You fell down a well.
Attribute Decreased: Life Expectancy (-1)
A freshman classmate asks you to help him move into a new apartment. You have a big test tomorrow. Do you:
(A) Stay home and study.
(B) Help him move.
You help the freshman move. While unloading boxes in his new apartment, you step into a walk-in closet and something catches your eye. It's a hidden compartment! Inside you find a mummy and kiss it on the mummy lips. The freshman catches you in the act and kicks you out, then tells everyone at school about your mummy smooching ways.
Attribute Decreased: Popularity (-3)
You have your best practice to date. Every handoff is successful, half your carries are good for first downs, and you score three touchdowns. This earns you 5 points. You only need 35 more points to move up in the depth chart and become the sixth-string running back!
Attribute Decreased: Uselessness (-1)
You join a group of your teammates for a friendly game of basketball. Your team wins and you have a great time, but your decision to wear a lobster bib doesn't go over well with the guys. You try to explain how the bib is standard basketball attire in the midwest where you grew up, but this only serves to anger a few of your teammates.
Attribute Enhanced: Hateability (+1)
While talking to the coach after a play, you mistakenly call him "Coach Asshole". Coach Dickhole becomes furious and demotes you further. You are now a second-string Kicker.
Attribute Decreased: Public Speaking (-10)
A group of your classmates (including a girl you're interested in) shows up to your dorm and asks if you'd like to go see a movie. Do you:
(A) Agree to come along.
(B) Tell them sorry, you need to study.
You agree to come along. The group is can't decide which movie to see, and they ask you to act as the tiebreaker. Will you see:
(A) An action-packed blockbuster.
(B) A hilarious comedy.
(C) A blood-curdling horror flick.
(D) A foreign tear-jerker.
You choose the horror flick, hoping that the girl you like will shield her eyes from the movie's scarier scenes by burying her face in your slightly muscular shoulder. No one can decide what sort of snacks to eat during the movie. Should they smuggle in:
You choose burgers because you've been burgin' all week. As you grab your coat, the group disperses, leaving you standing alone in your doorway. It was just a joke. They weren't going to the movies.
Attribute Enhanced: Unnecessary Coat Retreival (+1)
The first game of the season is here! Your team is facing the dreaded Western Kentucky Hilltoppers.
Simulating game until a play that involves you...
You aren't called in for any plays, and are actually mistaken for a mascot by the crowd due to your oversized head and the distance that the coach keeps between you and the rest of the team, lest you spread whatever it is that's wrong with you. Every time you react to a play on the field, the fans laugh and cheer at your head. Florida defeats Western Kentucky 80-0.
Attribute Enhanced: Head Size Awareness (+2)
You show up at the field for practice, but Sunday is your team's day off. In a dizzying sequence of events, you wander into a herd of cows in a nearby field and are then trucked off to a slaughterhouse. Your death goes unnoticed until a month later when your quarterback bites into a burger and tastes mummy.
Attribute Enhanced: Callback (+1)
Star Wars fan speculation has been swirling about the source of female ejaculation. The answers might finally be coming with the Last Jedi.
Lean in close to your screen. Inhale deeply. Does this guide give off a cloyingly sour odor? Then it is likely the genuine article.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.