This is what the internet looks like from space. It is so beautiful I am weeping.
Technology is amazing. Men have walked on the moon, we have bombs that can destroy whole cities, and I can download pornography on my telephone. I don't know where I would be without the technological marvels of the twenty-first century. Well, actually I would probably be right here in the same place, but I wouldn't have a keyboard so I would just be typing on my desk and people would think I am crazy. Luckily for me I do have a keyboard, and we all have improved our lives thanks to the many technological developments over the last few decades. It amazes me that many people do not realize this and still cling to the outdated relics of the past. I am told that I should appreciate "Mother Nature" and "God's creations." I don't really understand why, since everything I can think of that I value was created by men. These things include:
I have no idea where I would be without the internet. It is a wonderful, magnificent creation that truly shows off man's ability to find more and more way to sell things to people that don't need things. Pop up ads and spam emails are the best examples of this, and I am awed every time I discover a new and creative way someone has found to abuse this format. My computer may be broadcasting an IP Address? Uh oh! Porn found on my computer? Oh no! What would my parents think!? A Nigerian diplomat would like to transfer millions of dollars to my bank account? Sure!
The life of a person-who-sometimes-writes-for-a-humor-website is a very stressful one, and I find it relaxing to be able escape into a fantasy world from time to time. Unfortunately, when I do this people get hurt and the policemen shout at me and so I mostly just play video games now. My favorites include Barbie Pony Rider and Barbie Pony Rider Extreme. Sometimes I like to play something a little more violent, like Pac-Man, but my therapists tell me it is not a good idea.
Hungry Man Microwavable MealsThey are happy because the tree is growing money and so they are dancing.
I would be lost without my Hungry Man. Sometimes the trouble of turning on the oven or driving to Wendy's is just too much, and by "sometimes" of course I mean "every night". Luckily I can throw a Hungry Man into the microwave for ten minutes and I have a delicious hot meal all ready. Sure it may taste like expired dog food and be about as healthy as eating glass, but at least I don't have to worry about preheating my oven or finding a clean plate.
Credit cards are amazing. They have the miraculous ability to create money where there is none, asking for nothing in return. They are like your own personal money-growing trees, without the need to water them or care for them or perform other troublesome and time consuming tasks. I am starting a collection of credit cards and one day hope to have a whole metaphoric forest of beautiful blossoming currency trees. I cannot see where it can go wrong.
If you did not realize the true magnificence that science can bring to the world before reading this article, then I am sure you understand it now. I am also sure that you share with me the utter bafflement I feel when trying to comprehend how people can hold so highly things that were not created by man and do not even require AA Batteries. I am often told by my mother, a crazy person, that I need to "appreciate nature." Sure mom, let's see what there is to appreciate.
TreesYou think you're so clever. Stupid duck.
I don't understand trees. They just stand there all day, swaying a little in the wind, acting all high and mighty. What did you ever do for me, tree? Oh, I suppose sometimes you give us logs. Well thank you tree, a log! Just what I have always wanted! Sheesh. Stupid tree, waving your leaves around and trapping cats in your branches. You can't even talk.
When I was small I lived on a farm. We had a duck, and one day we wanted to eat him. So my mother took him into a shed and broke his neck. My mother then set him down onto a table, which he promptly jumped off and ran out of the open door. We didn't try and eat him again. He would spend all day sitting next to a dirty puddle, staring at his muddied reflection and his only friend. Every time I saw him it broke my heart, I knew he was not right. One day he died, but nobody noticed for about a week. Congratulations on another great success, Mother Nature.
The SunThis picture is more interesting than Belgium.
Other than when it attacks us and tries to destroy the earth with giant solar flares of white-hot burning gas, I never really notice the sun. To be honest I am not sure what it really does, I guess it must have some purpose though. It is only on during the daytime anyway, that's only fifty-percent of the time. Not very efficient, if you ask me. I remember an episode of The Thunderbirds where two of them were in a spaceship and the sun almost killed them. That's right, the sun tried to kill International Rescue. Did you know they are making a Thunderbirds movie? Crazy stuff.
When I think of Australia, I think of kangaroos and beer. When I think of Japan, I think of Godzilla and terrible hentai porn. When I think of Belgium, I don't think of anything at all. Of all the countries in the world, I think Belgium must be the most pointless. Exports? None. Landscape? Flat. Culture? Schmulture! At first I thought they had windmills, but I think that is Holland. Belgium's capital city is Brussels. It is well named, for Belgium is to interesting countries as the brussel sprout is to fine cuisine.
I have lived in Arizona for almost two years, and I hate it. In my time here I have discovered that everything in the desert is either dead, or trying to make things dead. The scorpions sting you, the cacti spike you, the rattlesnakes bite you, the heat burns you, and the Mexicans stab you and steal your car. It never rains, except for two days of the year when God decides it's a great idea to drop the equivalent of the entire volume of the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans combined onto a few hundred square miles. This causes numerous problems including flooding, rivers where roads should be, and cars where boats should be.
I think I have proven my point. If anyone disagrees with me you are wrong, but feel free to drop me an e-mail. It is unlikely that I will receive much hate mail because hippies are always too stoned to figure out how to use something as simple as a faucet, let alone the internet. I am trying to finish writing this article as quickly as possible because I was just sent via email an amazing opportunity to please her more in the bedroom. Now all I need is a "her", but I am sure the internet can help me with that!
I was betrayed by the bernio bros, the cougars, and this guy from back page I hired to keep me from jumping out a window at the DNC.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.