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CEMENT MIX, AND LOTS OF IT

Old man Droger keeps buying bags of cement and leaving them near an excavated stretch of his front lawn. I've helped myself to 6 bags so far, and sure enough he went and got more. Seems like he can be relied upon for cement mix. Parking is difficult since the only logical place to park is all dug out about six inches below the road. Wish he'd put in a driveway there to make it easier. Very inconvenient, but the price is right.

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Jewelry and Trinkets, Some Hassle

Old Mrs. Z over on 14th street is getting a little loopy in her old age, and it's not all that tough to convince her it's still the war and she's back in the concentration camp. I've done it a few times, and I've found it helps if you know a little German and own a complete Nazi officer's uniform. Just threaten to exterminate her if she doesn't hand over her hidden valuables, I think I got most of her jewelry already but she'll usually cough up one or two trinkets.

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FREE DIRT

Mr. Browntree over on Stagecoach Rd put a sign that said "free dirt" in his front yard, next to a big pile of dirt. I ended up taking the pile, and, when it failed to fill the sinkhole behind my house, went back for more. Shoveled up a good portion of his yard. He yelled "haven't you taken enough?" which is pretty audacious of the man. If you are putting up a "free dirt" in your yard, that means I am entitled to all the dirt you have you have in your yard. You don't know anything about my dirt needs, so don't presume to know what "enough" is. Anyway, I left a bunch of dirt near his septic tank, since I didn't want to waste the time digging around it. He took the sign down, but it's not like that changes the nature of the offer.

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Large Mens Underwear

Mr. Pollock, that old crazy-eyed drunkard on 10th St, is always hanging giant pairs of underwear to dry on his clothes lines, which zigzag all around his property like a spider web. He's a modest-size man, so I'm not sure why he wears such large underwear, but I'm just glad it's my size. He's got so much I don't think he even noticed that I've taken several pairs. He's usually sunning himself nude on the roof, but don't let that stop you. I never do.

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Fresh Produce

Gladys Troutdale over on 55 Green has cultivated quite a garden full of delicious greens. She's sitting on a ridiculous amount of food when you consider she's an old lady with no children and zero hope of ever finding a man. It's a shame to see all that fine vegetation going to waste on someone who is going to die soon, so you can follow my lead and help yourself. She'll probably just blames it on raccoons or whatever. Save the nutrients for the young, lady.

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Did You Hear This One?

Mr. McElroy tends to fall asleep for long periods of time on his porch, but before he does he removes his hearing aids and sets them down next to him. I assume he is done with him, and have been able to secure five pairs during his spirited napping. Be as loud as you want, you won't wake him with his hearing aids out. I like to yell in his face while doing it.

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Medical Exams without the Bull****

If you go to 362 Gunther Rd, there's a retired doctor who lives there. I barged in and demanded free medical care, because doctors are legally and morally obligated to provide such services if you're in pain or ailing. You'll probably have to remind him of that, since he was too busy threatening to shoot me. He grumbled a bunch while looking at the inflamed lesions on my inner thighs, then offered me my free diagnosis (sociopathy). Guess I'll look around oldwallet for any free meds for that.

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Easy money

Just yell "The Mackinacs are all cheapskates" at old Gus Mackinac and he'll hand you a five out of his wallet, muttering like an old buffoon the entire time. I've tried this three times and it always works. Just don't expect any smiles when you do it. His grandkids might try to run interference, so you may need to sneak up or wait for them to leave him unattended.

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GET TONS OF FREE STUFF WITH POWER OF ATTORNEY

Most old people are too tired and lazy to deal with personal finances and maintaining their estates, and are only too happy to hand over power of attorney to a nice young person. My strategy has been to go to retirement homes and look for the saddest, loneliest people there. Showing any interest in their existence usually makes them happy to help in any way. If that doesn't work, you can just say you won a class-action settlement and you're their attorney and you just need to make it official on paper.

Once you have power of attorney, you are legally entitled to everything they own. Really reliable way of filling your tables at the swap meets or beefing up your personal collection.

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The El Dorado of Free Shoes

There is an ugly gray house on Red Baron Street, the one with all the mangled and gnarly children's playground equipment in the yard. I noticed the door was open the other day so I went inside and found the house literally filled waist-high with shoes. After a couple hours of digging I found a limited-edition Nike Dunk from 2008 in there. Tried to find the other one because those things go for like $2000 a pair on eBay, but then the sinister giggling started and I had to get out of there. I think maybe someone or something is underneath all those shoes.

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DOGGIES

THERE IS A VERY NICE OLD LADY ON GROUT STREET AND SHE HAS A BUNCH OF DOGS AND IF YOU OFFER TO TAKE THEM FOR A WALK YOU CAN BORROW THEM FOR DAYS OR WEEKS. SHE IS SOMETIMES ANGRY WHEN YOU BRING THEM BACK AND THAT IS VERY BAD BUT SHE IS ALSO SUPER HAPPY TO SEE THEM AGAIN AND THAT IS GOOD AND YOU CAN CRY WITH HER AND FEEL GOOD.

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The Ol' Helpful Handyman Routine

Mr. Granger needs a lot of work on his old trailer. A good way to score some free tools and money is to offer to do handyman work for him, then pretend his tools don't work. Just tell him you need to take them to the hardware store for repairs. Not only do you get free tools, but you can get some money from him if you come back with a fake repair bill and say the tools will take a little while to fix.

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Dungeon of Delights

If you need to add a little spice and adventure to the love life, you can take your special gal to Mr. Dander's basement sex dungeon and use all his weird sick stuff. He's got swings and cages and cattle prods and all kinds of equipment I've never seen before. He'll probably want to watch but he usually just huffs some gas from a big tank and falls asleep before you even start any heavy stuff.

Word of advice: clean up any DNA you leave around because I think some of the bones down there are real.

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Special props to David Thrope for helping increase the evil of this article by 75%.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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