Your honor, I respectfully disagree with you presiding over this case. Let the record show that you are in fact Spring Break Dog, and that after digging up the real judge's award-winning flower bed you have been creatively sentenced to do his job for an entire month.
While I appreciate the fact that you have been dressed in a black robe and told to "stay" in your seat, I plan to appeal this decision for obvious reasons. Also let the record show that Judge Spring Break Dog is now growling in my direction.
Murderman certainly has the right to be represented by a defense of his choosing, but we know nothing of this beautiful wizard. She has provided no paperwork to prove that she is even a lawyer at all. When asked to produce proof of her credentials, she simply shrugged and levitated the jury's seats, which caused them to laugh in awed delight.
Your honor, this behavior is simply unacceptable! I hereby request that you recuse yourself from this trial immediately.
Why? For starters, you lowered your neon framed sunglasses to ogle at the defendant's counsel while comically raising your eyebrows, then you tugged at the bandana around your neck and howled. That behavior is completely unacceptable. It has absolutely no place in a court of law.
In the rule book, article two clearly states that "maybe reality is a dream or a simulation, and anything you aren't directly looking at is just white space where nothing is actually happening at all" is not a valid defense.
Your honor, it was highly inappropriate for the defense to call for a moment of silence in which the entire courtroom should "consider all the ways Murderman probably didn't do it". Your suggestion to extend the moment of silence to ten minutes was equally inappropriate.
Objection! The beautiful wizard lawyer - who has yet to provide a name to the court - is blatantly studying an ancient scroll so that she may later cast a spell in this very room. At the top of the parchment in very clear calligraphy is the spell's name: Charm. At the bottom there is a diagram of a practitioner of magic casting a glamour over an entire jury.
Your honor, I do not question that the defendant has every right to legally change his name if he so chooses. This trial is simply not the appropriate venue to do so. I strongly suspect that his new name... Innocentman was it? Yes, there we are. Innocentman. I suspect that this is a subtle attempt to convince the jury of the defendant's innocence.
This evidence was not introduced properly in the discovery phase, and therefore we have had no time to prepare. Also, this so-called evidence is twenty pizza pies and they are simply being passed around for everyone in the courtroom to enjoy.
Frankly, I don't see how this is valid evidence at all. It certainly didn't seem right for the defense to suggest that we all give a round of applause to thank Murderman for the pizza.
Your honor, do I even have to point out that this witness is literally a puppet? Note how the beautiful wizard is asking questions to the puppet, then producing high-pitched answers out of the corner of her own mouth in reply. At the very least she should not be allowed to sit in the witness chair with a witness on her lap.
Your honor, in my twenty years of practicing law I have never heard jury instructions like those. "Be cool, party responsibly"? I know that's what you said because when you barked that's what appeared beneath you in the subtitles.
That's beside the point, your honor. Sending the jury to deliberate with twelve cases of Not Guilty Ale from a suspicious local brewery named This Is A Bribe demonstrates a complete disregard for the tradition of our justice system.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.