Come with me if you want to live.There are whispers among men, in the quiet dark of night, about a mysterious creature. Legendary, elusive, deadly. Womyn.
I am here to tell you that womyn are not legend. Womyn are not myth. Womyn are real, and they move among us. In the grocery store, in the post office, in your parent's house sitting next to your dad, womyn are everywhere. There are those experts who estimate that over half the population of our small blue Earth is now womyn. Hospitals around the globe daily report new tiny womyn who come out of the larger womyn as a form of genetic replacement. We cannot afford to ignore these facts. We must accept it.
But the outlook is not entirely dire! With proper attention and care, the existence of womyn can even be manipulated to our advantage. Something Is Awful Industries is today proud to present a brief guide on living in a post-womyn world, and how you can obtain your very own womyn.
First, gather only those branches that have fallen naturally from trees of no less than the height of eight grown men. Weave these branches together into a dome-shaped cage capable of providing the womyn room to roam about and make her terrible dances. Next, tidy up around the apartment. Buy a good aftershave lotion and trim your nose hairs. Procure a talisman.
Upon entering the fields of war, immediately be you on guard. You shall soon encounter phalanxes of womyn, flanked by their fierce and loyal protectors, the Ugly Gyrl and the Male Frynd. Beware the flames of their breath, brave reader. Beware their emerald hypnotic eyes. Wield the talisman. Buy beers for the Male Frynd. Mystify the womyn with gestures of great but subtle power. Pawn the Ugly Gyrl on your friend Steve. Thanks Steve.
Once cornered, a womyn emits the scent of panic which the aware may detect. If you notice the smell of dried roses and rotting flesh, then rejoice, for she is near o'erthrown. Compliment her shoes. Cast a net of dried seaweed and flax about her. Secretly indicate your groin with casual thrusting during the course of small conversation. Emit chemicals of a seductive nature.
By following these simple steps you will soon find yourself in possession of a womyn all of your own.
Beware of Womyn of a Certain Type
Keep your eyes peeled most carefully, attentive reader. There exist a certain type of womyn that possess two dreadful abilities, the second of which is their perverse tendency to secret themselves among the hordes of regular womyn. This permits them freedom to exercise the first of their abilities, that to spread dis-ease. These womyn carry within them dis-ease of the most incurable and dis-figuring kinds, and can pass it on with merely the briefest moment of physical contact.
Remember: Some womyn will serve to make your bed hot, but others are mere hotbeds...of DIS-EASE.
When first placed in her cage, a womyn is apt to make all classes of terrible yowls and moans. Ignore this. Clutch a talisman. Sooth her with lively whistles. Tell her there's a book in your bedroom that you'd like to show her. Indicate a door. Ask her if she'd like a drink. Place potent potions upon your genitals.
There are three stages to physical courtship of a womyn:
1. The stage of cooing.
2. The stage of roughing.
3. The stage of restful endearment.
Helpful advice: Womyn of all kinds appreciate a gift. Buy them items of extraordinary value. Present gifts in both hands, stretched fully from the body so as to avoid accidents. Some excellent gifts are:
1. A necklace shaped like a twelve-string guitar.
2. A framed photograph of yourself (signed).
3. A note promising items you never truthfully intend to give them.
If the womyn finds the gift acceptable she will make this known to her by billowing her hair out about her head like a mane, breathing chiefly through her nose, and making sounds such as "Thank you for the gift. This is nice." These tell you that the gift has performed its function, and may allow you to skip the stage of cooing altogether.
Having procured a womyn and fulfilled all levels and orders of physical pleasure, it is now time to consider the less obvious facets of the creature. There is a some chance that your womyn might have a vague sense of a independent life outside of her formidable powers over your mind and body. If such is the case, it is useless to attempt to stifle these expressions of her near limitless energies. Best to allow her the freedom to ejaculate her views and interests into the void of the universe, rather than let these simmer within her until achieving near deadly levels of fury.
In time, she may begin to exhibit behaviors such as taking on jobs, or entering politics, or writing in a secretive, feminine tongue, packaged in neon covers and indecipherable to the mortal eye. These are simply products of her nature, and should worry you not at all. Wasn't her strange and secret gnosis, that power just beyond your grasp, what attracted you to the noble creature womyn in the first place?
Womyn are mysterious creatures of awesome bearing. Good luck, dear reader.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.