Going to E3

As previously mentioned, I'm heading off to E3 in sunny Los Angeles this morning. I shall be there from Wednesday until Saturday morning, wandering aimlessly between video game booths that feature professional Hooters waitresses dressed up as (un)popular video game characters. This is because all gamers are obviously vapid, brainless, moronic idiots who are solely influenced by whatever their penis tells them to buy. As I've always said, "BIG TITS = GOOD GAMEPLAY," and I stand by this statement. I'll interview various famous people at E3, and if those famous people fail to show up at the event, I'll interview some game developers too. Look for my results from the belching contest with Levelord, 200-meter Man-athalon against Cliffy B., and Shot Put-Off with the crew from 3D Realms. If you're interested as to how SA has covered E3 in the past, make sure to check out last year's coverage right here. It's actually pretty damn funny, at least compared to the normal crap here, which is about as humorous as a dining room blueprint.

Tune Out, Turn On, Twist Off

Many intellectuals these days brag nonstop about the fact that they never watch TV. This is kind of a status symbol to them, as only mindless dolts like myself derive pleasure from turning on the boob tube and listening to a canned laughtrack loop for 30 minutes while three roommates joke about having sex with anything that moves. These artfags claim that television causes brain damage and makes people stupid, but I know for a fact that this simply isn't true. For example, I've been watching TV nonstop for like 25 years, and I can still name and identify all 38 US states. However, their biggest gripe is that nothing good is ever featured on TV. They bitch that the airwaves are full of mindless crap which just rots skulls like the masks from "Halloween 3: Season of the Witch," only with slightly fewer roaches. To them I say "bah!" There are plenty of excellent, entertaining, educational shows on television these days! To prove this point, I've gone through the current TV Guide magazine and picked out some of my favorite programs for today's date. Take a look at some of these shows and dare to tell me that nothing good is ever on!

6:30 am - Channel 13 (ABC) - "Hey America, Wake the Fuck Up!" Perky morning host Carolyn Rigsby interviews Ron Popeil and ends up in the hospital after he hooks his Pocket Fisherman on the back of her nasal passage. Doctor Ruth turns Kibbles N' Bits into hellhounds. Weatherman Lance Alverson predicts snow for half of America shortly before mistakenly referring to Canada as "The Uncharted Territory."

Shot from today's "I Hate You, Bitch."9:00 am - Channel 19 (FOX) - "I Hate You, Bitch" Talk show where guests reveal to their best friends, lovers, and family members that they hate them. TODAY'S EPISODE: Arby's fry cook Pete Marringston takes his teenage girlfriend on the show. Host Ed Farnsworth asks her if she has any idea what Pete is going to tell her, and she admits that she has no clue. Pete shouts, "I hate you, bitch!" and the audience breaks into hysterical clapping and cheering. ALSO FEATURED: Homosexuals screeching at each other, a very fat and very pasty white man wearing a WWF shirt, and an audience member whose advice to the guest involves oral sex.

10:30 am - Channel 15 (FOX) - "Your House Sucks" Self-professed handyman Michael Collins explains in painful detail how your house is an absolute hunk of shit compared to the masterpiece he's building from plywood that he stole from an abandoned Home Depot. TODAY'S EPISODE: Michael installs track lighting in the guest closet, only to discover that he accidentally put it on the floor instead of the ceiling. The second storey bathroom caves in while Michael attempts to glue carpet to it. The kitchen stove is delivered by surly UPS delivery men, who then proceed to bash the hell out of it with lead pipes. Michael whines in protest.

11:00 am - Channel 5 (CBS) - "The Children of Our Days" America's longest running soap opera, which has been on the air since 1829. TODAY'S EPISODE: Maria confronts Bradd about Laser's baby. Laser claims she never had sex with Bradd because she's engaged to Mazlestar. Cindy and the Mongoloid Twins fall down a well, only to discover that they're all pregnant with the well's baby. Little Baby Polyesthar gives birth to Rex Gunther, who in turn gets Maya pregnant with Alex's baby. Tempers flair when Steve gets his car back from Myrna, only to discover that the engine block has been replaced by an Asian swimmer. In a surprising ending, everybody dies.

12:00 pm - Channel 13 (ABC) - "Judge Cranky Jerk" Judge Cranky Jerk lays down the law against people who lack the mental ability to count to 10 without repeatedly referencing a flowchart. TODAY'S EPISODE: White trash man sues white trash woman for breaking up with him and then failing to return the Hickory Farms Summer Sausage gift set he bought for her. Judge Cranky Jerk expresses her disdain for the plaintiff by repeatedly calling him an idiot and throwing a paperweight at his head. The bailiff laughs approvingly, knowing that he's getting paid $6.50 an hour to cross his arms and chuckle on national television.

Cactus Frank from "Cactus Frank's Bathroom Safari."1:00 PM - Channel 7 (NBC) - "Cactus Frank's Bathroom Safari" Cactus Frank explores a 7-11's women's restroom and disappears for three days. When he returns, his eye sockets are hollowed out and have centipedes crawling down them. Cactus Frank interrogates a bottle of Nuprin and learns that the soapdish is hiding a sinister secret which could result in his banishment forever or 30,000 miles, whichever comes first.

2:30 PM - Channel 15 (FOX) - "Hey Look, We Ripped Off the Japs!" American cartoon that tries to emulate Japanese Anime but instead ends up looking like somebody superglued everybody's eyes wide open and added an extra 200 inches to their leg length. TODAY'S EPISODE: Super Robot X escapes from the Nuclear Fission Dev Center and attempts to shoot gamma radiation beams from his eye sockets at Mrs. Thompkin's puppy dog. The Miracle Destroyer is caught shoplifting pencils from CostCo, but escapes because the security guard only has eight frames of animation and used them all when he was getting up from his chair.

5:00 PM - Channel 7 (NBC) - "The Channel 7 5:00 News on Channel 7 at 5:00" Special investigative reporter Brian "Newshound" Davids goes undercover as a mannequin to see what mall workers do in the after hours. It turns out that all they do is go home. Yang Smith and Ted Barker cover hot topics such as "Sex on the Internet: Your Kids Are Downloading FILTH," "Drugs in the Schools: Your Kids Are Buying CRACK," and "The 1803 Things In Your Child's Crib That Could Instantly Kill Them While They Sleep." The weather for tomorrow includes a 50% chance of rain, although they're not sure which 50% that is.

7:00 PM - Channel 5 (CBS) - "Tattletale Island" Contestants are marooned on a desert island and must survive by backstabbing, gossiping, and fighting with each other. TODAY'S EPISODE: Alice attempts to get Fred kicked off the island by claming he crammed his penis into her ear while she slept. Mob mentality kicks in, and both contestants are beaten to death with rocks. The home audience votes for the rocks to be thrown off the island.

8:00 PM - Channel 15 (FOX) - "Tettletell Island" Promoted as "not at all like Tattletale Island," Fox's answer to CBS's hit show enters its second consecutive episode without being canceled. TODAY'S EPISODE: Something vague happens in the jungle, but the show's cameramen are too drunk and incompetent to film it correctly. Stock footage of a river is shown while one of the characters does a voice over dub explaining how to cook a delicacy known as "burnt twigs and gravel." The home audience votes for the entire cast to be thrown off the island and have it wiped off the Earth by nuclear bombs.

10:00 PM - Channel 13 (ABC) - "The Channel 13 Action Eyewitness On-The-Spot News" Rain in the downtown area creates mass chaos, as the 13,000 news vans littering the streets to cover the exciting rainfall story causes traffic to back up for 19 miles. Action Eyewitness On-The-Spot News Reporter Clair Hutchins investigates the illegal hot dog industry and shoots footage of some Mexican guy running down an alleyway while she shouts, "sir, do you have any comments? Sir, why are you running away if you have nothing to hide?" It is later revealed that the Mexican man was running away because he just finished urinating in the back of her Ford Expedition.

11:00 PM - Channel 13 (ABC) - "The Unfunny Show" Failed standup comedians wandering the streets, trying to purchase crank in exchange for sexual favors, are picked up by a U-Haul and dumped onto a stage for an hour. Some B-movie celebrity who has never been in a movie that doesn't contain the words "Death Alien" in the title is interviewed. TODAY'S EPISODE: Chuck "Dingbat" Reynolds, who once entertained a group of elementary school students at a raffle, chats it up with budding superstar Michael Elvis, star of "Death Alien Racecar 2000." Chuck performs a comedic skit on the streets of Los Angeles and admits that ABC might as well turn off their broadcasting towers when the Letterman / Leno hour begins.

12:00 am - Channel 19 (UPN) - "Werd!" The dopest and freshest and in-your-face-est black comedians showcase their uncanny ability to have their audio bleeped out every other word. Jokes include pointing out the difference between black people and white people, how black people and white people are different, and how black people have distinct differences from white people. Camera randomly cuts to a closeup shot of some large woman wearing a throw rug in the audience, cackling like a witch and flailing her arms in every direction.

So, as you can plainly see, television is chock full of vitamin-enhanced goodness! Next time a self-proclaimed intellectual starts bragging that they haven't ever watched television their entire life because TV sucks, walk right up to them and say proudly, "hey! Television is the best! At least, that's what I read on a webpage!" Then they will then give you a look like you are Jesus or FDR, and will probably punch you in the face. That is a sign of respect and submissiveness. Respond by crumpling to the floor and leaking blood everywhere.

Back By Popular Demand!

Everybody's favorite pornographic Anime producers, Pretty Flower Industries, are back and better than ever! Who could forget the intense stylings of Pretty Flower Industries and their teeming masses of sexually violent and perverse animated features? Why, not me, of course!

Perhaps the faculty aren't what they seems as (humans), and are in fact DEVIL RAPING PENIS TENTACLE MONSTERS FROM HELL! Ryeui must conquer and vanquish her fears in order to survive a deadly game of mouse and cat, and she must defeat the evil powers of FIENDISH OVERLORD and his plots to overthrow the world by gaining powers from plentiful rapes of Japanese Schoolgirls! Each fiendish sacrifice grants new powers, and his new powers are getting stronger so Ryeui must make sure to hurry up! Before she knows it, she discovers a magical sword which is talking to her and helps her defeat the Evil! But is she strong enough to beat Xixo, the acid elf and Zenbaza, mystical shop teacher / deamon of the 45th Realm? Her masterbation gives power to the sword, so much sex will ensure towards this film, as well as lesbian encounters with females who somehow have penises as well!

Oh, just TRY to tell me you don't find that highly erotic! I dare you! You can't do it, mainly because I'm not talking to you, and if I were, I would probably walk away and stop listening. Regardless, head on over and see what you've needed for so long!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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