As the fuse hisses towards the bomb of America, this week has demonstrated that Washington is full of Jack Bauers ready to kick in doors and do whatever it takes to save our country. These warriors of the republic are responsible, clashing in respectful battles of ideas over how to better safeguard America's precious future. These bold, innovative ideas are so great we can't tell you which group has a better plan to save America. You can decide now and thank your god later that we have Barack Obama and the Republicans here to protect us.

Save $30 million

Cut off the unemployment insurance for any of these layabouts who own more than one television or a high-wattage microwave. If they were really that hard up for work they would have sold their second TV for a job.

Spend $100 million

Train out of work dads to give haircuts to themselves and their friends because hair cuts make you look sharp and you want to look sharp to get a better job. These are good haircuts we're talking about here. Nothing fancy, but classy.
Save $120 million

Eliminate federal highway funding, allowing the private sector to compete with government roads on a level playing field (that's all we want). The inefficient federal interstate system will be gradually and naturally replaced with a more efficient network of private airports and walled yacht marinas.

Spend $50 million

Hey, everybody, let's get together and fix this bridge. This bridge is pretty old and busted up. This shovel is ready... to shovel a brighter tomorrow on this bridge abutment. You'll tell your grand kids how you made a bicycle bridge over an interstate structurally sound.

Save $50 million

Serve only American cheese slices as school lunches. Buy them cheap from China. Drug test parents before their kids can have the cheese.

Spend $2 million

A new Apollo Mission for a new generation: more nutritious school lunches and a law banning dog fighting in federal buildings.

Save $200 million

Close all voting booths within 10 miles of college campuses, in "urban" neighborhoods, or walking distance to any place that sells skyr.

Spend $10 million

Provide registration services and rides to get severely mentally handicapped people to the polls to vote for "Momy and Campul Soup" for President and Vice President respectively.

Remove export regulations

Reduce the number of forms job creators have to fill out before they can export trucks with nonlethal beams that cause crowds to feel like their skin is burning.

Spend $50 million

Inspire the next generation of budding engineers and architects in America by providing the foundation for their future: two 6x10 flat Lego base pieces per child.

Remove banking regulations

Get out of the way of private enterprise and let lenders get back to work providing capital to small businesses from money they might have just written down in a computer in a locked room that nobody from the SEC is allowed into because "it's really seriously poisonous in there, they are fumigating that room for bed bugs." Nothing could go wrong with this plan.
Spend $100 million

Mortgage relief hotline will be created to help out. Give a phone number for people to call and leave a message about how much they are underwater on their mortgage. Somebody will listen to this message and probably feel pretty bad about their situation.

Finish a free trade deal with Iran

Free trade deals are a big thing these days and everybody loves freedom. They always work out great for America. This will help businesses in America by opening up markets in Iran for US companies to sell American products like timers, detonators, shaped charges and those fake garden rocks with the secret compartment for a house key.

Finish a free trade deal with Colombia

Free trade deals are a big thing these days and everybody loves freedom. They always work out great for America. This will help businesses in America by opening up markets in Colombia for US companies to sell American products like tractors and diggers and the steel the Colombians will use to build all the new factories that will be coming to Colombia soon.

Cut $600 billion in taxes

Did you know that 47% of Americans don't pay any tax at all? It's absolutely sort of true! They're too poor or old and on Social Security (which we totally respect and would not touch no matter what, hehe) to pay any, or so says the current tax code. Our proposal is simple: give the top three tax brackets a 10% tax cut to stimulate the job creators. Partially offset it by levying a 20% tax on those layabout who aren't paying ANY taxes. It's time for them to share the sacrifice. Those single moms with three kids earning $22,000 a year need to give back to this nation. Come on, Rosalita, get a third job. You're the reason Taco Bell has a Fourthmeal.

Cut $100 billion in taxes

Okay, so, uh, we sort of have to cut taxes these days no matter what. Yeah, we know they're super low, but we have this great idea: a payroll tax holiday. Again. So it didn't do much last time we did it, but this time, uh, it's going to be way different, because, uh, fewer people are employed. Soooooo...it might be draining Social Security, but you know what, the Baby Boomers were always going to suck the life out of that one just like they killed the environment. At this point, we'll be lucky if our grandkids have roads. We're not even kidding.

Eliminate the Capital Gains Tax

Capital is the fuel that powers the engine of our economy, but as long as it is being brutally taxed at 15% the job creators will be reluctant to live up to their namesake. Why does the government deserve part of the $1 billion dollars a hedge fund manager made getting his clients to invest in a company that is "exactly like groupon, but for gay people's dogs?" We punish a stock broker who earned his $80 million fair and square: by running a software program on a Chinese server farm that automatically trades stocks several hundred times a second. If the government hadn't taken almost $12 million of his money he would have invested in that Neapolitan brick oven pizza restaurant in Aspen, creating six part time jobs.

Eliminate the Capital Gains Tax

What were you expecting? The hedge fund managers and bankers donate to us too.

Whichever plan ultimately wins out, we can be thankful that we have such firm hands on the tiller to guide our nation through these perilous waters.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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