Voting is a time for the nation to come together and decide exciting things!In around 24 hours voters from seven states will begin casting their primary ballots to decide who the Democratic Presidential Nominee will be for 2004. Voters in Arizona, Delaware, Missouri, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oklahoma, and South Carolina will cram their bloated carcasses into voting booths and pick from a list of names both vaguely familiar and not familiar at all. Something Awful's cub reporter Tom "moof" Davies has already covered the various candidates in detail, but I will provide a quick recap of the now narrowed field of candidates.
John Kerry - A junior Senator, war hero, and droopy faced bore. His electrifying monotone has energized his campaign since the New Hampshire primary. Probably a corrupt Washington fat cat, he's the front runner and polling strong in simulated elections thanks to his impressive "I'm not President Bush" platform. In other news I just beat out "getting stabbed in the neck" as America's favorite ice cream flavor with my highly popular "I won't stab you in the neck" platform.
Howard Dean - A doctor, a former governor, and he almost definitely wants to break your fucking face with a haymaker. He's the candidate for people who are really mad at President Bush and aren't afraid to say it. Secretly, most people are mad at President Bush but are more afraid of Dean coming to their house and executing a vertical suplex on their children.
John Edwards - Television psychic who can speak to dead people. His show was recently cancelled and he decided to affect a southern accent and run for president. Referred to as the "Breck Girl" by screeching conservative radio hosts. May have something to do with the Senate, I don't know for certain.
Wesley Clark - Retired general and war hero, his bulging eyes and insincere speeches give him all of the charisma of a mantis about to strike. Clark's intelligent prose and casual demeanor as a TV commentator translated into a presidential campaign about as sharp as a barrel full of marbles. While he's gaffing his way to the lowest corner in the room and tracing the curves of cars you can set your watch to his plummeting poll numbers.I'm sure Lieberman has something to say about not eating the cat! Joseph Lieberman - Pro-censorship, pro-war, pro-Patriot Act, pro-anything-the-Republicans-might-be-for, Lieberman belongs in the pages of "The Elders of Zion", not on the Democratic presidential campaign trail. His frequent and terrible jokes have managed to win over the support of a powerful voting block that consists entirely of people who laugh until they cry at Hallmark cards. His other winning traits include looking exactly like the dad from Alf and having unstoppable Joementum.
Al Sharpton - Civil rights activist and legal opportunist, Al Sharpton is basically a slightly more charismatic and much wittier Jesse Jackson. Much like Jackson he's running for president so he can gain support for African-American issues in the democratic party. After over three years of total conservative government domination that's a little bit like reserving space in steerage right after the Titanic hits the iceberg.
Dennis Kucinich - Dennis Kucinich is a humble and well-spoken intellectual who appeals to the sensibilities, issues, and hopes of truly liberal America. That means he has about as much chance in the primary as a burlap sack full of organ meat thrown into a crocodile pit. If he somehow got the nomination of the Democratic Party I would expect Kucinich to draw an impressive 2-3% of the voting public.
In much the same way that my cat stares at the TV when it hears meowing I have been closely following this primary process. I am extremely excited about the primary votes that will be taking place on Tuesday as the drunkards, rapists, and cowards in the seven previously mentioned states will likely get to pick who the Democratic nominee will be. For the first time since the March Madness pool was banned at the hog lubricating factory their opinions will actually mean something. No, I'm not bitter because Illinois basically has no role in determining the nominee, not at all.
To help readers understand this important phase of the primary I have conducted detailed polling of the seven states to accurately predict a winner. This survey helped me get a feel for what issues the voters in a given state were concerned about, who they favored as a candidate, and who they absolutely hated.
Clark's comments about Mercury are just one of many unfortunate statements the candidate has made to hurt his polling numbers.Important Issues: The most pressing issue for 76% of registered democrats in Arizona is the recent feud the state has had with the planet Mercury. Voters are particularly upset over comments from Mercury's Supreme Leader Hank as relayed by Arizona's Governor Janet Napolitano including his most recent allegations that "everyone in Tucson is a fag". Arizona legislators have long demanded action against Mercury but have found a congress and senate unwilling to release the Arizona National Guard from its duties and allow it to mount a space-borne invasion of Mercury.
Other voters in Arizona are concerned with the quality of the air in the state, particularly in the region surrounding the constantly burning Lake Effluent. The lake has been combusting without pause for the past three years and is visible from the International Space Station as an eerie green glow near Yuma. It is also widely believed that the lake's intoxicating and potentially fatal vapor clouds are responsible for the state's recent rash of unexplained teen pregnancies that result in perfectly spherical fetuses. It is suspected that chemical dumping from the Sunny Groves Farms High Density Polymer Acres facility near Lake Effluent may be responsible for the rash of so-called "ball babies".
Who They Favor: Voters in Arizona have voiced strong support in preliminary polls for Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean, who has promised to disarm some 48 Titan II ICBMs located in Arizona and release the booster portion to the National Guard there for use as space transports.
Who They Hate: Retired General Wesley Clark has fallen sharply in Arizona polls since he announced early last week that Mercury's surface temperature precludes any possible life. In a gaffe that was replayed incessantly, Clark was confronted by several dozen Bomb Mercury Now advocates and replied "are you people all crazy?! The surface temperature of Mercury is 350 degrees Celsius during the day and the planet has no atmosphere!" Since then a number of papers and prominent Arizonians have suggested links between Mercury's Supreme Leader Hank and General Clark and a joint study released by the Cato Institute and the Heritage Foundation indicated that it is almost twice as hot on Venus and life has flourished there.
Predicted Winner: John Kerry
Important Issues: Citizens of Delaware have long believed that their state is quite possibly the most frequently forgotten state in the union and would like to do something to change this. Since 1987 a growing movement within Delaware has advocated changing the state's name from "Delaware" to "Aadelaware" so that it appears first in alphabetical lists of US states. Even worse, of the mere 8% of the population that can remember that Delaware actually exists, only 14% know that the state's capital is Dover. To rectify this problem the state's capital will be relocated to the tiny timber hamlet of Fucking Awesome in the north east corner of Aadelaware.
Who They Favor: While the major candidates have all campaigned hard in Delaware on the issue of changing the state's name, only local candidate Hubert Knox has also advocated relocating the state government to Fucking Awesome.
Who They Hate: The five or six hundred people who live in Delaware and are not white-power luddites living in wooden dugouts in a forest are deeply concerned with Dennis Kucinich's "shifty rat eyes".
Predicted Winner: John Kerry
MissouriKerry has campaigned hard to win the Re-Animator vote.Important Issues: Since the collapse of the river-going steamboat industry in the late 19th century hundreds of thousands of Missourians have been forced out of work. The steamboat industry's collapse brought with it the failure of dozens of ancillary businesses like the calliope industry and model steamboat manufacturing interests. Shiftless and subsisting on welfare, the hordes of out of work steamboat captains, river-going brass bands, and other displaced workers have lobbied for generations to bring steamboats back into vogue on the rivers of the United States. The most important issue facing Missourians today is federal subsidies for steamboat construction, operation, and marketing.
Who They Favor: Senator John Kerry won over voters in Missouri four days ago when he gave a stump speech in St. Louis that compared his experiences in Vietnam to the failure of the steamboat industry. "As I pulled Max Cleland from the muck, his limbs blown off and spurting blood, I wondered if he would ever again have the chance to hear that steam calliope he loved so much. I swore on that day to make sure he did, but we came home to a nation torn apart by civil unrest and conflict, a nation without steamboats. This administration has turned its back on working-class steamboat families and handed the rivers over to special interests and corporations like Halliburton. I promise to take America back to the grandeur of the floating palaces of the 1860s, only without the slavery and with even bigger steamboats. You all know that the steamboats have been working for America, it's time to make America work for the steamboats!"
Who They Hate: Senator John Edwards has mentioned that he gets seasick and refused to even board an immobilized steamboat casino. While attending a rally in Lee's Summit, onlookers hurled tomatoes at him that had been carved into very rough approximations of steamboats.
Predicted Winner: John Kerry
Important Issues: In 1971 an eight foot high polished black monolith appeared overnight in the Land of Enchantment and soon thereafter began emitting a constant low-frequency tone. Audible throughout the entire state of New Mexico the tone has unified politics by creating an atmosphere of cooperation and brotherhood. Every man, woman, and child in New Mexico has spent every waking hour building a vast 50 mile wide metal docking array in the desert. They have also stockpiled thousands of tons of precious metals and gems in a warehouse complex adjacent to the docking array. The purposes of this array are totally unknown to outsiders, but even a brief visit to New Mexico can make people fall in love with the idea of such intense camaraderie. Unwary truckers, tourists, and passengers and crew on aircraft flying over New Mexico have disappeared only to turn up days later working tirelessly on the array.
Who They Favor: So far all of the candidates except for the Reverend Al Sharpton have visited New Mexico and declared "the tone is correct, the tone is all". When polled all respondents had "highly favorable" reactions to all candidates other than Al Sharpton, who polled as "neutral".
Who They Hate: There is no hate inside the tone.
Predicted Winner: John Kerry
North DakotaDean's special relationship with dragons has not won him many fans in North Dakota.Important Issues: North Dakota hates South Dakota and wants permission to annex South Dakota using armed militia and expel all South Dakotans from their land to an island in the Pacific that will be renamed Far West Dakota. Also a prime issue among North Dakotans is that their school system currently ranks 57th in the nation behind the Northern Mariana Islands. Education has become so bad in North Dakota that graduating high school seniors can count, on average, to four and can spell seven words (including the indefinite article "a" and their own name) although they don't know that and assume they can spell four words. In 2002 North Dakota's Governor John Hoeven wrote an appeal to President George W. Bush to increase federal grants for education to the state. The letter read: "John want coin police". President George W. Bush misinterpreted Hoeven's heartfelt plea and budgeted 9.6 billion dollars for national missile defense in 2003.
Who They Favor: North Dakota is head over heels for Al Sharpton. Having never seen a black man in person before and unable to operate a television set or computer because of the poor educational standards in the state, the populace believes Sharpton to be a wizard. Many intend to vote for Sharpton in the hopes that he can cast a powerful spell to ward off the "metal dragons" that have been marauding across the "stone rivers" of North Dakota.
Who They Hate: Howard Dean has a crude bounty out on him in North Dakota following an incident Thursday when he accidentally referred to an audience as "South Dakotans". When Dean fled from the angry mob in his bus he managed to horrify them by "riding inside the dragons" and has since been referred to as Dragonsinger.
Predicted Winner: John Kerry
Important Issues: Oklahoma has a population density of two people per square mile. This dispersion of population is such a problem that often families of three or four people live in sprawling factory-like houses that cover several square miles. For decades Oklahoma has been requesting a reduction in its borders so that it can actually form at least one significant urban area. While some would point to Oklahoma City as an urban area, Oklahoma City is actually the name given to Bernard Schubert's family ranch where he and eight other family members live. Long believed to be part of a right-wing anti-government attack, the bombing of Oklahoma City was actually part of a long-standing feud between the Schuberts and the McVeighs.
Who They Favor: Polling in Oklahoma is notoriously unreliable, but early results indicate that the Schubert family will be voting for Wesley Clark and the McVeigh family for "whoever hates Clark the most".
Who They Hate: When asked which candidate they hated the most, the Schubert family asked "who did those McVeigh bastards reckon they liked?" and then insisted "whoever it was, that's who we hate". The McVeigh family was much more definite and stated "we ain't giving up until Clark, Schubert, and all of them O'Barly girls is run out of town". When asked to clarify, the McVeigh patriarch referred to the "town" of Oklahoma and accused the O'Barly girls of stealing his best milk cow.
Predicted Winner: John Kerry
Important Issues: Almost one quarter of South Carolina's population is African American and nearly three-quarters of South Carolina's population wants to kill African Americans. In a poll conducted by Zogby, 23% of South Carolina's population supported giving African Americans the right to vote and own property, 56% supported shipping them either back to Africa or to Far West Dakota, and 9% were strongly in favor of mandatory sterilization programs. The remaining 12% were unable to respond because they were working in the cotton field and didn't want to waste their two minute water break talking to Zogby pollsters. Other than the deportation or racial extermination of blacks in South Carolina, the main issue facing the state is whether or not to adopt a state flag feature a picture of country singer Toby Keith and replacing the state song with Keith's "Courtesy Of The Red, White And Blue (The Angry American)".
Who They Favor: The majority of registered Democrats we spoke to in South Carolina intend to write in George W. Bush as their preferred candidate with a slightly smaller minority supporting Toby Keith. Among the Democratic frontrunners Edwards has a small foothold among Democratic voters while Al Sharpton has made major inroads with African Americans in South Carolina. Despite strong support from South Carolina's blacks, Sharpton is not expected to perform well in the final tally thanks to ruthless poll taxes.
Who They Hate: South Carolinian "state's rights activists" somehow affixed a 10-foot tall freestanding burning cross to the front window of Al Sharpton's bus. Lieberman is not well liked in South Carolina either and found a number of his rallies attended by uniformed members of the National Socialist party.
Predicted Winner: John Kerry
If my predictions are wrong I solemnly promise to retire from the political analysis arena until such a time as I once again run dry of ideas and feel forced to comment on politics. Unlike every politician since ever I intend to keep my promises!
Dr. Thorpe's Awards Extravaganza
Dr. David Thorpe returns this week from an extended "vacation," and he's as eager as ever to thrust his vitriol on an unsuspecting public. This being his first column of 2004, Dr. Thorpe will be giving out awards to the worst music of the year: Something Awful is proud to present the first annual World's Greatest Dad Awards! Don't ask.
Imagine "Everybody Hurts" as collectively written and performed by a seventh grade remedial English class. I don't know who or what convinced Good Charlotte that they were capable of plumbing the emotional depths required to effectively discuss suicide, since even they must know what affected, talentless, inarticulate retardates they are. It's lucky for them that their judgment so severely lapsed, because the results of their colossal failure have won them not only the Crappiest Alternative Band award, but also the Most Unintentionally Hilarious Song of All Time award.
We invite you to walk down the red carpet and enter Dr. Thorpe's auditorium of malice for a gala awards spectacular that you'll never forget. Also, he takes so cheap shots and Insane Clown Posse; that should be good enough for most people.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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