• It was too early earlier but now it is too late.
  • Every joint on my body has rusted stiff from years of sitting idle--seriously, my knees need lubed up like the Tin Man each morning.
  • I am the human equivalent of a blown out Lay-Z-Boy, so why would anyone expect me to suddenly be all Bow-Flex?
  • There is a 15% chance of rain, and no way can I reach my true athleticism in soggy sneakers.
  • I'm still working on the "BEFORE" picture of my body so that my "AFTER" picture is even more amazing.
  • There are only a few parking spots at the gym and I can't parallel park.
  • The people at the gym are really attractive, so I'll be too focused on their imaginary insults to actually work out.
  • I haven't exercised in so long I don't even remember where or how. Are there youtube tutorials?
  • The people at the gym are equally or more ugly that I and, I know it's not PC, but I find that very offensive.
  • I walked all the way out to my car before realizing I forgot my keys at my desk, so by the time I got back inside to get them my ambition was pretty much toast.
  • PokemonGo counts for something, right?
  • I want to workout, but I haven't eaten yet and so I'll have to eat and digest first, but all I have is one enormous slice of German Chocolate cake.
  • I'm above the need to pretend physical exertion for the sake of attracting a mate.
  • When I wear socks the hairs on my toes get pushed in the wrong direction and that sort of hurts, and I really don't think it's fair for you to expect me to suffer through that.

  • I'm from a long line of lazy bums, and I have no reason to reject my heritage now.
  • How about instead of working out I only drink light beer for a week?
  • I have the lungs of that monkey who smoked a pack a day. Aerobics are a literal death sentence.
  • All my gym clothes are crumpled into a dirty, salt-encrusted ball in the corner of my bathroom. It's been two weeks, and there is little hope of laundry progress.
  • Even the thought of getting sweat in my eyes triggers me.
  • I'm too embarrassed. Of everything. My body is a cruel joke.
  • It's also too hot to leave the comfort of my own couch.
  • I wanted to be hydrated, but I think I drank too much water and now I'm weak.
  • At one point I was going to workout, but I'm just going to look at a bunch thinspo jpgs instead.
  • I'm actually trying to gain weight so that when I actually try to lose weight I'll have more heft to carry around. It'll be like wearing a pair of dumbbells around my waist at all times. Future me will love the challenge.
  • I thought I worked out yesterday and while that is incorrect I've already resigned my body to laziness and I can't take it back.
  • For lunch I ate a huge bag of White Castle. I will never again foolishly workout after such a meal. No toilet can handle that.
  • My body is pretty much a Frankenstein's Monster of failure: I've got the leg strength of a 60 year old, the internal organs of an alcoholic, and the brain of, well, my brain is my brain, but it's not very good. Put that all together and you get a walking failure with a gluten allergy.
  • I went to the store to buy healthy things to help me run, but accidentally ate a tube of cookie dough.
  • Tomorrow.
  • I helped a friend move furniture, and if I do anything physical my back will probably crumble from the repeated pressure.
  • Look, I've been on this planet for thousands of days-is one more spent sitting on my ass going to be the breaking point? Doubt it.
  • My sweat smells like Lake Erie and I don't want to exert myself until I get it checked out.


  • Hmm, taxes are due in 9 months. I better get a head start on those instead.
  • Stubbed my toe last night-still sore. Better play it safe and sit out.
  • At this time of day it's just the bros working out, and I'm more of a hipster gym rat.
  • I heard that people in Paris eat heavy food and drink wine and never exercise but still look fine, so I'm just going to somehow do that too from now on.
  • I tell people that I am too busy but I think they know the truth.
  • With the Olympics just around the corner, me attempting to run a mile (and let's be honest, it's more running the straights and walking the curves) would be a humiliation to the sport of track and field.
  • I'm going to focus on videogames really hard and hope to burn some calories that way.
  • I don't want to.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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