Until all is lost, it's our wig inventory holocaust! Everything in our warehouse must go or we're shipping all these wigs off to DEVIL'S ISLAND!!!! Devil's Island! Devil's Island! DEVVVIL'S IIIISLAND!!!!


Wig O' My Teeth

Cancer is a virtue eatin' you alive, look less like a rotten body for ninety-nine ninety-five! Your weakened cells degenerate into a gooey pool, if you don't buy this fucking wig then you are just a fool. No denying wig, it is just the best. Put it on your head before your next oncology test.

DNA replicates a nightmare host of death, slide on this wig and say hello to your final breath. Your worthless maggot baby friends gather round your bed, they all cry and you don't care why cuz you will soon be dead! DEeeeeaaaad!

Available in Hoarfrost, Raven's Night, Bloated Corpseflesh, and Psychic Hell Light.

Only $99.95!


The Assassin's Mark

This fucking wig will blow a dime-sized hole in your pretty little head. Are you ready? Infra-red intensity scope, cross hair on your face, arming warheads to extinguish the human fucking race. This is THE wig for killing. This is a killer's wig. Bloodlit psionic warriors will dance in your eyes. Witness your destruction and unleash your power of destruction on the world. It is time to fucking deeeeeeestroy!

Due to some miscommunication with our supplier we have triple our usual inventory of this wig. In order to liquidate our warehouse before our lease ends we have slashed the prices to the absolute lowest possible amount. We're losing money on this one.

Dave Mustaine's ex-girlfriend wore this wig twice (not specific wig).

Metal bottom $44.99


Hair Conjuring

By the wizard's bloody pentacle, did this hair be summoned from beyond the gates of forever? Nay, the demon's blood and black candle's wax does not call out to the ancient one. It's our TrueWeave blend of real, natural human hair and lifelike polymer strands. We match the hair to your head and create the exact solution to match your hairline and hair color, as though brought forth from hell by forgotten druids!

All of the ladies will want to join your infernal depths after one look at this natural hair loss solution. No chemicals or painful implants, just a professional custom-made wig.

Only for he of blackest heart!

$289.99 + fitting expenses


Wigotron

Part bionic, 100% organic. Feeling a little political? This is the perfect wig for your ruminations on the Cold War or just a blog argument with some fucking UN piece of shit fuck. Did you know Libya is on the Security Council? I mean what the fuck. Kaddafee himself, that terrorist piece of shit. Libya isn't a nation, it's a lie.

More like United Abominations. Or should I say Obamanations these days? Those guys are worthless and he is king worthless. He's just another tool in the machine. But don't fucking get me wrong, man, I don't know about all this Fox News BS because I don't trust any media. They are all on somebody's payroll, right? We've got to-

Ohhhhhh, fuck! The wigs, man. Shit. This wig fuckin' rules, dude. Look at that dude he would take some scalps from the groupie room if you know what I fucking mean. YEAAAAH!

Priced to move at $129.99

Dave Mustaine would like to personally thank you for over two decades of happy memories. We have been honored to serve the men's and women's wig communities for all these years. Thank you for making it a wild ride!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.