"Say your goodbyes, dear friends. I am about to embark upon my journey to God's great waiting penis. I mean arms. Waiting arms."
- Sigmund Freud
1856 - 1939
"Don't you worry about me, soldiers. Our dimwitted savage guide wove me this special arrow-proof vest! Good luck getting out of here alive without one, suckers. Haha."
- General George A. Custer
1839 - 1876
"Man, this hurts! It does not feel good! It feels... bad! Please, have my ghost writer to come up with some gooder last words for me instead of mine."
- Oscar Wilde
1854 - 1900
"I'm sick of waving. A parade tomorrow too? Great. I need one of those like I need another hole in my... I dunno, swiss cheese collection."
- John F. Kennedy
1917 - 1963
"It's-a so cold and dark in this-a infinite void! This is-a not Heaven at all! I don't-a want to go! Hee Hee!"
1981 - 2007
"All I ask is that you honor my passing by... *urk* having people I barely knew rap over my songs and... *khaf khaf* cash in on my memory for like the next thirty years. Do this in my name... (loses consciousness momentarily) and my life will have been meaningful."
- Biggie Smalls
1972 - 1997
"I drank what? No, seriously, what is this hemlock of which you speak? It was pretty good. If you can put me into contact with your supplier I think we could make a fortune on this stuff."
469 BC - 399 BC
"You've done an excellent job preparing the clones, Mortorro. I thank you for your galaxy's service, and leave you now for whatever may await me on the shores of the afterlife. Kinch' mala schaveel!"
- Dick Clark
1929 - 1972
"Woah, is that volcano active? I'm gonna fly in for a closer look. Wait, I can't! the controls are stuck! We're on a collision course with the sun!"
- Amelia Earhart
1897 - 1937
"You guys have to be kidding. Right in my family plot? That's the first place they'll look."
- Jimmy Hoffa
1913 - 1975
"Police Acadamy has been a great experience, but I think it's time to branch out into other creative outlets."
- Steve Guttenberg
1958 - 1987
"No, I won't take the hat off. Oh yeah? Well maybe you should have thought about that before you bought those seats. Jackass."
- Abraham Lincoln
1809 - 1865
"Something's behind me, you say? No... I don't see anything there. Just the wall and a picture that's sort of crooked. Oh, and a shadow that looks kinda like you, only pointing a gun. Man, shadows are weird."
- Billy The Kid
1860 - 1881
"I know the underwear are a strange shade of green, Lois, but I'll be damned if they aren't comfortable. I'm wearing them and that's that. Why does everything involving my 'area' have to be a big fight with you?"
- Clark Kent
1938 - 1993 - 2012
"I'll come in to the pits on the next lap, chief. Just give me one minute. I'm going to get rid of this dragonfly on my hood once and for all."
- Dale Earnhardt
1951 - 2001
"Relax, will you? It's just a bunch of well-dressed hunters. Let's see what they want."
- Clyde Barrow
1909 - 1934
"Okay, 'Step Two - While being careful to turn the safety off, make sure there is no live ammunition in the chamber before cleaning'. How the heck am I supposed to look in the barrel and push the safety in at the same time? I swear my next project is going to be a manual for this damn thing that actually makes sense."
- Ernest Hemingway
1899 - 1961
"A bone in my shrimp! *choking sounds* How...?"
- Colonel Sanders
1890 - 1980
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
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