|COLSON:||So how do you get a dream out of it once it's caught in there?|
|PRESIDENT:||I don't know for sure. Liddy said he dosed himself on that formula 7 the CIA was working on to crack KGB agents and he surrounded himself with the dreamcatchers, so they should be fully charged.|
|KISSINGER:||Perhaps if we place them on our faces and sleep ourselves we can read the dreams into our own dreams.|
|PRESIDENT:||Rose Mary, could you have Pete bring in the cots and blankets and, uh, put a pan of milk on the stove in the galley.|
|COLSON:||Now hang on, what if this is a pure Liddy dream? I don't think any of us is prepared for that. Might be our own mothers' faces melting into skulls and laughing babies and calliope music.|
|KISSINGER:||This is a good point. I once opened a composition book on Mr. Liddy's desk and I saw an illustration of my own genitalia and shame hole drawn to exacting detail.|
|PRESIDENT:||Shame hole? I like that. For your bung holes?|
|PRESIDENT:||That's good. Rose Mary, forget the cots, get Buchanan on the phone and tell him to use "shame hole" in the next State of the Union.|
|COLSON:||What do you want to do about these, Mr. President?|
|PRESIDENT:||About my shame holes?|
|KISSINGER:||About the dreamcatchers.|
|PRESIDENT:||Right, uh, yes, can't let the North Vietnamese get their hands on these.|
|COLSON:||We could restrict them with interstate commerce.|
|PRESIDENT:||We still need to figure out what sort of secrets they can hold. I dream, uh, I have a lot of erotic dreams that could be dangerous if they fall into the wrong hands.|
|PRESIDENT:||My dreams? Arnold Palmer wrestling in oil and wearing a wool singlet. Healthy sorts of fantasies. But, uh, they can take a dark turn. Checkers (unintelligible).|
|KISSINGER:||We require a guinea pig. Someone to extract Liddy's dreams and determine precisely how these work.|
|COLSON:||You can count me out.|
|KISSINGER:||I do not have the constitution for the task.|
|PRESIDENT:||Rose Mary, uh, could you bring a cot in here. (Unintelligible) Yes, and the warm milk. And would you mind taking some of that liquid in the eyedropper Gordon Liddy left on the filing cabinet out there next to that strange skull. Just put a few drops under your tongue.|
|PRESIDENT:||She's not, uh, she's not buying it anyway.|
|COLSON:||We need to find someone much stupider. Somebody who will do anything you tell them to.|
|PRESIDENT:||Rose Mary, could you get Don Rumsfeld on the phone?|
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.