Every joint on my body has rusted stiff from years of sitting idle--seriously, my knees need lubed up like the Tin Man each morning.
I am the human equivalent of a blown out Lay-Z-Boy, so why would anyone expect me to suddenly be all Bow-Flex?
There is a 15% chance of rain, and no way can I reach my true athleticism in soggy sneakers.
I'm still working on the "BEFORE" picture of my body so that my "AFTER" picture is even more amazing.
There are only a few parking spots at the gym and I can't parallel park.
The people at the gym are really attractive, so I'll be too focused on their imaginary insults to actually work out.
I haven't exercised in so long I don't even remember where or how. Are there youtube tutorials?
The people at the gym are equally or more ugly that I and, I know it's not PC, but I find that very offensive.
I walked all the way out to my car before realizing I forgot my keys at my desk, so by the time I got back inside to get them my ambition was pretty much toast.
PokemonGo counts for something, right?
I want to workout, but I haven't eaten yet and so I'll have to eat and digest first, but all I have is one enormous slice of German Chocolate cake.
I'm above the need to pretend physical exertion for the sake of attracting a mate.
When I wear socks the hairs on my toes get pushed in the wrong direction and that sort of hurts, and I really don't think it's fair for you to expect me to suffer through that.
I'm from a long line of lazy bums, and I have no reason to reject my heritage now.
How about instead of working out I only drink light beer for a week?
I have the lungs of that monkey who smoked a pack a day. Aerobics are a literal death sentence.
All my gym clothes are crumpled into a dirty, salt-encrusted ball in the corner of my bathroom. It's been two weeks, and there is little hope of laundry progress.
Even the thought of getting sweat in my eyes triggers me.
I'm too embarrassed. Of everything. My body is a cruel joke.
It's also too hot to leave the comfort of my own couch.
I wanted to be hydrated, but I think I drank too much water and now I'm weak.
At one point I was going to workout, but I'm just going to look at a bunch thinspo jpgs instead.
I'm actually trying to gain weight so that when I actually try to lose weight I'll have more heft to carry around. It'll be like wearing a pair of dumbbells around my waist at all times. Future me will love the challenge.
I thought I worked out yesterday and while that is incorrect I've already resigned my body to laziness and I can't take it back.
For lunch I ate a huge bag of White Castle. I will never again foolishly workout after such a meal. No toilet can handle that.
My body is pretty much a Frankenstein's Monster of failure: I've got the leg strength of a 60 year old, the internal organs of an alcoholic, and the brain of, well, my brain is my brain, but it's not very good. Put that all together and you get a walking failure with a gluten allergy.
I went to the store to buy healthy things to help me run, but accidentally ate a tube of cookie dough.
I helped a friend move furniture, and if I do anything physical my back will probably crumble from the repeated pressure.
Look, I've been on this planet for thousands of days-is one more spent sitting on my ass going to be the breaking point? Doubt it.
My sweat smells like Lake Erie and I don't want to exert myself until I get it checked out.
Hmm, taxes are due in 9 months. I better get a head start on those instead.
Stubbed my toe last night-still sore. Better play it safe and sit out.
At this time of day it's just the bros working out, and I'm more of a hipster gym rat.
I heard that people in Paris eat heavy food and drink wine and never exercise but still look fine, so I'm just going to somehow do that too from now on.
I tell people that I am too busy but I think they know the truth.
With the Olympics just around the corner, me attempting to run a mile (and let's be honest, it's more running the straights and walking the curves) would be a humiliation to the sport of track and field.
I'm going to focus on videogames really hard and hope to burn some calories that way.