel?!
CLAUDE: Shhh shhh! Here she comes ...
(Linda enters the KITCHEN from HALLWAY)
LINDA: Hey, everyone! Say, what are you guys up to?
CLAUDE: Hey, Linda. Not a lot, just sitting around um ... talking.
(muffled snickers come from Becky and Terrence)
TERRENCE: Hey Linda, how's your butthole holding up?
LINDA: (enraged) YOU TOLD THEM!? YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T TELL ANYONE!!!
MR. WIZARD: Well, you promised ME that you were disease-free. Eye for an eye, scumbag.
EPISODE 3000: COMBUSTION
(Scene opens with Mr. Wizard, Kelly, and Donald in the BASEMENT at the lab table)
MR. WIZARD: So let's recap. Kelly, can you tell me what three essential elements you need for a fire?
(Mr. Wizard ignites a wad of tissue with a match)
KELLY: Well, first you need a heat source, such as these matches. Secondly, you have to have oxygen. A fire can't burn continuously without oxygen.
(Mr. Wizard ignites a bowl full of dried-out leaves with a match)
KELLY: And finally, you have to have some kind of fuel, such as the tissue paper or that bowl full of leaves.
MR. WIZARD: Very good, Kelly!
(Mr. Wizard ignites Donald's hair with a match)
KELLY: Holy shit!
(Donald runs screaming from the room, his hair ablaze)
KELLY: Donald burns like leaves!
MR. WIZARD: You owe me five bucks. Pay up.
EPISODE 3002: SUPLEX
(Scene opens with Mr. Wizard and Timmy seated at the counter in the KITCHEN)
TIMMY: That sure was neat, Mr. Wizard. I never knew battery acid had so many useful applications!
(Mr. Wizard hangs his head and sighs)
MR. WIZARD: Do you have a girlfriend, Timmy?
TIMMY: No. I'm only ten, Mr. Wizard.
MR. WIZARD: My wife is leaving me, Timmy. She's found someone else ... a gymnast named Terrence. We've been together for seven years now. Seven years I've wasted rubbing her feet and crafting delicious confectionary concoctions for her in the kitchen. She says I've lost my spark. Says I'm not the virile science-master I used to be.
TIMMY: Gee, I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Wizard.
MR. WIZARD: Fuck her! I'll show her young and virile! She wants an athlete?! I'll give her one!
(Mr. Wizard rips his sweater off, grabs Timmy by the neck, and suplexes him onto the kitchen floor)
MR. WIZARD: (Flexes his muscles) I'm a goddamn BEAST! I'll show that moldy twat who she's fucking with! This is the Wizard! I'm the prince of potions, motherfucker! I'm the ageless byproduct of a Nikola Tesla, Barbarella, Andre the Giant fuckfest. Leave me? LEAVE ME?!? I eat beakers for breakfast and shit algorithms at noon!
TIMMY: (Writhing on the floor) Ughhh ... my back ...
MR. WIZARD: I'm just messing with you, Timmy. I always wanted to suplex a kid. Let's get some lunch, I'm buying.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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Mr. Wizard had various science-based educational TV shows between 1951-1990. What he didn't have, however, was a sense of what boundaries shouldn't be crossed. Herein lie the transcripts of his unaired segments.