This article is part of the News Magazine of the Computer Screen series.
The stalwart little rovers roaming about the Red Planet have found life - and stopped it from invading Earth! The twin rovers both simultaneously discovered strange and mysterious creatures, formless and undoubtedly evil, living on rocks. Using motorized arms, they beat the tenacious monsters to death with parasols.
No white flag for the Martians! They haven't the life with which to raise one! Next up for the little rovers: more exploring! Godspeed, robot friends!
Fearful citizens were left biting their knuckles and howling when crazed lunatic Jerry Albertson took to the skies in his homemade balloon, a strange device that scoffs rudely at the rules of the air. Albertson soared over Billings, Montana for three straight hours, terrifying women and children, angering the elderly, and giving honest men nightmares.
A small mob hurled apples at the balloon, but it was too high up and the ones that made it to Jerry were returned as cores.
"Thanks for the apples" taunts the avian-man through a bullhorn.
His balloon hovered an incredible 30 feet above earth, giving him an optimum view of the world below and a prying eye into the lives of ordinary men and women. "I can see everything" yelled the pervert to the entire world.
Justice arrived like the wind! A strong gust threatened his dominion, and so he lowered an anchor to the ground. When he landed, a mob of angry citizens beat him to death and burned his balloonstrosity to ash.
What goes up must come down. Eh, Jerry?
A mysterious extravaganza is being organized in every city and every town, all throughout the country by an unknown company from an unknown land. All of America has been mobilized and citizens everywhere are waiting with bated breath to watch exotic jugglers, fire breathers, lion tamers, watch setters, sword eaters, and hog lifters show off their talents under the big top! The tent housing this event stretches from the eastern states all the way to the tip of Alaska. Hawaii, too, is enjoying the spectacle with the aid of a smaller tent connected by way of a wooden walkway to the mainland.
What say you America? Time for a little fun? These smiling people seem to think so!
This has been a presentation of the SA REEL SERVICE NEWS MAGAZINE of the COMPUTER SCREEN!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Amazing, sensational NEWS REEL stories for the INTERNET AGE!